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will my kids be unlucky in love if my family generally are unlucky in love?
I am a 53 year old guy who just went through his 5th divorce earlier this year. Now, I haven't been the one to file for divorce on a single one of these occasions- it's always been them. I have Asperger's syndrome, which I don't think any of my wives really understood about. They knew I had it but didn't really know what it was. I'm thinking this is perhaps connected to these divorces? My first wife left me after those last few years of just not really interacting. That divorce hurt more than any of them, I was heartbroken by it- I thought we'd be together forever, especially since we'd had two kids. Then I met my second wife who I also had a child with- she was generally quite bossy towards me towards the end of our marriage (the first wife just had very little interaction with me towards the end), so it was a huge weight off my shoulders when she filed for divorce from me. We get along much better nowadays though (despite the fact that we're no longer married- I don't know why she seemed so bossy, or why she filed for divorce for that matter, but am kind of glad she did, as we have a nice sort of friendship now.) My third wife I got on very well with, I didn't have any kids with her, but she was extremely charming and also understanding of my Asperger's, and willing to accept me for who I am. Unfortunately, the marriage was my shortest-lived as she ended up cheating on me. My fourth wife was my roommate- we were very close friends, which slowly led to marriage, and we also had a child together. That came to end as she thought that we were too close to each other, that it kind of felt wrong to be married. I understood what she meant so that divorce wasn't too bad to experience- she was very nice as a person, in fact nice as a wife, but she just wasn't the one for me as our relationship was a bit too... personal? We knew too much about each other for it to really work, as we'd been living together on and off for a number of years (she'd always take me in whenever a marriage failed) prior to even starting our relationship let alone marriage. And finally, my fifth wife, we were married for 5 years, and we really enjoyed spending time together- unfortunately, that time got less and less as she was experiencing an alcohol problem, and later decided to end our five-year marriage, I'd assume to give her some personal space. She's currently recovering and I wish her all the best. It was hard to watch her breakdown more than it was hard to experience the divorce. Am currently back living with wife number 4. Should I give up on marriage altogether
I'm also worried that my two older kids (aged 27 and 20), who are currently in serious, long-lasting relationships will experience the same heartbreak that I have. My older brother married 6 times before giving up altogether. My youngest sister has never been in a committed relationship. My other younger sister has been married for 17 years though. So, I'm 1 of 4, and if only 1 of the 4 of us had a successful love life, will it likely be the same for my kids? I love them dearly and the last thing I want is to see them get hurt. My younger two (aged 14 and 12) also will be adults in a few years, and hope that they don't have the same pattern of 1/4 of them having a successful love life and the others' love lives going wrong. Is there any sort of theory to use? Since both of my older kids are essential workers (my 27 year old son's a teacher, and my 20 year old daughter works in a hospital), their partners have time to cheat on them and I wouldn't want that for either of them. That's probably just my paranoid fathering instinct kicking in though.
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The answer to your question is No, they won't necessarily be unlucky in love. However, during their formative years, children are watching their parents closely and will record what they see. Then when adults, they will make their own choices to either decide they want to do the opposite of what the parents did, or just expect nothing more than the same and narry people just like parents or worse, and finally, some can become so jaded due to what they saw growing up and relationships not lasting, that they swear to never marry.
How do I know this? I am in my second marriage. I marriage as I turned 20 and really did not choose a good guy. He pretended to be and fooled my whole family too but after marriage, was verbally abusive wikthout end until I got brave enough to divorce. So my 3 daugfhters all witnessed him abuse me, and he also yelled at them often enough but I got the brunt of it. A retired counselor friend saw signs he had mental illness and suggested he go to see a Dr to avoid losing me forever. Thing is, he told the Dr. he never ever had been in love with me. So this all is what the kids witnessed. Today as adults, the oldest had a child with first husband, divorced him, went on the a second and then a third with each one okay people until the last one who is way worse off than her. From the stories his Mom told me, it appears the Dad is a Psychopath and the son having learned it from Dad, is a sociopath.CPS stepped in when things got out of hand and the first child is in the custody of her birth dad. My take on it is that she saw bad behavior in a man as normal and when the first two husband were generally nice guys, she kept looking until she found a really badd guy and worst yet, cut herself off from all family, even extended family. The middle daugtter has vowed to never have kids. She does want someone for company so she choose a guy who is shy and quiet and sleeps alot and lets her be in charge as he has untreated depression. She told me once that she could never be with a man who has a normal male voice as it was too booming, for her and would send het into panic attacks. The youngest daughter choose a man who is released with back damage from Army and suffers PTSD, plus I suspect he has Aspergers as well. He is a great father from what I have witnessed myself when he didn't know I was watching him closely. I have also heard him erupt in anger and chastise my daughter for pretty much nothing, sounding lots like my es, her Dad. So, if a child so chooses, they can allow themselves to react in negative ways rather than respond with knowledge that there is better and they want it for themselves. I can't say if counseling will help but that is one thing you might keep in mind to share with them. I have also apologized to my children for their having to grow up with the father they had. Thing is, we have children long before we have figured out our own lives, that is bound to happen.
If it helps you feel better, I have a story to share about choices. I don't mean to offend if you don't believe, but I believe in Jesus and God but in more recent years also in reincarnation. I read a book where a hypnotist wrote with permission changing names, of interesting stories of a souls past, before they were born. The most interesting one he got to agree to several sessions as she was able to recount being in Heaven, after the last life. After recooperating and having down time, it is time to choose your next life. Yes, we get to choose but the choice is from among parents and situations that other souls help us with, presenting our choices that will best allow for us to learn whatever it is we need to learn in rhw nwzr life. We also get to choose if we are born into a female or male body. I had an abusive husband and that helped me understand why it was happening to me, I had chosen this life to learn something specific and only had to discover what that something was. That is the harder part. I did discover my major things I had to learn. As a result, I now am remarried to the most wonderful of all men and we plan to stay together no matter what, until our deaths. So I can console myself with the thought that for some reason, my kids as souls chose to be born into a family where we were not only mismatched in many ways but it was abusive as well for me. This brings the challenge to them, the opportunities to rise above it, learn what lesson they are meant to learn and it most likely won't be the same as what I had to learn but it could be the same. This belief is what helps me cope when I see whats going on and have one daughter who for all rules and purposes, is like having lost a child to death, never seeing or hearing from her and I have another grandchild from her I have never met.None of this may happen to your kids, or at least nothing this bad. But if they do want to choose wisely and find a marriage to end til death do us part, then they will need to get some counseling if they are having any issues, and learn what are the right and wrong things to do in a relationship. Best you can do is pray and listen for a chance to hear of their issues and let them know you didnt know back when they were kids but you do know better now and so you would like to share some information now. But of course for that to happen, you might want to read all you can on how to communicate with a partner, and others, Learn all you can about how to reshape a bit how you act around others so that the worst bits of Asperghers don't get to them after a while. My second husband has Autism but a light version of it that he learned to control the worst aspects of and no one sees that he has it and sometimes I forget too until for sample I am stroking his hair. A certain amount of petting his head feels good but then like flicking a switch, all of a sudden any touching is sensory uoverload and he can't handle it. Sometimes he will calmly ask me to stop since its starting to bother him, other times if he is already in a mood, will snap out, "Ow,don't do it anymore, it hurts me." I understand him and its no problem. We are also getting older and my eyes are getting real bad and need surgery, his back is fusing in the middle so he cant bend to put on socks or pick up something he dropped. So he is my eys and does all the driving too, and I am his back, and help put on socks and shoes and pick up things off the floor. It doesnt matter if were in the middle of sometehing else, when one of us needs the other, we've chosen to not let it irritate us but instead be thankful we have that help from a companion who loves each other. Lots of this comes down to choice of thoughts and having understanding. YOu can start work on that yourself and once you have a grasp on what all the important big and small stuff are important parts of a successful long lasting relationship, then you will be able to more clearly see why your past marriages didn't work and how to find the right women this time. Basically, if what you are doing hasn't worked, no matter that they all filed for divorce, then you have to do something diffferent to get different results the next time. If you stay the same, it will end the same. I am not saying you are the cause of all of it, it's always both people. In my case, the ex had commission of bad things, and although I wasn't commiting bad stuff, I was omiting data, info, facts I knew but lied to myself that it wasn't the real problem. the Real problem , or one of them, is that we can't change others, not even being a good influence, Change or wanting to change for the better must come from within so remember that, you can't change a girlfriend or wife so she must be someone you can be in love with and her with you, and unconditional love which means what it says, love with out having conditions the other must meet to still recieve your love and care. In todays times, that is hard to find and fairly rare though it shouldn't be. I wish you the best in finding love when you are ready.
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