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New marriage dealing with porn and escorts
25/f
Husband is 28/m
My husband let's me use his ipad for games and for looking things up. I was looking up something for my new game, Animal Crossing, continued my search and then forgot the site that I originally liked so I went to the history page. That's where I found all these porn sites.
We've talked about porn and where we both stand with it. I told him I'm fine with it as long as he's not watching it while he's hanging out with me. He told me he doesn't like to watch it often because he knows some men who got addicted and how it could ruin relationships. He also has pictures of me on his phone as well as some videos of me and of us and I asked him why he saved those and he said this is what I use when I masturbate.
So when I found the porn in the history, I wasn't mad or anything, I just wondered why he'd lie about not wanting to watch it a lot. Because I was really chill about it when talking to him. I'm pretty open.
In between those sites he searched specific girls names. I went to his Instagram and hes following them. That made me uncomfortable but I'm not sure I should talk to him about it because I might just be unfair.
Last year he unfollowed a bunch of women on Instagram to prove himself to me because he came home one day and told me he was messaging a girl from his past and it got sexual. I was hurt but we worked through it. I never asked him to delete anyone off Instagram, he told me he doesn't want any sort of temptation and wanted to show me he'd never do that again.
So now I think it just made me a little sick that he's following porn girls on Instagram.
Next was he searched for a girl he dated from a long time ago. Searching her for her nudes. Before we were ever dating, we were friends, he told me she was the one that got away. So her name always stuck with me and seeing that he's still thinking about her, hurts me. I clicked the link and his search found nothing, thank God.
The dates on all this was while I was home so I felt a little weird about it.
Well while I was looking at this, he was at work btw, and it started refreshing. Turns out his ipad is connected to his phone. It was just regular porn so I just ignored it. Then it went from that to escorts. Well first there was a site called oodle, I didn't know what it was but it looks like Craigslist and he was on the personals. Where it looks like dating? I didn't dive deep on it.
Next was searching for escorts in our city and the cities around us. He clicked on multiple ones.
Anyways, as open as I try to be, I can't get on board with escorts.
We just got married four months ago so our sex life is good, really good. I still felt in the honeymoon phase.
I know we should talk when he gets home today. I just feel guilty because even though I stumbled upon it innocently, I dove deep after I saw some girls names and his ex and the escorts.
He's really understanding so I don't think he'd get mad, but I know he'd definitely go incognito the next time he looks at porn haha.
But where I need advice is how to approach the topic? Do I need to be more understanding of him and why he's feeling the need to look at escorts? Curiosity maybe? I would really hope he wouldn't cheat but my heart hurts.
I feel like he crossed boundaries but this is also something I wasn't supposed to see so I feel guilt.
Thanks!
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I am open minded too. My second husband would rather let me sleep even though I've told him he can wake me in the am's for sex. But he needs relief and would masturbate to photos on line. I got up early one morning to find him doing so. He showed me the photos and said he chose them because the females bodies looked the most like mine. He also has said plenty of times that he is so blessed that he got the female withe the kind of body in looks that he had imagined having someday when he was a little boy. But it doesn't stop at the outside looks. He absoultely is in love with who I am on the inside. So you may be open minded but it really depends on what is going on inside of your husband.
He may love you but there are levels of interest in that, where a person can love aspects of another, like I like chocolate icecream, the flavor, texture, etc. But I may not like other flavors so much. A human isn't someone to pick and choose what we like and think the rest isn't going to bother us. There had to be unconditional love.
So I don't know how much your husband loves you on the inside, your personality and such. Those kinds of things are what interest a person in being friends. Even your female friends. Friendship love is not the eROS love or the one with desire, romance and sex. But it is one of the crucial 2 pieces in a firm foundation for a successful love relationship. The other is something that works only if both feel the chemistry with each other. Thats a pheromone based thing not studied much in people, just animals but works the same. We are attracted first by sight but if it is to go beyond enjoying the sight of someone, into being close or having sex, you really need someone whose kisses feel erotic like from a lover, not giving you feeling that you're gtting a romantic kiss from a male relative. That gives you a yuck feeling and is gross.
I didnt know any of this stuff when i married at 20 the first time. So I am not trying to come across as if I am smarter than you. This is life experience and I wish there was a class one could take in College or even sr year HS to learn this kind of stuff. It would prevent lots of mistakes and heartbreaks. So I like to teach rather than make a short statement you might take differently than I. I spell it out. I stayed 20 yrs with a man who had no chemistry with me and also was verbally abusive. My second husband is a prince charming
and in love and loves unconditionally.
We all lose looks as we get older. So I wanted a man second time around who though he enjoyed my looks, was as enamored with my charateristics and personality as those will last a lifetime. We both have the wrinkles, gray hairs, and things going wrong with our bodies getting older but we are still in love and yes, still sexually active although not without some problems that come with age. We are just thankful we have each other and content with the best we have. By the way, I never mentioned earlier about nude pics on PC, I asked if he would like pics of me to masturaate to and he did so we had fun taking lots of pics for him to use those times I was sleeping or sick or something where he had to masturbate. The thing is, he doesnt get aroused by other women. Some guys like any kind of female, any size, etx. but my husband really is turned on by my looks, thus used photos that came close to looking like all parts of me nude.
I can't say what is going on for sure with your husband. He is younger age and may still believe that more variety is what will make him happy or believe that he doesn't have to stop at using a few photos off the net but go for everything, including women who do porn for a living and paying for that. While its one thing to understand that men are visually oriented, its one thing if they can appreciate the looks of a woman, like a beautiful vista of waterfalls, sunsets, etc. But if he feels he needs more than his wife to take care of his needs, something is wrong, something is off. It was your womans intuition already telling you that something didn't feel kosher here. That is why you looked at his phone. I am not saying its okay to sneak looks at his phone but married couples who act consistantly inb ways that help build trust have no urge to sneak on a partners phone but will have the pass code for emergencies, answer each others calls and read texts, or whatever. That is not wrong. But a person can feel they don't 100% trust their mate and although it could be entirely something wrong with the mustrusting person who will misstrust no matter how much their mates actions prove they are trustworthy, it is more often a female unable to trust her bf or husband because there is a lack of full trust. If your husband was okay with just photos of nudes, no porn, as mine does, I am sure you would have no problem, especially if he consistently acted the same way. It is the consistant actions of a person that makes you able to trust or not trust them. Consistency is the key word here. If my man wanted to do something he talks to me about it right before or after. He does compliment people, mostly women but not because he's ogling them, he's into jewelry and gemstones and will compliment a woman on that or the shirt or dress she's wearing and I am right there with him. It would be a problem is he never compliment me, only other women, making his compliments a pick and choose rather than consistent. And none of the women except one in probably a hundred, ever realiaed he was genuine and not hitting on them. Only one women looked horrified over at me and I had to slap my hand over my mouth to hide my laughter. You feel he has crossed boundaries. If my husband started acting the way yours is, I would feel alarm because as I said mine talks to me about anything rather than waiting for me to discover later. If its not something a guy wants to keep hidden or keep silent on,, then its okay but the hiding must mean that deep down he knows he shouldnt be doing it or knows you would not like that so does whatever it is, in private. That alone is the warning that something is not right.
Just the other day, a homeless woman on her own whom we befriended was in a store he ran into while I stayed in the car. When he came out, he told me he saw her in there before she noticed him and came up behind and put an arm around her in a hug. It made her day. He is definitely not attreacted to her body type and definitely not her personality but he is kind to all women and doing what he can to cheer up any who may likely never get any compliments. So I already know this. Before we could leave, she comes out and comes to my side and I opened the door. SHe told me she was surprised to have some strange man put an arm around her until she looked and saw it was my husband. I knew first and because he told me, it was obvious he had nothing to hide, no secret flirting with another woman. I hope you understand what I am saying here. Its not a matter of me not knowing your husband and his personality...its a basic need in all relationships, being honest, trust worthy, consistent, open about everything. SO the best way to go about it is to say to him that since you are not a mind reader, you'd like him to share more with you, his thoughts, his needs, what he is doing, who he met during the day, not as a checking up on him but just because that helps to make a trustworty marriage and since yours is so new, you'd like to get off on the right foot. If things don't improve, you may have to suggest a marriage counselor. Its easy to say you needed to look something up and didn't realize his phone was attached to the tablet and you saw on it what he was looking at from work...if he must know why you feel a marriage counselor is needed. If you both can call each other your best friend, then its a marriage worth saving and going to counseling.
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