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Should I reconnect with my best friend?
My best friend and I ended our friendship 7 months ago. He betrayed my trust and showed his true colors after I defended my boyfriend, which my friend always had something against because of his own old romantic feelings towards me. He humiliated me in front of my friends and tried to make me feel bad and apologize for things that should never be apologized for. Now, 7 mos later I’m able to recognize my mistakes, and I think we were both too stubborn at the time to fix the problems in our relationship. If they were fixed, our friendship probably wouldn’t have ended so soon. Now I hate to say it, but I miss him tremendously. Our happy memories constantly remind me how much I miss him being my best friend, talking to and seeing him everyday. I’ve grown so much, I’ve even rekindled my friendship with 2 people who were involved in that situation who sided with him at the time. However, my boyfriend rightfully dislikes him and distrusts him, as I should too. But I miss him so much. And I know that if he were to reach out, I wouldn’t be able to let him back into my life because it would be such a betrayal to my boyfriend, and I understand that. I’m so stuck, and I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend who genuinely cares about me. Who helped me through that whole situation. There’s so many people who “forbid” our relationship and I don’t wanna screw up any of my healthy relationships for someone who hurt me and may have not changed. But I miss him, please help.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
You are ready to disregard the current boyfriend for someone from your past?
I come from a first marriage to a man who fooled everyone including me, a church going man who was sweet to every one but once we were married he also showed his true colors and the entire marriage and raising kids, I was verbally abused. So I have learned some things in life in this area. I have learned that if a person truly loves you, unconditionally, that betraying trust, being critical of those you choose for friends or relationship, belittling me in front of family, friends and stranger, humiliating me, pointing the finger at me personally and in talk to others always saying I am the one with troubles, yell at me trying to get me to the point of apologizing for something I never did which was almost always the case. The list goes on. Lots of horrible stuff and yet I stayed because I waa afraid that since women earn less, I wouldn't be able to support myself and the kids. I waited unti they left home before I left. Whats your excuse for wanting to go back to him?
I was also tested for my sake by fate, to see if I had learned to identify a man like my ex and sure enough met another guy who seems nice at first and got into an apt with him. He tried mistreating me and controlling me and when I resisted, he disappeared without a word, leaving me without a room mate and no time to get another or come up woth money to cover my apt. Instead of caving into him to keep a roof over my head as I did with ex husband, I let the apartment go, a friend took me in and by time I'd saved enough to get into my own apt, I met the man I am married to now and he is the total opposite of what I had before, sweet, loving, kind, supportive, thoughtful and more but the best part he is loving me unconditionally.
I don't think from your story you learned whatever lesson you were meant to learn, like the biggest one of all, that such treatment is not the kind of treatment one gives a friend, a family member, a mate or even a stranger and yet you miss him? Then you must miss the bad treatment. Maybe you feel you deserve it. If so, you need to get counseling asap. Maybe once the pandemic is over. I certainly hope you are sure ab out not letting him back into your life. He is what is called a toxic person. Many are beginning to understand that there even is such a thing.
So all I can think of to help is realizing first that your conscious mind and subconscious mind or SM as I will say for short, are not on the same page here. You consciously understand that friend is not good news and should stay out of your life but your SM never got the message that you ended the relationship and have moved on. That is truly something that happens to lots of people, a warring of both minds. Your SM can in fact be considered like another you inside you, a totally different thinking person, but in my case, I feel as smart as it is, it still acts like a child, maybe my inner child but it can simply use thoughts to control what you do, or drag its heels which means you don't accomplish something you set out to do. With relationships, it doesn't take into effect good vs bad. It simply believes that what you are most focused on is something you really want, good or bad, so even any fears you have that you put too much time into worrying about possibly happening, your SM will do its darndest to make you slip up, do something silly so that the very thing you fear actually happens, because it wants to make you happy. So here you are thinking of the few good times, yes there are always the few good memories, but theres a zillion bad ones. A few good memories is not going to make the situation better the next time. Better there is no next time so you have to treat your SM as if its another person, by talking to it. I nameed mine as that makes it easier for me. SO lets aay you say, I am talking to my Subconscious mind and I will name you Tania unless you give me a name you prefer.Tania, I don't want you to keep bringing up thoughts of my old friend because although I had a few good times with him, his behavior was actually toxic and that is why I ended the friendship. So I do not want you to bring up any more memories of him because I want to be free of the memories that would make me want to let him back into my life.
Then you have to repeat that each and every time sucha thought comes again, not because its not working but because your SM is having a hard time changing gear so your first day or two will be exhausting with how many times a quick memory of him comes to mind, even if its a good one, you have to repeat the words to your SM, every time a thought slips in. I've done this and it seems like every five minutes a thought came to me on the first day of trying. The next day was less frequent and eventually it stops. That doesnt mean he is erased from your memory but what you think about the bad treatment now has a chance to fall into place. After thirty years of being mistreated at my ex's hands, you would think I have plenty to keep me hating him.But I don't. Since we have kids and grandkids, theres always a Birthday party where I occasionally may see him but I don't act as if he doesn't exist. I acknowledge his presence with a HI, how are you and we do a little small talk, and thats it. The thing is, once you have time to really heal from the past and the bad experiences, you won't be getting bad reactions to your memories. See, emotions are tied to our thoughts. Think of a sad movie you are focused on. You know its actors and a made up story but you get tears in your eyes or cry..and thats because you are really thinking about what you see and possibly putting yourself in that scenerio and so your emotions get involved, whether sadness, anger, and so on. I can say that there is no anger or hatred towards my ex husband when I think of something. I can tell my current husband stories of the kids growing up and then how the ex treated me back then. But just as the memories of child birth pain fade for a mother so shes ready when the next child comes along, these memories which are plagueing you now and causing you to doubt yourself, the emotional response behind the thoughts can be taken away by following this plan. I hope it works for you. It has for many who have written me back to tell me its working. So no matter how crazy it may sound to you, its worth a try.
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