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My girlfriend words things which throw me off
So I have been seeing my girlfriend for almost 1 and half years now. I was a single parent when i met her and we are what we think an amazing couple. Very alike yet still different in the right ways. Talk out almost any and all issues. She came into my life embracing my daughter and even planning days to spend and bond with her. Well covid 19 happened as we all know and my daughter for 2 months was stuck at her mothers since I was still working and going into work. Well over that time of quarantine my girlfriend moved in. All was really good but then my daughter was able to re enter living with us on shared time. Well my girlfriend over these past month and a half has been distant at times. We talked about it and me hoping they would still build on there strong bond but she says she has a sense of jealous towards my daughter. She feels almost out of place at times and i try hard to integrate but sometimes it comes down to "youre her dad so you do that or take care of this." She also tells me how lucky I have 2 sources of love with her and my daughter. I just feel blind sided and beside myself over it all. How do I work this out? im a male of age 30
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You said you and her were dating before Covid while your daughter was still with you. So this woman already knew of your daughter. I can give plenty of things that cross my mind as reasons why she seemed okay in the beginning but not now.
I also realize that she must be close to your age and age 30 or anything close late twenties to early thirties is a time in a persons life when they re-evaluate who they are and who they want to become. Where they may have been putting on a display previously, acting as they feel people wanted them to be, and did things they felt made them feel accepted, that all changes for people around this age.
It is possible she met you just when she was approaching this time personally for her. She could have still been in the mode of pleasing others rather than finding first, or even discovering how she truly felt about things. This is all a guess on my part of course and it could be something else.
You do need to know these possible but maybe not true things to have a conversation with her, to talk out this issue if you both are truly good at that. First you will have to accept that she may not feel exactly as you think she does about you and the daughter. You may have to give her permission to speak the truth which she may be afraid to share, especially if she feels the truth may jeopardize her relationship with you. She did mention jealousy which is good but she may not have examined exactly what is causing it. When I say I am making a fruit salad, the ingredients will vary according to whats on hand and my whim. It is not compromised of one item only called fruit. Fruit is the umbrella term. So is Jealousy which is a fear of loss. There are many different fears that fall under the emotion we named Jealousy. So this fear is real to her. And you need to have a talk. She may not come out and say what it is, especially if she doesn't know as its buried deep in her conscious mind. But what you can do is ask questions that are closed ended meaning she can only answer yes or no. For example:
"you seemed to not be jealous of my daughter in the beginning, only recently and more specifically around when Covid started. So were you simply pretending in the beginning that it was okay with you. Theres no wrong answer, you can tell me. (but you must remain supportive and not show any anger or frustration or her fears may cause her to shut down.) She may have thought she just needed time to come to love your daughter as her own and when covid hit and people become house bound, there is no escaping what ever we have kept hidden in the past, it will come out. She may simply find she is unable to bond with your daughter but not want to tell you for fear of losing you. If she knows its okay with you that she can't develop a bond but is at least good to your girl, then perhaps something can be worked out but you would have to ask point blank what she may not be willing to say as in "Are you having trouble building a bond with her as in feeling love for her even though you didn't give birth to her? Because that wouldn't change how I feel about you and I cant think of leaving you over that. Of course, if you do have issues with it, then you can't be saying such things. But I am sure you will find the questions to ask her and get to the truth. There are couples who come to love the child they adopted, no matter at what age, baby or older. The child can still get the love bond it needs with birth Mom and you, as long as the girlfriend cares about the daughter as another human being such as offering to fix her up when she has skinned a knee. If she hasn't had kids of her own, the maternal instincts may not have been activated in her. Some have it without kids and others need a child of their own before it happens and that is ok to admit.
If she didnt care about you, in 18 months, she'd have left you long ago. SHe cares but is scared of something, likely of losing you, maybe to Covid with your being out there instead of hiding at home. So whatever bond you feel there is, don't assume its strong and good, just ask her. She may have decided some things abut her life and who she is. What if she had decided she never wants to have children. I met a young woman who was so sure of that, she and her husband both had the surgeries to prevent having kids. And she still feels it was right for her after. So if this woman wants you but never intended to be any kind of Mom, even a step mom, then you have some things to compromise on. Like not expecting her to fill the mommy role, the birth Mom will. And her hearing how much you want her to be a part of your life. She may simply be one of those women who want to be married by now and since you aren't, that leaves her mind open to distorted thoughts that you may not love her enough and therefore the feeling that when push comes to shove, you'd choose only your daughter, not both of them. IF I understood correctly, the daughter is shared by both you and your ex. And thats what I am basing my thoughts on. If not correct and I am missing a big part, then please share and I will do what I can to have a better answer for you. But to contact me only again, you must search advice columnists, find me, dragonflymagic and write to me from my column. Wishing you a happy solution.
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Hi. As a parent, your child should come first above anyone. Your significant other should always know her place and understand that a sense of jealousy isn't always right in this type of situation. Your child should always feel safe and secure with whomever your s/o might be.
You should talk to your girlfriend and let her know that now that she lives with both you and your daughter, some things might change a little. You should sit down and have a talk on how you both feel, as well as set some priorities and clear certain things.
You should also let her know that she can't keep acting this way because it can lead to a lot of problems and changes which can also unfortunately involve a breakup. Keep in mind that she might also be feeling distant because it's a change and it can take her a while to get used to.
Remember that it's not your fault and some things can be difficult and confusing to deal with, but you'll get through them. Stay safe, and I am here whenever you need someone to talk about something. I hope this helped :)
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