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I don't think I can keep a promise to my bf
A few weeks ago my boyfriend and I got into a fight about me going back to work, because he's worried about the risk from COVID-19 and I work in a hospital. We eventually reached an agreement and I promised him I'd stay safe, let him know about my shifts, immediately stop working if my hospital admitted a case, and immediately stop working if the virus spread rates started getting too high. The cases are "too high" now, and he wants me to stop working and hold to my promise, but if I do it now, then I'll lose my job because prior to all this, I hadn't worked in 3 months due to the lockdown and wanting to keep my parents safe. He says he can't trust me anymore because I can't keep my promise, and I said I never should have had to promise to begin with, that he should have just trusted me to handle my own terms of employment. I told him it feels like he's being controlling over this whole thing and he got upset with me because he says he'd never try to control me.
I know his concern and actions are just from a place of care and that he just wanted me to be safe, but I can't help but feel a bit trapped. I don't want to break my promise and I feel awful that I put myself in a position where I wouldn't be able to follow through on a promise - I realize now that I never should have made it, because I didn't take into account that I might have to quit so soon... That's on me and I realize that, and I don't want to lose his trust, but I also feel like he's being a bit unfair to me here. I don't really know what to do
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I don't think he's being unfair in the slightest. Your profession is extremely high risk where you are constantly exposed to patients who may have the disease. It's easy to contract it and spread it and bring it back home. He's not the only person affected here it's everyone you come in contact with.
I think the best thing to do is take a leave of abscence over Covid-19 being unsafe to work. Your employer will understand it and will likely welcome you back when this is all over. Take the relief money that is offered by government and take a break from the profession. I would honor the request he's made. You want to be safe too right?
For now you can exist on benefits and his pay cheque or help of others including parents and stay out of the path of Covid-19. He's not trying to contro you but rather protect you, himself and everyone around you.I would definetly put the job on hold for now.
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If there were two people who started a business together and were partners, then every little decision and financial move must be decided on together. There'd be one angry partner if the other did something without talking it out first with their partner, or if agreements with promises were made, but one decided not to stick with the agreement because they changed their mind. Covid is only showing you where your life and your love stand right now. In a relationship, we want security and to be able to trust each other. We do best if we think alike. You both do not think and reason alike because you both fought over this issue first. Then something happened to bring about the agreement. Did you agree only to get him off your back and truly did not still agree with him? Or had he said something that changed your point of view so you now agreed with him totally?
My guess is that deep down, maybe even in your subconscious mind, you did not agree or plan to go along. If so, this would mean that your awake self and subconscious self may be at odds and in disagreement and that is another whole thing to be concerned about, but likely will get no attention as the issue of having an income is more important right now. I can't say what is best for you to do but I am sure that being truthful for once is what you must do, even if the worst possible thing may happen, that he decides to leave you. My husband and I will at times not be able to come to an agreement and will sometimes go with his plan, sometimes with mine with of course one partner going along but still not in agreement that its the best move. For us, if his plan I went along with failed, I am quick to remind him I had foreseen this happening and had warned him. So next time, he goes with my plan on the same issue. Theres a give and take, a natural bending of ones ideals. No one knows the future and we dont either so we make the best decisions together and if we agree but it still doesnt turn out and we hit snags, we don't blame each other as both of us couldn't see it coming.
It sounds like in your case, he forced you to make a promise. If thats true, then you made a promise you didnt want to make, coerced into it, by his words, actions or your fears of losing him if you didn't comply. If you did lose him over this, then it was love but not unconditional love. We can love aspects of things or people. I love cheescake for the creamy texture and taste. Its a favorite dessert. But I am not unconditionally in love with cheesecake. When applied to a person, one can love aspects like the sound of their laugh, their looks, how easy they are to talk to, but when it gets down to the nitty gritty daily stuff of relationships, we have to do more than say we love and the in love with, type of love is unconditional love. That means whatever happens, you will still love and support that other person no matter what. My 2nd husband treats me like a Queen. The downside is he has gained a lot of weight. Yes, it doesn't look nice but I am not dwelling on conditions like, If you dont lose it all, I will leave you. Same for you as, if you continue to work in a hospital, I will not be happy with you, fight with you and maybe get mad enough to leave you for good. While that sounds bad to you considering ones feelings for the other, emotions alone won't help you both to be able to last for the long haul. Even though in a relationship, you are still single for now and that means you can make decisions, the big ones like this for your own life without his agreeing. You have probably made up your mind already but just want to be able to sort out all the ways this could affect you both. I am betting that not you but he was the one who brought up the issue of you working when Covid cases were spreading. I agree its scary to have a loved one go into a dangerous situation but I also bet he did talk any other options for you if you did quit. In essence, he wanted to change a little part of who you are. He is unable to be comfortable with you doing what you do. This is the same as a woman dating a man who is a police officer and suddenly his job has become a lot more dangerous, and so she decides she can't be with someone just in case she were going to lose him, rather than committing to and enjoying whatever years they do have together, even if the worst possibilities become reality. I can understand him not wanting to see you die from the virus. But trying to make a partner change to be exactly what you want them to be is unfair and actually has nothing to do with love. I know as my first husband wanted to change a lot of things about me when me first married. I changed the color of my hair but no matter how much he brought it up, never did the boob job. He required my toning down of my personality so that in the end after leaving him and reading my diaries of when I was a teen and young woman, I could see how I had changed into someone totally different from who I used to be. Either we find someone we are okay with, not wanting them to change, and accepting of their spots and wrinkles or we should choose to move on and look for that person who is a better match for what he wants. I understand that well and made a list the 2nd time, looking not just for what I wanted but also needed. A need is not negotiable. Its like a woman wanting kids and marrying a guy before she finds out, who never wants kids. There is no compromise, you cant have half a child, same as you can't work in the hospital and be 100 % sure you will never catch covid. A compromise is supposed to be both getting al little of what they want but not all, and coming up with another plan. So have that talk about another plan with him. If he is unwilling, then you might ask what he will do if you continue to work at the hospital. He might stay but constantly harrass you and treat you bad out of his frustration. A man should find a woman whom he knows he can be supportive of all she does, from job to mothering children to creating a home, crafts, music, or singing talents, and the list goes on. My husband beleives it is part of a mans role in life that has long been forgotten, with woman being the one to mold herself to her mans wishes and demands. More like caving in, but then you're not happy. If you can't be doing what you feel you were born to do, you will be unhappy, so carry on with your work but have that talk. Either he will apologize and decide to become supportive or he will stay and make life a hell for you for going against his wishes, Not the plans of both of you, but his wishes. Or he go just decide to leave you. At worst case as it may seem, there may be someone more supportive understanding who will be unconditionally in love with you in your near future.
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I think that once again, you should try talking to him. Explain him how you feel but also make it clear that this job is one that you love and can't just let it go. Especially during a pandemic like this. Although his health concerns are fully valid, as a boyfriend, he should be supportive as long as of course, you are staying safe. Keeping promises isn't always easy, but I'm proud of you for handling it well. Once again, if you do feel he is being controlling and unfair as well as makes you feel trapped, it might not be a good sign. Take some time for yourself whenever it is possible and sort things through so you no longer feel this way. Don't be afraid to make bold moves. Keep in mind that change can also be beneficial at times. Remember, it's never your fault so don't ever feel that way. Everything has a solution and I really hope you find yours. I'm here if you ever need me. Stay safe and I hope this helped.
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