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Don't know what to do with my relationship
I currently am an undergrad student living with my boyfriend in New York state. I go to college here and am originally from NJ (about 3 hours away) I moved in with him once my school closed around March because of Covid and the day before my school closed we adopted a dog. I was volunteering there and met him first. Absolutely fell in love with him and I told my bf to come in and meet him (we has been discussing getting a dog for a bit). We ended up adopting him together. My bf paid the adoption fee and license since the apartment is in his name. However, this is where is gets confusing. After living with him for some time (this is the first time we've lived together) I started noticing attributes about him that I really don't like. It's not even like a small, correctable thing it's like things I knew before but didn't realize how bad it was until now. For example, he is terrible with money. He works full time (he recently just went back to work full time because of Covid) and can not save any money for the life of him. It really bothers me because I am very practical, independent, and having something to rely on is VERY important to me. There are some other little things but in short, after almost two years I just feel in my gut it doesn't feel right anymore. Theres something I can't put my finger on but I just know that I'm not happy anymore and that there's some things that I don't want to settle on. I've thought about breaking up with him and moving back home (I only live three hours away and my mom/family really wants me to move back). The problem is I know he would fight me on taking our dog. But I feel like it would NOT be fair to my dog to leave him in the apartment all day every day while my boyfriend is at work while I'm not there. My dog needs a lot of exercise and training (we also don't have a yard) so these are things that my boyfriend can't realistically give him while he's working 40 hours a week - if he could, I would be willing to let him have him half the time and me the other possibly. The idea was that when living together if he was at work, I could come over and be with him and we would take turns so he wouldn't be alone for that long and we would provide for him together. That won't happen if I'm not here and hes at work. the other problem is that he's not good with money (and when I say not good I mean not good). I can provide for my dog as I always have (my bf pays for treats and food, etc. but so do I) I also pay for his vet visits which as people know aren't cheap. I don't think its fair to my dog to leave him all alone in an apartment and the fact that my bf sometimes struggles with money. I just won't leave him, its not an option. I really think its best to bring him home where I'm from (that's where I would be going anyway) and have him stay there with me. I'm not sure if im even going back to school next semester because of Covid, and if im not, all the more reason to have come with me because Ill be there. Even if I wasn't there and went back to school for a bit (I have one year left) my family is there to watch him and take care of him when Im gone. I just wouldn't feel right leaving him with my bf if we broke up. My bf is going to try and claim its his dog because he paid the fee/license, however, I take care of the dog currently while hes at work. I feed him, play with him, take him out, schedule his doctor appts, pay for vet visits, etc. How do I make the move to break up AND successfully take my dog? I'm really not happy anymore and feel like I need to make a change. My boyfriend is also not in college like me. He is older than me and just works full time near where I go to school. I'm worried he's going to actually threaten me or do something spiteful if I try and take him.
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When couples, married or not, break up and there is a child or a pet, the issue becomes who gets custody or whether it will be shared. As you pointed out, the man is wrong for you. SO I understand wanting to break up. So the title is not what to do about the relationship, but what to do about the dog.
I agree that sitting in an apartment all day is not good for most dogs. Some little dogs are able to cope and use those absorbent pads to go potty on. But the less time a dog is alone is better. We had a greyhound/lab mix when my kids were little. He needed to be able to run, a lot. However I was home before 3 when the kids got off school and so it wasn't all day and he coped just fine. It depends on the dog. As you told your story, it sounds like you were the one who met and wanted the dog, told the bf who made it possible. Sounds like he wsa doing this more for you, not that he was the one with feelings for the dog. But if you left, I could see him fight to keep the dog just out of spite. What is needed if it gets ugly is to talk to a lawyer. Yes, I know its expensive but they all do pro bono work (free) at some point. One question I have and won't skip over as I am a parent myself, is whether you are assuming or have asked and got their okay that the parents will take over care of the dog when ever you can't for at least a year, until you are out of school, have found work, and a place to live. Since we can't foresee the future, there is no way to know if and when you'll find work and whether you can then afford to take care and responsibility of the dog in full. Its the same as whether you are ready to accept full responsibility and care of a child of your own. You can't return a child. Pets are family members too though some treat them as a possession they can get or give away any time they want. Perhaps you jumped too soon on committing to being a pet owner so life will not be as simple as it was before.
Wondering where the parents live and if its okay with them. If you haven't asked, better ask now. They may say yes now because they love you but if the burdon of taking care of the dog falls mostly on them later, your good intentions or not, they either may have to adopt the dog as their own or ask you to take it or find a new home for it. My ex had a dog when I met him. At least he said it was his dog but the dog he got before thinking it through meant he couldn't care for it while in school and after where he rented with a friend from church, there weren't dogs allowed, so the time stretched on and where we first lived when first married, was another place where pets weren't allowed. The years stretched on and he wasn't earning enough and couldn't find work with his degree so he went back to school. By then his parents were too attached to give him up and the dog grew old and died while in his parents care. So we never had that dog. You can't deny it will never happen to you. Sometimes people even meet someone they fall for but the timing isn't right, or distance is involved and the plan is to marry someday but things change in the meanwhile. What if the man you eventually meet and fall for is allergic to pet dander? Or if he is totally against having a dog? Or you have to take any old job because you can't find one with your degree and never do, just like my ex? That job may not pay enough for you to barely take care of yourself let alone a pet. I am just speaking reality here. I hope that all goes well but I also look to what possible scenarios can occur, so I am not blind sided by them. Most schools are all doing the on line thing, even colleges and my son in law is doing just that right now from their apartment. So if you can continue school from a home, and your parents are willing to have you come home, then its a matter of packing and leaving when the bf is not there. If you do not have your own car, it becomes a headache because you have to find a way to get you and the dog over there. The normal travel by plane, train or other public transportation is likely not available due to the pandemic. So it might involve having your parents come to get you. Once you are away, you write the bf or call and let him know you have left him. Have him itemize with copies of receipts from vets and guesses on the cost of bags of food times how many for what he has paid so far in dog care and have him give you that amount and let him know you will pay him back in amounts if need be. But you must do it in ways you can prove the payments were made if the bf agrees to it. I don't think he'd just let you walk off with the dog if he's paid half the care and fees. So I suggest a cashiers check or certified check and heres a website with that info on both. [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
If he wants to fight for the dog, your only option then is getting a lawyer and you will have to pay those fees unless its pro bono so the off timing of getting this dog may bite you in the end, but if you really want to own this dog, it must be done. I wish you the best
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