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Anger Issues?
I'm not sure if it's exactly "anger" or my mother just hates me. She constantly calls me "useless" "lazy" "good for nothing" and tells me I'll probably be both homeless and jobless when I grow up. And it's not like I'm a horrible kid, I get pretty much straight A's in school and she seems proud when I tell my parents about it? But it's quickly forgotten. I'm not the only one in the family she treats like that, but my brother is the baby and the favorite of the family and rarely gets that treatment, and my dad is... to put it nicely, on her side, and to put it bluntly, pretty much a pushover. My mother constantly accuses me of throwing attitude at her even when I'm clearly not (one time she screamed at me not to change my clothes every single day, as during these circumstances, we don't really do much all day, and when I tried to explain it was because we had been exercising every day and I was sweating, she just screamed at me to shut up and don't talk back). I get punished if I don't talk back too for some reason? Last time I got grounded for a week, and after that I kept my mouth shut as she was yelling, but even then she tacked another two weeks on for "attitude" I wasn't even saying anything, just trying not to look at her because if I did I would probably say something I would regret. She's pretty level headed about literally everything else except for me. She doesn't treat my dad very well either, but he seems to take it better than I do, probably because she can't really punish him unfairly. All she seems to do is threaten me, even though we didn't have a bad relationship when I was younger that I can remember. How do I deal with this? All I can do right now is pretty much hold out until college which is still four years away, but four more years of this sounds extremely painful.
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I know what you are feeling because I lived with someone for almost 30 years who treated me the same way, it was my ex husband. And what he was doing with the yelling, screaming, pointing the finger at me, getting angry whether I kept silent or spoke up, name calling, ridiculing, etc... is called verbal abuse. Your mother is verbally abusing you and likely your father discovered this after marrying her and likely gave up and decided to side with her, not complain or rock the boat so to speak and have to face her anger.
One big thing that happened due to the verbal abuse, is feeiing stressed all the time. I didnt realize at the time but stress needs to have somewhere to go and so it will go either to your mind and attack your mentality and emotions or it will go into the re st of your body and affect your health. My stress went into my body and I got all sorts of stress caused illnesses. After leaving him I got my health back. Some people have different ways of dealing with something like this. In my case, the ex husband had a stupid reason for targeting me, he had mental illness and thought his mom was going to die in the hospital when It wasn't the case and thought she would through death leave him. She's still alive today and never left him but he switched that fear to women he dated and me who he married. He feared one day I would leave him and when I didn't, said his Dr., he been to treat me terribly just to qualify his beliefs which were false. But not wanting to be wrong, he had to do whatever to fulfill his predictions. Not saying this is why your Mom is like this, but I can aay it isn't normal. Something is wrong and she is hurting inside, unhappy and the pressure and anger in her build up until she explodes and chooses to dump her toxic behavior on you. I dont know why she doesnt mistreat your brother the same way. But what I can say, my kids maybe got yelled at sometimes but they were never the obbject of his fears, I was, so they had to watch him every day treating me terribly. They are adults now but I can see the damage done to their psyches done by just observing this. So I believe the same will happen to your brother, watching you being picked on by Mom will mess with his head, even if he doesn't believe it. Watching the parent who treats him one way treat his own borther worse, his own flesh and blood family, is going to bring about thoughts or beliefs that haunt him into adulthood, in choices he makes, and what he wont do. The mind can come up with strange things. I knew someone in your brothers place, who married but did not want to ever have kids, being afraid if they did, one of them might have a handy little person near in the house to mistreat. It took years of work to get that person to be ready to try for kids.
Since you wont get any help from your Dad, the only help you will get is from reaching out to proper adults. A school counselor is a good place to start and share what is going on. Another choice is going by a church you attend and secretly talk to the pastor about it and ask for help. If you dont attend a church and don't want the school knowing, a church near your home is still a good bet and a priest or pastor will be very open to talking to someone who doesnt attend the church if they are the real thing, one who acts like Christ.
The help that most people would think of is using an agency meant to protect children when the parents are having issues, and working with the parents to get them healthy to be parents again. In my area its called CPS Child protective services and goes by other names in other states but its the same work. I will share from my life experience with a family member and their mate mistreating their child, a teacher reported the marks on the child and since the child had a birth father who wanted her from a previous marriage, the courts gave the child to her Dad. Then the parents who had another child together, had her go to temp foster care while they underwent parenting classes and full pschiatric evaluations and ongoing work until they were cleared to be okay as a parent now. THese agencys do not want to tear up families. So if a parent has mental issues, or anger issues, is abusive physically or verbally, reporting them will not tear up a family for good, but give help to the adult with issues, and treat them until they are cleared to have their children again. This may mean temporary foster care for the children. I am no psychic so I have no idea what is deep inside your Mom that is affecting her to the point that she lashes out at you and is generally a grouchy, unhappy person. Remember that there are times when you haven't seen how Mom treats your Dad. I will guess it could be linked to him somehow. It may not at all be anything he's done or did wrong but him not being the person she thought he'd be. Do you see them act lovey dovey in front of you, trying to sneak kisses or loving pats during the day, week, whatever. For all you know, they may have fallen out of love long ago and remained together for whatever reasons each did, usually some co dependency issues. Your Mom may simply be acting out of her personal unhappiness. If you don't witness Dad treating her badly, then its not what he does but what image she wishes she had for a husband that he can't ever live up to. Many mismatched couples stay together, cohabitate and since they are not in love, have children but then have affairs to take care of other needs. I certainly hope its not the reason why your Mom is as she is. If she doesn't ever get help and get better, unfortunately as it may be, you may not want to see her ever at all after leaving for college, becaause without her wanting to change and agreeing to intervention with whatever her problem is, she will continue to be a toxic person. Toxic people should be avoided as they will only make you unhappy, and sick. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave for all those who write me with stories of their toxic parents, a wand that would change each one into a loving parent without their former issues. But there is no such thing. Instead there is free will which God gave all of us. If he were to change a person into a nicer person against their will, that would be taking away their choice, even if their choice is a bad one. Same as if I used a magic wand, it would still take away a persons free will. I wish the best for you.
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And that is an awful way to have to live. My mother was like that, and I could not wait to eave home. I did wait until I was 18, left and never looked back. I took my mother's words to heart and believed internalized the names she called me. I spent many years loathing myself and didn't think I would amount to anything. I put my parents up on a pedestal. My mom picked on my dad also. Never had a nice word to say about him. Until he was dead. I always wondered why he never left her, but didn't get the chance to ask. So I had no confidence and a very low self esteem. Needless to say I made a lot of mistakes. I found out the hard way, and it took many years, that I was smart and capable and strong. I left my husband of six years (who was just like my mom) with two kids and no $. But I just kept working and putting one foot in front of the other and we got through it. After I left him, my confidence grew. I went back to college and got my degree. I now have an important job and live comfortably and consider my story a success story. It could have gone the other way. I wish I had gained some insight at an early age, but at least I got there. I found out that my mother was traumatized as a child and what her behavior towards me was due to the fact that she was suffering from a low opinion of herself. She was not valued as a child, and so did not value herself, and therefore could not value anyone else, even her immediate family members. I believe your mom is suffering also. Why would any mother talk to their child like that? But to that end. It is up to your mother to see that she is harming you, and she should get help. It is not up to you to point it out to her, because you already know how she will react. So the thought probably fills you with dread. Be 100% sure that it is not you. You've done nothing wrong. You can't please her. Please look for encouragement and a positive feed back from other adults in your life. Like your teachers. Education is your only way out of this. Don't believe a word that she says. When you do leave home, it will be scary,, because you'll still hear her words in your head. Don't be afraid. Fear can look like a great wall standing in your way, but when you put it behind you, and look back, it's just a small step. You do have a long life ahead of you, and the first 18 years or so are small by comparison. It does get better. Make a promise to yourself now, that you are going to be good to yourself. treat your self better than your parents treat you. Love yourself ( corny, I know) But it works. And make a promise to yourself now, that you will not be THAT kind of parent. When I had my first child it was not long before I caught myself acting just like my mom. I was dumbfounded. And it was not easy to change. But I did, I worked hard to be the total opposite. That is what I say to myself now. I decided that they mental illness in my family was going to stop with me, and it did. My sons are great young men and I am very proud of them. You can already see the problem here, and you can see that it is not you. If your parents are your ticket to college, than I think you should wait it out. I had to put myself through college, and that took many many years. You'll love going to school and being away from home. I know you will do well. I think your future now depends on you being patient. Good luck to you.
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