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I don't know how to approach him without it being weird
so im not exactly the most confident person ever but there is this guy in my D&D group who i wanna be friends with but idk how to approach him without it being weird cause all we ever talk about is D&D and i wanna get to know him better cause hes a really cool guy but im not sure how to and im a little shy when it comes to making new friends especially when i already know the person a bit but idk how to go up to them and to make matters worse hes my boyfriend and girlfriends (yes i am in a polyamorous relationship and yes all three of us are dating each other) friend and they all go to the same school so its hard for me since they have a better connection than i do so it makes me even more anxious about it. any advice would really help......
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I was involved in polyamory in the past. One thing I can tell you is that if you think you want to be with someone who is polyamorous, it isn't always the sweet little dream life you may think. The concept is great but usually people find they can't handle it and the reason why is that whatever problems a monogamous relationhip has, (which many folks have trouble over coming) a poly relationship will bring up all these issues much worse, bringing to the surface insecurities and issues within yourself that you may not think you had. I have watched many poly relationships with adults crumble. One of the problems is not beiieving you can feel jealous. I am not going off on a tangent here as I will show you something that you need to do before approaching him.
Jealousy is a fear of losing something or someone. When women love the same man and share him, and women being territorial, I can guarantee that the thought "What if he likes her better than me" or "he seems to enjoy talking to her more than me' are things that will happen. Happens to me, all though not very often. However in Poly, you are taught not to compare, that no one is better, just different. I may be wise but my husband when wanting to enjoy a convo about deeper things, technical or psych wise,I am happy to see him enjoy the other person even if its a woman. But hes done his job well of confirming in me that I am his true love, core relationship, and anyone else would be a love on the outside. And here is where I haard most complaints from women who were looking for men to take care of them. If they were not the core relationship woman, they would complain that of his time for when she needed a shoulder to cry on, if she needed medical insurance, and the list goes on. IN reality, a person can't be consoling both woman at once, and insurance won't cover an outside love, only the wife. You may be a teen or an adult playing D&D, but either way, you can get badly burnt if you do not have a core relationship that is solid. That is what I have seen. And also the successful people are ones that realize they can feel jealousy but the only action they immediately take is within, not on other persons, by telling oneself that you feel this way because you fear losing him and you tell yourself what your fears are and then also tell yourself why those fears are not valid. Fear is like a puffer fish, making a big deal of nothing but making itself look bigger and scarier and deadlier than the other fish so others will stay away. There usually is no grounding to our fears.
I know you want to know how to talk to him and I can give you hints. I used to have social anxiety up through my teens but followed a plan to be healed of that and I understand how this is so hard because it once was for me. However, even with winning over how to approach people, I still lacked confidence and that interfered greatly with approaching and talking to people. Some confidence was gained in the part of finding I could talk to literally anyone, right out of the blue, walk up to any stranger even and start a convo. However in all other areas of life I was still not confident.
So I actually have two things to share, how to gain confidence and how to talk to people and I will answer the latter as that is what you seem to want. But since we are talking a poly person here, your lack of confidence may rear its ugly head at any point you are making headway in just talking. So if you want the story of how to gain confidence in a real one easy step, let me know. I know it sounds like some infomercial but it isn't, just things Ive read and tried or learned from others.
Your last sentence tells you feel insecure about this, feeling they have a better connection. The only thing that can be better is having more things in common to talk about. When that isn't the case, it can still be great, just different with sharing stories about yourself, asking him to tell stories about himself and maybe each of you learning a new hobby or something from each other.
What I have learned from a fear of speaking to people is that I had to go slowly, starting with just saying HI or smiling and that already was difficult for me. If you have the same issue and can't just start talking to a stranger, then someone you know where there is some comfortable ness with them, will not help you to practice with them. So I would recommend not just trying to talk with the guy you want but also practice these things with strangers. I know you are thinking of walking up to a stranger and saying hi, my name is.....and whats your name. Yes, I must admit that way of doing it is awkward and quite weird and who ever you walked up to will try to put distance between you and them and most will not answer, and the reason is, that isn't normal.
So what is normal? It is normal to talk to a person you don't know when in the same situation.
Heres an example. I was in the grocery trying to pick out a melon but not sure which was best. I saw a lady picking up melons, tapping them and listening to them. I asked her what she was doing, without asking her name or giving mine. This is a question for help or info and people are usually very willing to help, it is almost like they are compelled to help and answer. Of course you can do this with people you know but you learn it and become truly comfortable with it faster and its more of a life changing thing in all areas, not just with one or two friends. I went for learning to be comfortable in all areas of life. And with the lady and melons, she picked bad ones and let me listen while she tapped em and the difference in sound when they were good ones. She later saw me elsewhere in the store and spoke right up as I was trying to choose a product. 'Hey, if you use that brand, I have a coupon for it I can give you she said, while handing a coupon out to me. Now if I had asked her what her name was and did small chat before asking what she was doing, She'd probably have looked at me strangely and walked away before I could ask. So its as simple as starting a conversation by asking a question based on something you have3 in common. Also, another convo starter is complimenting a stranger and my husband does this as well. I could tell the grocery clerk that I love her earrings. And one answered me saying, 'Yes, they're very special because my daughter got them for me.' to which I replied, "Then you're a lucky mother to have such a fine daughter' and she said 'Yes, I am.' Neither of us will see each other again but people love it when you acknowledge something about them, even if you're saying, "I love the sound of your laugh, it makes me want to laugh' A compliment also disarms a person who may not be exactly an extrovert and they will answer or acknowledge just the compliment and stop talking. If a person is busy concentrating for a test, reading or watching a show, it is harder to have a full on conversation and small comments are best. Such as someone in the middle of fixing something, I might walk by and say, That sure looks hard. They may answer it is and keep working or say, naw its okay, Ive done this before. I can leave it at that and walk away or ask a question, "I have time if you could use an extra hand. and the answer will either be, no,I've got it or well if you're serious, it would go much faster if you could hold certain things for me. I'll show you if you really want to help. End result, you've helped another human which would never have happened if you hadn't stopped to make a comment.
Next is open ended questions versus closed ended ones. I will give examples.
Closed ended: Did your Mom get you that shirt?
Open ended: Nice shirt, where did you get it?
Notice how the first question can only be answered yes or no. A talkative person though might say, No. Actually my cousin wore a shirt like this and I liked it and asked where he bought it and then got it. But few people are like that, I am tho. Men are already too much to the point and seem to be on a mission to save and speak as few words as possible so you ask a male a close ended question and you will get a one word answer. A this point the convo can die if you can't think of another thing to say.
Its much better to ask the question a person can not answer with a yes or no but have to ex plain in full how they got the shirt.
Open ended questions are the way to start a conversation. SO for you and this guy, you can start with, So what did you do last weekend? instead of did you have a nice weekend. You want to know what he did, don't go the easy route and use a close ended question.
When a person answers an open ended question, really listen to their answer and find a word or something they said to use as apring board to switch to another topic. So using the weekend question, heres another example of how this works.
He: "Oh I didnt do much. My friend Tony came over and we didn't do anything but binge watch old Star trek shows.' You have so many choices here because you can ask him more about Tony if he is his best friend and how he met him. YOu could mention that you also enjoy binge watching certain shows and mention a couple and ask if he's seen them. And lastly, you've learned he likes Star Trek which may mean he's a Trekkie fan or is into Sci fi anything so you could ask if he is a Trekkie or a Sci fi fan , yes, its closed ended, answered by a yes or no but your next question is asking which shows or if you like any Sci Fi shows, not asking but sharing which Sci Fi you like. It would go something like this: 'Really? You binge watched Star Trek. I happen to like Star Trek too but not the original seriers, its too fakey to me but I like Voyager and ......" If he says nothing for a while, you can ask another question, Which are your favorite characters. Never say what you think he wants to hear. Just be yourself and share truthfully. You don't want someone to fall for a false you based on what you've said and then come to realize youre nothing like that at all.
Lastly, if you think theres a chance he may respond favorably to dating you, if his two other friends are poly, whether he is or isn't himself, you need to speak to the other two friends first, and let them know you'd like to date him and get their feedback and okay. When it comes to sharing each other, the two need to be okay with him entering the circle. This I found most important for adults who were sexually active with all their partners. And one had to take precautions and never break any safety promises such as condoms because dating could very easily include sex. At this point with the virus, I would not be eager to start a sexual thing with anyone. This is all I can think of but I may have left something out so if you have other questions or want to know about the easy way to gain confidence (I tried it, and it worked so well it shocked me) then find my advice column under dragonflymagic and write to me from there. Anywhere else and I can't answer you as the site is not set up that way
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Go for it. Tell him how you feel. Suggest lets get to know one another better and see what develops. You to may discover one another. Dating one another may become more desirable than D&D. Only the future can tell
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Hi there! It's okay to be anxious about something like this. One thing that may help is breaking down the situation. "Why do I feel anxious?" is a broad start. You may be anxious of rejection, that the person will think you're weird if you start talking to him. If I was in that situation, I would think of the absolute worst thing that could happen, (which would probably be him saying "ugh, you're weird...why are you talking to me?"). Yes, the rejection may hurt, but ultimately it doesn't reflect on you as a person and there are so many other people that adore you! Best case scenario, you end up becoming good friends and laughing that you were ever nervous in the first place :)
I think you should go for it. Start talking about D&D, and then switch the topic to something objectively funny or see if he switches the topic!
Please let me know what you think and what you end up doing :)
-Holly
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