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Feeling guilty. Do I have the right to?
26/f
Almost two years ago, I was living with a guy that I was no longer in love with. Unfortunately, because I left a high paying job because I disliked it and found a job that I enjoyed. The downside was that it was lower pay than I have gotten paid. My thought process was that I had to take a few steps back to take a step closer to where I wanted to be. This was true, because even though my job doesn't pay me as much as I would've wanted, I get a free education and am now earning a Masters in a tech field.
Unfortunately because of the low pay, I stayed in an unhappy relationship. At some point, I had to get out and started researching apartments that were within my price range. A lot of the places that were offered or were looking for roommates did not allow pets (I have two bunnies). And I didn't want to live at home with my parents because it was a toxic household. I refused to put myself in an environment that would effect my mental health.
My sister and her boyfriend helped me and gave me an out. They told me that I could live with them whenever my lease was over. That I could save money and pay less living with them and I didn't have to give up my bunnies. I thanked them and took them up on the offer. It's almost been a year and we recently moved into another apartment complex.
My sister recently went back to my parents house for a little bit because she wanted to save money. During this pandemic she's not sure if she will be able to have a job or not. Her boyfriend wants to buy a house in the near future so he would also like to save money. Just to be clear, my sister makes double the amount of income than I do, and her boyfriend as a software developer makes at least triple the amount as I do. To make matters more clear, they have a fairly codependent relationship. Wherever one person goes, the other goes. Meaning when my sister stayed at my parents house, her boyfriend went with her. They have been coming back here and there and stayed over the weekend and then would head back.
I am now in a different relationship. It hasn't been that long and it's not the healthiest of relationships. My sister messaged me and mentioned that if my boyfriend was going to be over most of the summer, why doesn't he take over her boyfriend's side of the lease? I asked her if it was a joke and she that it wasn't because her boyfriend's work from home was extended to September and he didn't really want to pay for rent and everything else if he wasn't here very often.
I was slightly annoyed because they were the two who had looked for this apartment for all of us. Mine and his name is on the lease. I looked and paid for the movers. And a week after moving in, they wanted to back out of it. I mean, I get it because they want to save money and to buy a house and I am thankful that they had originally taken me in, which is why I'm feeling a mix of guilt and annoyance.
I told my sister that I understand if her boyfriend wants to do that and end the lease, but if he was going to do that, he would have to pay for the fees because I'm not the one who was backing out of it, I told her that I wasn't comfortable committing to a guy for an entire year if we had only been dating for only five months and that I wasn't planning on putting myself in the situation I was a year ago, and that he would have to pay for his own movers. I also mentioned that if they wanted to find a roommate for me, that wasn't my job to find someone to cover for his side of the lease. Last but not least, I said that if he was to cancel, to let me know way ahead of time so I could find another place to live.
They have decided to stay but the fact that she had this conversation with me, I can't help but feel guilty.
Do I even have the right to feel guilty? Should I have said what I said when they took me in?
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Dear Ms. Full of Guilt,
Taking a step back and looking at the full picture should be a priority. Sure it's understandable that they want to move home and save money, but also making a commitment to something is important for their character. Their fear might be because of the pandemic, things are changing but doesn't negate the fact that you are in this with them as well. The fact that you communicated to them what you were feeling is very important because of the journey you have been on, especially in your relationships. You should not feel guilty for making the commitment you did on your end and it's important that they live up to theirs. If the relationship does work out then you can discuss that as it gets closer to renewal. Then that gives you a chance to make new plans. Don't feel guilty about what you believe and feel. It's who you are and never let anyone or anything make you question that.
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Its been a long time since I had to worry about leasing apartments. I don't know if rules have changed but just from having talked to friends in the past who rent, the ones liable for collecting any rent from is the people who signed the lease. You said your name is on the lease, so you have to pay, but I can imagine you are not able to pay the total sum. Last apt I rented was with a boyfriend after I divorced my ex. This guy ended up showing his true colors and told the manager he was leaving and I was staying but told me nothing. I got this from the manager when I asked, after not seeing my boyfriend a whole week. It was now a week til end of month and having to pay next month. I did whatever I could to find another room mate but couldnt and couldn't afford the total amt. on my own. So I ended up staying with a friend and just as I'd saved enough to start looking for a place I could afford on my own, I met the man who is my second husband. I know how hard this all is.
You know your brother in law to be is saving for a house and that paying for a place he no longer wants, is hurting him in saving up more money. At the same time, letting it go would mean you're the one left to pay it all which you cant. You dont want to lose a place to live plus don't want to have to rely on another guy you're not sure about yet. That I get. So your only option is to find a female who meeds an apt and roommate to share costs. You might want to go that route and you don't have a timeline as I did because in the meanwhile, siss boyfriend is still paying so you have time to carefully scutinize any possible candidates to be the other paying half of the apt. Now if the apt is too expensive, even with a paying rommmate, then you need to check around, find a gal who wants a roommate and apt and both of you look for a more affordable place. Either way, at some point you'll be where you can afford to tell siss bf, that he can take himself off the lease at the end of the month that you have found a roommate who signs onto the lease at the same time or the month that you and the other rooomie sign the lease on a less expensive place. Lastly, if there is a community college or any college nearby, people around that area will lease out one bedroom in their home to make extra money. You might want to find a single older lady wanting a renter and take a room just by yourself if you can stand sharing living space and kitchen and such with your home owner.
Those are suggested answers to your situation. Now as to your feeling guilty about, I don't understand how a person would fight for a reason to feel guilty. You want to know if its a right or not. I don't think that feeling guilt in your situation applies to even having a little feeling of guilt. Here's why.
There are things I learned in the process of leaving my ex. Most all of it was about me and basically my beliefs and what I thought was the fair thing to do. I am loyal by nature so it was hard for me to give up on an ex who verbally abused me all our marriage. I thought it would be selfish of me to do whatever I had to, to take care of myself first, the reason I hadn't left before, thinking it would be selfish. However a friend finally told me, it wasn't selfish. I spent time praying after that and believe I got a message from God. The message, it isn't selfish to take care of yourself first. ( I've heard others call itL There is no knight in shining armour who will save you) Which really means the decision is up to you. god said that He choose to use people to reach out and bless others so we are like garden hoses that he pours his blessings out through. If the hose ( meaning you) is kinked, or split, either no water or little will trickle out. So I had to see to my needs first before I could be there for any one else I know now or meet in the future. I have learned and follow that rule now closely. Your making sure you have s solid living situation that is healthy for you is a top priority hon. I siad Top Priority as it really needs mentioning again. Once you have tgaken care of your needs and made sure your living situation is a secure and halthy one, then you will be able to be there for others, even free to find a man who will love you unconditionally, and uphold you and your dreams. thats what I have now and I couldn't wish any less for you. So again, based on what I went through in life, I would say, you should not feel guilty at all. Sis's boyfriend is paying for now to give you time to get your living situation in control and thats the least he can do to help but if I were you, I wouldn't expect him to do so indefinitely. Use this time to start checking things out. Blessings to you and may you find a safe home situation and a man who truly cares and would give his life for you....that is where you should not settle for less.
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You should not be feeling guilty for many reasons:
1)You PAID your way. Yes they found the place but you paid for movers and you paid your share of the lease. You were not some person that was living their under the help and care of them for free. You have every right as much as them to own that apartment.
2)Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself. I am very happy that you stood up for yourself and told your sister what needed to be said. You were well in your right to stand up for yourself as they were about to take advantage of you. KEEP STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF!!
You should not feel guilty about anything. It was plain disrespectful for your sister to not be considerate enough to tell you everything in advance and give you time to find a new roommate so I completely understand everything that you did.
Keep standing up for yourself and demanding the best for yourself.
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