|
my contradicting dad
Whenever I am upset with my dad he says i can't just leave the conversation and i have to finish it . I have learned this. But whenever he is upset with me, like I am asking him a question about why he did something that he doesn't like to talk about. He will just cut me off and say "i have enough or your bitichin' " and keep telling me he's done until all i can do is leave and it never gets resolved. what should I do? I don't know how to make him see he is being contradicting and arrogant.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I would try and have a heart felt conversation with him sit him down make him aware that him cutting you off and saying what he is to you is really affecting you bothering you also mention nothing is getting resolved by you leaving or your dad cutting you off not allowing you to speak that happening isn’t helping anything your dad won’t know how you’re feeling unless you tell him he can’t read your mind you deserve for him to give you his attention you deserve for him to listen to you when something is bothering you and not cutting you off saying he’s done that isn’t fair right to you tell him you want for thing’s to get resolved and for thing’s to not be left unresolved without closure you deserve to have peace of mind for yourself
]
I have know people like this and a person like this is usually the one with a problem. They may sense they have an issue but do not want to look inwards to even try to discover what it is. So he is choosing to blind himself to the fact he has issues that are causing conversation with you to fail. And to keep the attention off theirself so no one looks too deeply and discovers they have a problem so they will be quick to point the finger at someone else to take attention off them and the other person busy defending themselves or leaving. My ex did this. He quit going to a Dr. so he has some undiagnosed mental health issues. He was verbally abusive. I can't say that is also the case here, but I can clearly see that he doesn't like explaining himself and is quick to refuse answering and blaming you for your bad attitue.
I don't know if you truly are doing something to set him off but I can tell you from experience with my ex, that attempting to correct him is like adding fuel to a fire. Attempting to defend yourself is adding fuel to a fire and if he was in a grouchy mood, he would now be yelling and screaming. It got so bad that even when I kept quiet and said nothing or walked away, even that was making him angrier because he couldn't make me react the way he wanted me to. Sometimes it is a no win situation.
I can tell you that a family member, you or mom saying something to him about getting help, or trying to improve himself, will not be accepted from a family member. It is easier to get a point across if it is from some one else. So my suggestion it that you take the time to peruse books on the rules of communication. There really are plenty of dos and don't and if we dont know them, we end up setting someone off. Might as well leaern that now as a family and you can use it with a boyfriend or husband when the time comes. It will show you what you are doing right and what Dad is doing wrong.
If there is a Mom in the picture, talk to her in private. Always be ready to ask if she sees anything you say or do that may get to him. Learn what to do when you are upset. Heck put a phrase into google search, how to communicate when upset and start reading all the hits. But having a book on hand about conversation that you have gotten real familiar with is a good way to have some one other than you let Dad know you are trying to f ollow the right way to communicate and you can show him by turning to the pages on it. If he gets angry still or angrier, you can talk to Mom but you might want to share all this with a school counselor, especially if there is no Mom or Mom just doesnt see the problem or thinks everythings fine with your Dad. It isn't. Yes, we can get frustrated with our kids sometimes, so did I but I kept my voice calm and used situation to become teaching opportunities for my kids. I still remember a daughter out with her siblings and Dad for the day. When lunchtime came, Dad wanted to go to a certain restaurant he liked regardless of what the kids wanted. This daughter said there was nothing she liked there and asked if afterwards he would stop at the subway sandwich just down the street a bit and he threw a fit and humiliated her in public. This all came out later as we were at a friends of ours home that evening. She began telling me about what happened, the man was a retired counselor and listened in. The wife was smart and redirected my husband and other kids to another room to show them something. I told her I was sorry that as an adult, her DAD was being childish and unreasonable and sorry she had to go through this. I told her she had been very unselfish to allow him to go where he wished and reasonable to ask him to take her elsewhere to grab food for herself, as I would have done if I had taken the kids out. She was about 12 at the time. I told her that we had to look at this from a different angle, to see what good could come from it. I told her that in the adult world, she will often come across people who are unreasonable, mean and are users, abusers and so on. So this was her chance as a young person to learn to how get along with unreasonable people. I guess it worked because the owner of a daycare was unreasonable to her one minute and nice the next and the sruff she told me, I would never have stayed that long and quit long ago but she stuck with it as long as she got her paycheck. I am just sharing that true story in case nothing resolves with your Dad. If you can look at it as learning how to co exist with unreasonable mean people, you;ll be more prepared later in life, to know that it is best to avoid them and if that can't be done such as a teacher or boss for a class or a job you really need, then you learn how to not let it bother you and not react to it. I hope for your sake that this is not hwo it turns out for you.
]
I would try bringing it up when you guys are chill and just say that sometimes you want to settle the discussion and he won't let you. Do it calmly and without pointing fingers. Ask him more like, "When we argue, I want to finish the conversation when its happening, just like you taught me, but you never let me. What can I do?"
When he is in that angry state, you're not gonna change his mind. Having said that, if people are too pissed, its better to be allowed to cool down. So maybe its not such a bad thing that he leaves, because otherwise he might say something he'll regret. Besides, he's your dad so he's gonna view it as "do as I say, not as I do"
Ask him how I said. Nicely otherwise you're just gonna have to accept that that's how they are, even if he is a hypocrite sometimes. Its hard for people to change.
]
More Questions: |