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How to date?
Alright I just want to say I have an extremely hard time meeting guys, at the moment I do not have friends and have always struggled with friendships. However I have questions, how can I meet guys since I am in my 30's? A guy with substance, a respectable guy? I am in the process of working on myself and I have always had a very time meeting serious guys. Most guys I meet aren't serious or flake out. It's very stressful and I have lost hope. What can I do? Lastly, I want to share a quick story about a recent incident with a guy I met. I met this guy through a meet up and he remembers me in the past meet up. With him remembering me from a past meet up I was excited- I thought it was funny he remembered me in the past. From talking to him at this event I felt a connection with him- great right? Well then I started getting red flags- he'd only text me late at night or wait very long periods at a time to get back to me or even a day in between each conversation. At the time I took it as okay he doesn't want to come across desperate or needy, I get it- play it cool. But then he started to text me late at night at 12:40am and 10:00pm on two separate nights. I was frustrated and thought yeah I'm not that kind of girl, so I told him to please contact me at a reasonable time. He then got offensive and said he had a life blah blah blah he goes to work and has volleyball, then I thought, well so what? I work as well you can text me during the day. I also remember him saying at the event he and another girl were making out and then he found out she had a boyfriend. That turned me off lol. Another thing is when I set boundaries in asking him to text me at a reasonable time he got defensive and said well I guess that's one of your pet peeves. Then I said well any respectable woman would like that. He then said I wasn't showing him any interest. How could I show a guy interest when he throws me breadcrumbs?? He takes a very long time to text and only texts me late at night.
Do you think I should drop this guy? He says he wants to go out but I can't respect a guy who doesn't value my boundaries or doesn't treat me right. If he has time to play "volleyball" he has time to message anyone at a reasonable hour. I got the vibe where it was all about him and he doesn't respect women. AM I wrong? He sounds like a player to me and just wants to get in my pants. I have set days where I can meet up with him and I feel like he dismisses anything I offer. I just met this guy lol he doesn't sound like a good guy to me. What are your thoughts? Where on earth can I meet serious classy guys? It's very rough out there and it isn't fun meeting guy after guy who doesn't respect women.
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Drop him girl!!! You have to be picky to get what you are looking for in a guy. ANd then just waiting to bump into someone as you are doing your regular routine, sounds good but reality is you won't meet someone that way or if you do, he won't be a man of substance which you seek. My first marriage was over, and I am social and wanted to meet someone so I set up a free dating site on the computer, actually two of them. But instead of using an open space to answer a question like "What do you usually do on a friday night, I put in two lists, one describing me in detail and the other, a list of criteria a guy had to be able to meet to write me because he'd be wasting his time otherwise. I had a few guys get mad and tell me I was too picky, unreasonable and would never find anyone. But I did. I kept true to what I wanted. Even met some really nice guys but they also sensed there was no chemistry between us. Of course this wasn't people in their twenties, we were in our forties and some into their fifties, old enough to have some idea of what real chemistry felt like. So I used the internet as a way to learn of the existance of men. I did not want to try to build a friendship online because it is too easy for the other person to hide things so I wouldnt chat onliine after a week if we couldnt meet in person in a public area, my favorite, a coffee shop so I could pay my way, never let someone pick me up, drove my own car. Many did not make it past the coffee shop meet.
You want a man with empathy, who can put himself in your shoes and figure out why you say or said or did or do what you do instead of taking personal offense. I actually wanted to see this behavior right up front, so I wouldn't waste my time with with them. I had an emotionally and verbally abusive husband first time around. I now knew that if you see an undesirable behavior once in a person, if you watch long enough, they'll be consistant and do it again or say it again. There is no such thing as a bad behavior that is a one time fluke, an accidental occurance. But I was young the first time and made excuses in my mind to explain his behavior. I was talked to like crap. I only didn't lose my self respect because I would pray and God told me that my husband was the one with issues and I hadn't done anything wrong. I was willing to change and apologize if I had though. I learned that a new person you meet has the ability to hide who they truly are for only a short period of time if they feel they have something bad to hide. They aren't stupid. people know when they have undesireable traits and don't want to change for the better so they pretend, put on a false front, put their best foot forward so to speak and only let down their guard and revert to their real self when they think they have you hooked, that you have fallen for them and therefore will take any crap they dish out because you are locked in by your feelings. If a girl is willing to see a guy again, that also gives guys a sense of security, that all is well. I have two guys, one who lied to me right off the bat and the other who showed his true self at the 4th date. and I don't blame myself for not seeing their real self at first because they were truly hiding it well but people only have so much personal energy and a false facade takes a lot of personal energy to keep up so as I said, within a few dates or if not seeing a person often enough, it can take a month or so before you see the other behavior if they are hiding something. The husband I have now I met on line. He is a gentleman and holds females in high esteem, doesnt treat just me really well, but any female who crosses his path, and I got to see him with his ex when she visited once. He spoke of what he is like as a person and I watched closely and past the time when most revert back to their bad habits and way of thinking He was still consistently who he claimed to be and what I wanted in a guy. The last husband would tear me down and belittle me, my current husband only is supportive and always paying me compliments and recognizing my strengths. The last one yelled at me. In over 11 years, he has never once raised his voice at me. We are both losing some hearing so at times he might have to loudly shout my name to get my attention and once he has it, he is gentle in his speech towards me. When looking for the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, most women are looking for this. But you can't be desperate, which is settling for less when the first guy who pays you attention comes along. Women fall in love too easy to. They fall in love with what they think the guy is, the image of a person they have in their mind but more often than not, the guy can't meet their expectations nor the woman, his. Theres a problem is he doesn't have an idea of what he is looking for, doesn't know or understand his own needs and isn't able to explain them either. My husband had two, that I be a spiritual person like him and that I be his sexual equal. He knows about chemistry as well as I do. And he would not initiate any kiss or more, waiting to see If I was drawn to him that way. So when he wouldn't kiss me first, at end of first date, I kissed him and shortly after I took the chance to approach him for more. We like the same things in bed and its way better than my ex and any guys I used to date. If you truly want this, then you might want to do the same thing I did, make up a list of my needs and my wants. A need can't be compromised, he has that quality or you don't date him. A want is like the icing on a cake, very nice but not needed so you can live without it. You present yourself as if applying for a job but are even tougher when you are meeting guys who are applying for the position of boyfriend and future husband. I have all this in a document I've labeled, How to Meet Mr. Right. You can apply everything in it to those you meet in person somewhere or whom you meet first on the internet. I will say that the free sites are full of non serious guys. So if you choose this route, I would suggest one of the dating sites you pay to put a profile on. E harmony is one and I think there is one more. The guys who go on here are not scared of marrying and want to find their quality lady. But there is a battery of questions you have to answer and if he or you are not truthful because you want to answer what you think others may prefer, then you will not find anyone that way. If you want me to send you the document how to do this all, I can do that. But the only way I can answer a request or answer anything a second time is if you go to the search at the left for advice columnists, find my name Dragonflymagic and click on and then once on my site is the button to start writing to me. I hope this all gives you some hope. Lastly, what others want to see in you, something that draws men like moths to a flame is seeing self confidence in a woman. Being picky and knowing what you want and not being afraid to ask for it, is very appealing to men. If you need help in that area, I have something there too, I can share. Let me know.
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You are right to be annoyed that he's texting you late at night as has been asked to stop. A reasonable person would apologize and not do it again and or ask what a cut-off time would be for future if they were interested in you. Getting defensive about it isn't a normal reaction. This and the other incidents or red flags keep nagging at you because you know that he's mister wrong but need to affirm that your gut is spot on.
If someone genuinely likes you and aims to be with you as a partner they don't act like this guy. No matter what he's doing in his life if he is interested in you he will get back to you not days from when you texted but quite promptly and will always be courteous and nice not defensive. They wouldn't want you to see them as anything other than nice or a good choice and not this bad behavior or sudden display of anger to a reasoanble request.
Guys and girls for that matter make time for someone who is important to them no matter what. I think what has happened here and no fault of yours is that he's NOT interested and is using volleyball or whatever else excuse rather than saying the truth. It's the same thing about not contacting you or doing it out of the blue if at all.
He's not the right person and it's not your fault. Something better will come and a person who genuinely treats you right. That's so very important and what you deserve and will have. I think you have to really value who you are as well as other people which you do and someone will notice.
One of the biggest errors people make with dating is to not notice that the perfect partner may already be in their life or under their nose hoping that you will notice them. Don't exclude people like that as potential partners or anyone who may not look like your desired type. Always put a vibe out there that you're welcome to everyone who treats you well.
One thing you might want to try is to take a drama or improv class when COVID-19 allows. It doesn't have to be an expensive course either even parks & rec. Second City I heard is now doing it all online but with classmates and teacher who can see you.
You could become friends with these people because drama and improv force you to lose your inhabitions and insecurities real fast and work with people you wouldn't ordinarily think of befriending or have ability to approach if shy. You'll find people who share your interests and think like you that could blossom into something later but also make you a better communicator, improve your body language and help you make better connections. It breaks down barriers we place up and anxiety.
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