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Dating during Quarantine
I have been talking to this guy for 4 months over quarantine and we met recently. I had a great time on our first date and we recently went on our second date, which was kayaking. I really like him and had a great time but something has been bothering me... He told me over text that he was the type of guy to always ask permission to kiss or touch a girl in anyway because of how respectful he is. He knows that I really liked that about him. When we went on our second date he had asked me how i felt about a guy slyly grabbing my hand. I said thats fine as long as you don't pull any sly moves with me...
The date goes on and we are waiting for our kayake. He knew I was scared because i've never been so he put his hand around my lower waistline. I was taken by surprise because he told me he was the type to ask... I wasn't uncomfortable with it, let it happen, and thought it was cute but just thrown off a bit. Then as he walked me to my door we both stood their and he went in to kiss me. I instantly stopped him and said "I thought you were going to ask me?" He said "I am sorry you're right and then asked me" I then let him kiss me 3 times (just pecks) and he touched my lower back as he kissed me. Again I thought it was cute but still a little thrown off... I was in an abusive relationship in the past and it has made me become very overly protective with my body. He knows I have been through a lot with guys but i haven't opened up to him about it yet. I explained to him how I felt about this and he was very understanding. He felt very bad and explained to me how it would never happen again if I gave him another chance. He also said how sorry he was and admitted it was a honest mistake and just loves to show affection. He explained how he forgot to ask to kiss me and swore he will prove to me that he is a true gentlemen. I really like him because he is very caring and hes fun to be with... Am i overreacting? should I give him another chance? Would this be considered assult? please help i can't stop thinking about it :/
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Dear Dating During Quarantine,
If you want this guy to ask before touching you in any way, shape or form, you are going to need to communicate that to him. If you are uncomfortable, you need to set a boundary. It can get confusing if only the man is communicating. He may be the type to ask 80% of the time, but you also need to be the type to speak up when he forgets to ask. Even a man who is very committed to consent may forget to verbalize. This is not assault. Communication is a two way street. Women need to communicate their needs as well.
Best,
Little Owl
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I understand the questioning thoughts in your mind when trying to get out dating again but had experienced abuser in the past. My abuse was mental and emotional abuse, every day, thirty years til I finally left when kids were grown. So even if not physical abuse, any abuse will have your mind on high alert.
Being on high alert until you have built trust with a person is okay, but it shouldn't just be a reaction out of fear, but rather a logical examination and comparization of what you have experienced before and what you see here. I was tested by fate I guess with several different guys I met, 2 who stand out who seemed ukay the first 2 or 3 dates but let their real self out soon enough. I was looking for verbal abuse or reasons to not trust. The positive way to call it, is looking for consistancy in a man, he is consistantly acting with good qualities or he is not. I gave each the benefit of the doubt and did not accuse any of them of lying, or having bad qualities. But each one showed their true colors soon because keeping up a false image takes too much personal energy and one can't therefore keep a false representation in place for long, just long enough for them to think they have you hooked on them emotionally and when they don't fear losing you, they begin to abuse you. I was later in life, 48, 49 when I was dating and I discovered that I had indeed learned how to spot trouble in a guy and then avoid him and cut him off immediately. This is like a feeling of empowerment that I was able to tell the differences in guys and be able to be proactive, taking steps to protect myself before a man could directed his abuse to me. (If you ever want the details of the two worst guys, ust write and ask.)
So you know yourself better than I. That means you'll know if waiting time wise will be better for you to start dating again, like if this is too soon for you, or whether waiting is only delaying your learning confidence in your self to be able to detect bad quallities in a guy. I feel it is better to jump in knowing that this is your only way to discover if you have learned what warning signs to look for. Yes, you are not going to feel 100% safe and secure at the beginning. That doesn't mean he's a bad guy. Seriously I can tell you that looking for consistancy in everything he says he is, by whating what he consistantly does, not says, actions must follow. A person can't say I am respectful or I never raise my voice to others, without following through. Also, I found that when I spelled out what my ex was like, guys weren't put off by it. Instead they could understand me better. One guy I did date, noticed my explaining my every thought and action to him as I had to do with my ex. He recognized it and pointed out what I was doing out of habit because I had already got to a point of trusting him and was doing this. So in your case, only time will tell you if after dating more, he is the same as he says he is or slips up too many times.
I also found if I did not come out and spell out what is okay or not beforehand, it was unfair for me to hold it against a guy. My own second husband early on showed PDA I was not comfortable with. I gave him my account of what is acceptable to me. He apologized, promised he'd never do that again and has kept his word. So if you make clear what you are currently comfortable with and what you are not and why, if a good guy, he'll honor your wishes. He may have promised you but he may not realize he's also looking at body language and such signs from you. You need to let him know that if anything changes, you will let him know so he knows how to proceed. Ecxample:
My second husband didn't let me know when after seeing each other so many days, an occasion arose for me to thank him and he had never kissed me or touched me lovingly because he was waiting for me to make the first move. He knew he wanted me romantically but left it to me to decide if I felt enough chemistry to want to kiss him. If I had never kissed him and made that first move, he would have thought I wasn't that into him and stopped seeing me. And he didn't warn me. What if your guy has something running through his mind where he's looking for certain signs from you to proceed and you never showed him, did the things he was looking for or never said the things he's waiting to hear. If you don't, theres a chance he may walk away and never turn back. However, if you tell him the details of why you want to move slowly, that you have bad memories that get you thinking maybe it's going to happen again, he needs to know, not to become your therapist but to simply be an encouraging partner. Relationships where both have damaging baggage and issues that affect relationship cause both to become co-dependant which can happen if both are damaged or not whole in some way. If only one is not fully healthy or healed, then it still puts too much pressure on the other person to make up for all thats missing in the other and those relationships can also fail and break up. It takes two whole people to be a health couple. If each was lets say only a half whole, two halves make one whole. and 1 does not make a couple, only 2 does. So you
will need to work on yourself, basically stuff the last person wrote to you and I am explaining why.
the word assault, to answer your last question, is not simple to apply here and I will explain. The free dictionary says of the word that:
Generally, the essential elements of assault consist of an act intended to cause an apprehension of harmful or offensive contact that causes apprehension of such contact in the victim.
So one could look at your situation and say yes thats assault. But from what you wrote, it doesn't sound like the intention to cause you unease or harm is there. Let me know if I'm wrong but a caring fun person doesn't sound like someone who is willfully trying to upset you or scare you or use controlling tactics. Since he loves to show affection, you can count on him truly being that way, deep down inside. His logical mind knew to not do anything without asking first but his action is an emotional one, love is an emotion and loving touches falls under that. Our subconscious mind rules our emotions so his subconscious took the action without his conscious mind realizing he was doing it until you called him on it. This is not a flimsy excuse I made up. Think of times you were walking to class in school, busy thinking about something and the next thing you know, you realize you don't remember how you got from one class to the other or any scenario you can relate too, but this is mine. I was surprised and only now realize that it wasn't just some 'automatic pilot as people call it, but actually the subconscious doing this for me so I didn't have to think about where I was going. The subc. mind also does other things we don't have to think about like taking our next breath or blinking our eyes. This happens to everyone as surely as it has happened to you. I must state lastly that every guy I did end up dating 6 months or longer heard my story of my past in detail of the abuse. I only told very basic stuff if asked how long I have been divorced and did he leave me, or me leave him. These questions are more important than you may think and tho others have said this is one of the things you never talk about with a new date, how else will I have a fighting chance to know what behaviors that are off, that I am looking for in a person. If he says she left him, then my thoughts are why, whats wrong with him. So until I know the whats and whys of what happened, and the person also is over it because they do not speak negatively and hatefully of their ex, exes, just sharing basic facts that any one would realize is not good for a relationship. I know of people married 4 or more times and that is clearly where both have not learned from their past. I was not the antagonist and neither did I do anything wrong other than make up excuses for him.But I never did anything to create the issues he came up with. If someone hears I am divorced and wants to know why, they will hear how I gave the ex every chance, that even a retired counselor friend suggested he go for counseling as he is the one hurting the relationship (which he knew from seeing my exs actions towards me) and I never yelled at him or belittled him and tried to talk things out like adults but he believed he wasn't capable of making mistakes or doing wrong and that it was always someone elses fault. This kind of info if shared without hate or anger, shows that you are most likely sharing the truth but have healed. If you show too much fear, without him knowing enough, he may attribute the fear to something else and think that since it happens again and again with you, that perhaps he isn't a good match for you. Let him know please, if he really cares, this will be important to him and when he gets to know you well enough to read your moods or emotions off your face, he will know when something is bothering you and ask, even if as most of us, we aren't mind readers. Until he has been told why you are as you are and still healing, he needs to know, otherwise until then, he won't know if he's doing something that gets a way bigger out of proportion reaction from you until he understands. If then he is choosing to purposefully find ways to keep you tied up in fear rather than reassure you and support your strengths, then you can know he is a toxic person and best to let go. I have met enough people who have their sweet loving side they show to most public but what they show at home to family or a close friend is totally different. They are not afraid to censor what they show you either because they believe they can blackmail you or that your emotions are so tied up in them that like me, you'll internally make excuses for them and keep loving them no matter how bad they treat you. This guy sounds nice so far. I'd really like to hear back how things go. If you do write to me by going to my column, please share a bit of what you wrote about previously as I have no way of knowing one writer from another.
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Dear Ms Thrown Off,
It seems that you have the intention on wanting a relationship but are not sure due to circumstances from your past. It's not the answer of if this is the right person for you, but more if is this the right time for this person to be around you. If your intentions are clear and he makes mistakes it's one thing but also are you at that point in your life that you are ready for that relationship? People question themselves and situations all the time but it's only the fact that if they are ready then we those steps can be taken. It's not overreacting if you know exactly what you want and if that person is not doing that, then you walk away. But also make sure you don't let the past dictate your present and hurt your future. Be protective but don't lose yourself because when they right person comes along, you don't want to miss it. You have to be comfortable with yourself first.
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If you are questioning what happened or feeling weird or icky about it than trust your gut. The person may not be right for you. It seems to me he's heavy on bullshit lines and telling you how he's a gentleman and asks first and then he does the opposite and never follows through.
Guys who are true gentlemen just are and don't annouce wat they are doing or fact they are. It strikes me as an act. Maybe his intentions are good but it seems he's shown you he's the opposite. Also, you met him online and this is date number 2. How much do you know about his background?
You don't owe anyone and explanation about being assaulted before or being in abusive situations. If someone touches you or tries to kiss you and you aren't okay with that put a stop to it even if you need to slap them or knee them in the groin. Protect yourself and get out of there.
If you buy his I'll behave better story as genuine you might want to do coffee but I wouldn't do the same kind of date as before. You just don't know what his motives are and he let you down twice in same date already.
I don't think kissing you was assault but touching you in a way that could be seen as sexual or forcing something you didn't want is. You also have the right to tell him straight up what wasn't cool last time and that he better not do it again and that you aren't so sure he's someone you want around. If you get that across when you see him next you'll know from the conversation if you can trust him.
It's all about trusting your gut that if something feels off or wrong to you than it probably is. If he makes you feel weird or icky as I mentioned above than that's probably a good sign to end it. He's put a lot of red flags up already.
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