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Strain between parents relationship and part of it has to do with me
I’m gonna try and keep this as short as possible but basically my parents have always had a rocky marriage with multiple explosive arguments they’ve refused to get a divorce and it’s been about 25 years of marriage together. My mom has her specific issues with my dad and my dad has specific issues with my mom. I love both my parents but i despise their relationship and how I’ve grown up for the past 20 years of my life watching them fight over less than real problems. My mom brought up with me that she hates how my dad says she has a ton of disagreements with her siblings but she really only doesn’t talk to one of her brothers because her brother’s son abused me. My father has no idea that this has occurred and is friendly with that sibling of my mother. My mom wants me to speak to my dad and tell him what happened and why he shouldn’t talk to that sibling either. I feel really pressured and annoyed that she’s pushing me to tell him because i truly do not feel comfortable having that conversation with my dad. What do i do?
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I agree that you have two issues here and would benefit from counseling, just in case you felt the other advicegiver was off on that.
The dead giveaway was that you felt part of the parents situation has to do with you, when in fact, it has nothing to do with you at all.
Yes, your parents are selfish, immature, never grew up, just kids mentality in adult bodies. But there isn't anything you can do to force them to see a counselor. You say they refuse to divorce which would have been the smart move if they are unhappy together. Then there is the chance that they are so vastly different from each other with zero chemistry that they should never have married.
Here are logical reasons of why you are not responsible in part or in full, you were not even around when they decided to marry, not there as another adult who at least tried to talk some sense into them. Also, I do not know of adults and parents going to their kids and asking if they should divorce. Why are children not the ones sought out for such advice for their parents? Because an adult is supposed to be mature, know more and be able to make better adult decisions than a child. Also, each person is responsible for their own decisions and their own attitudes. No one can blame any outside influences on how they act, react or feel. Yes, everyone has to face some hard things in life but you have a personal choice on how you react to it, in anger or not, rather choosing to examine the situation, weight the pros and cons and making any personal changes one needs to. Any psychiatrist will tell you so, its basic easy stuff they know but not all adults ever get. Your mind has been influenced by living with the fighting parents you have. Heres one last thing from my personal life to urge you to seek counseling. Keep searching and asking where you might be able to get this. Now my history: I was married at 20 and stayed 30 years with a man who was verbally abusive. This was directed at me, hardly ever the 3 girls we had. But they got to hear and watch him yell at me, belittle me, complain and just dump his frustrations on me and always be unreasonable. Years later, I left him but the kids were grown now. It was time to find their mates and follow their own life. I never yelled back, that was simply putting fuel on the fire. It was my faith that kept me sane, praying and choosing to be the on mature adult parent for my kids and they still praise me today for all that I did back then. Unfortunately, their view of what a husband should be like was so messed up in their growing up that it didn't matter that they were adults now, they were affected mentally, unable to protect themselves from hearing nasty stuff from their Dad. So even today, my 20 yr old daughter is afraid to meet a guy with a normal voice. If a normal voice was bass or baritone and deep, she equates that to loud and yelling. So she has a boyfriend who is male but not a man, he is milktoast, a weaking in character, quiet, talks low or in whispers and allows her to be the leader of the two of them instead of both being equal parts of the relationship. And she also doesn't ever want to have kids for fear she might or bf might not be good parents and harm their kids so she plans to stay a cat lady instead. My oldest ended up depressed and married a nice guy, had a child with him but that was so nice and different from her dad and she felt bad was normal that she divorced him and married a sociopathic type with anger and mental health issues and since being with him has seemed to gain mental illness of her own because she has no idea of what a healthy thinking male is like. As a result, she cut herself off from family and CPS took my granddaughter after a teacher noticed her bruised all over and she was given into the custody of her birth dad. The youngest did best but still the man she choose to marry, although a good father, isn't the best mate. He has PTSD in part from traumatic things his parents did to him which in telling the stories, he feels were okay and good but I can tell were abusive on his mental and emotional state and the rest of PTSD from Army until he was injured. She met him after the army, and they now have two kids. I have been in the same room with him and daughter and heard him get so angry because of something small and as you stated less than real problems that he was shaking from head to toe in anger and his trying to control it and not lose it. I volunteered to hug him and pray for him to recieving healing. I didn't call it healing but gave it non the less and he actually calmed down and became sane and content again. That to me is way too close to memories of my ex. So all my kids had their minds messed with and non responded to my suggestion to get counseling. I don't wish for you to suffer unknowingly from something in your adult life that would be affected in a bad way by how your parents bad relationship had impact on you. YOu may not think so, and neither do my kids see their situations now as being affected by their Dads past actions. I hope you do differently because if my kids wouldn't go for professional counseling, if what I share will help one or two ladies go for counseling and get a healthier outcome to their life, then I will feel my past was all worthwhile, when I can help, have empathy and sometimes offer possible solutions. Counseling won't change your living situation if you have to stay with them for financial reasons, but if you can have your understanding tweaked and corrected, it can help you make better decisions for the futre of your own adult life.
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Oh my dear. You have two issues here. Living with parents who do not get along, and argue in front of you, and your being sexually assaulted, but everyone is more concerned about their own issues and not with you and that you may benefit from counseling. You live with two very selfish people. The time to tell your dad about the abuse was when it happened. Not now, I don't know how much time has passed. And you should not be the person that needs to tell him. In addition, chances are your dad may not believe it, because why wait so long to tell? Or he may doubt you and ask you all kinds of questions that will hurt your feelings and might make you feel responsible. No one in that house thinks of anyone but themselves. I think you should try to get some counseling so that you will have a better chance of growing into a reliable, and self loving individual. Counseling will help you decide who you want to tell and who you do not, and will also help you cope with what might happen if more family members find out. We want to trust our parents, we expect them to protect us. That is a normal feeling, but when it doesn't happen, you can grow up with issues. You could end up in a marriage just like their's because that is all that you know. Ask yourself this question. What would you do if someone assaulted your young daughter. Fight like hell. That is what you should do. No one should get away with that. You said you have lived with them for 20 years. SO you are a young adult. It is time to learn to love yourself, and not to count on your parents for the tools and skills you will need to grow up happy and healthy in life. I urge you to try. I hope that you do. - Michele
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