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Not what it seems
My mom is an alcoholic, and has been since my early early childhood. She’s always nagging me about how my sister never tells her anything. She fails to realize that the time to build a strong relationship bond with me and my sister has long passed, how do I set the record straight without her constantly throwing it back up in my face, in future situations? She has gone through things with us that I thought would coax her to stop drinking, but was only temporary, I have given up hope on that account, and do not intent to pity her or try to understand her pain. Also I too do not have a good communicative relationship with her that she doesn’t seem to notice, there is no counseling in area on her problem. So for my remaining years with her I would like to know how to make her understand my different views on her without her keeping me on my toes?
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I don't know of any way to get a message through to a person needing some important change in their life. I was married 30 years to a man who never felt he could do anything wrong and kept pointing the finger at me, even publicly telling others how terrible a person, wife i was. Turns out an retired counselor friend recognized mental illness in him and suggested he see a mental health dr. I was so excited when he listened to the friend and went realizing if he didn't, that I might leave him. So he went until I overheard him telling someone that he was going through the motions, only going to fool me into staying with him because he still believed that there was nothing wrong with him, that the Dr. too was wrong. I divorced him and am now married to a wonderful man. My story shows that in many cases, a persons view can be skewed so they simply can not see that they have a critical issue needing care. I am sure you faced much abusive behavior with a mother already drunk, as I did with a man always acting out of his mental illness. Since there is no way to make Mom see your views. The only think you have the power over, to do, is regarding decisions you make that affect you, and how you will act. I can make that more understandable. I had chosen to live with and ex pose myself daily to a husband who mentally abused me. The stress of that affected my physical health but since leaving him, I am so much better and healthy. Stress from a toxic relationship on a daily basis will affect you, stress needing to go somewhere and it either goes to your body or your mind to affectd your health there. I was not locked up with him, I could make the plans to leave at any time but was afraid of how I'd survive with 3 kids so I waited til they were out on their own and now wish I hadn't. But the good part of the story is that I limit my time being around any person or situation now that is stressful. It's called loving yourself fully and is not selfish. Selfish would be a healthy loving Mom who isn't alcoholic wanting to spend time with you but when it comes down to the day, you choose attending a concert with friends over spending time with her and have such plenty of other times where you purposely choose to never make time for Mom. I was told I wasn't loving myself 100%, although I did okay in many ways, but exposing myself to a verbally abussive man day in day out was the part I needed to learn to choose me first. I had to protect myself as you need to do, to keep yourself healthy. So limit time you spend with Mom. I don't know if you still live at home but if you are legally an adult, do whatever you can to get some other friends looking to get out on their own and do it, sharing rent. If not old enough yet, start planning for it, as it is essential for your mental health to have a place of your own, you share with others but not with Mom so you have space from her. You have to realize worst case scenerio that her life will be shortened. I knew a person later in life, a neighbor who had been drinking all their life,, all day long every day and they died of cirrhosis of the liver. At some point, her liver will give out, not a prediction but just based on the scientific knowledge of what happens when a persons liver is abused in such a manner the entire life long. So you will at some point lose her. I say this so that you don't cut her out totally but decide to keep in touch and when she becomes nagging or terrible in how she is treating you, make an excuse to have to leave early, maybe something else you pretend you forgot. You can't share the truth with her as she'll only think you are looking to create trouble. Hope this helps.
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