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About Family and Relationship
Hi.. This is Bhuvana. It's been around 1.6 years since I married. I was in a relationship of about 7 years and married the same guy. He is such a great person and takes care of me like a new born baby always. But nowadays I have started to lose the feelings for him. He has become more fat and ugly and not obeying my words. I can feel that how much lazy he is being nowadays!!! So it always end up it fight whatever the topic arises! Fitness or money related whatever.. We are always ending up wit fight and arguments.
I'm a working women and I'm getting attracted towards another person at office. But I'm not sure if that person is also feeling the same towards me!! At times, he is caring and at times he is not. But I feel that I have feelings only on the person at office not with my husband as I'm not being happy at home.
Why this kind of stupid thoughts for me? I'm brought up in a culture where we need to respect one and only our husbands and live life with him. And that is the promise before society we gave. But with these kind of thoughts, I'm unable to be happy. The person whom I have feelings on person at office is also not minding but at times he misses me and talks to me well but at times not...
I always think about that person at office and waits damn for his texts, care or call etc.... I'm unable to be truthful to my husband. Really suffering a lot!! Kindly advice :(
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Having interest in someone other than ones husband and also men having interest in other women usually starts when they are not happy in their marriage. The reasons why can vary. Sometimes as in your situation, a person loses attraction to their mate. Often the reason is that the two were never a good match to begin with. There is no chemistry, the kind needed both to be best of friends and also the best lovers. Something that leads people off onto a wrong path is assuming that what they feel is the real thing, I have heard it called New Relationship Energy. This kind of energy is the same kind of excitement one gets when anticipating receiving a gift and opening it and it being exactly what they wanted. However, I remember several times as a child wanting a certain thing, it sounded good at the time but once I had it, It didn't hold my interest for long. Yes, I loved some aspects of it, but not all. Its the same in some relationships and may be the case with yours, both of you thinking you want something but it turning out to not be all you wanted. You get something that you wanted, in your case the attention and caring lavished on you. But what might be missing is being in love, unconditional love and that means loving the person more than skin deep, loving their personality and character, even their short comings feel like small insignificant things. I had a bad marriage first time around. I now have a second husband after a divorce and he loves me more than skin deep which is good because we are getting older, I have wrinkles, my eyebrows have disappeared, eyesight and hearing bad, hair is starting to thin besides getting more silver. When our car gets old, we might trade in for a newer model. I am not saying you are shallow minded and simply don't love him for gaining lots of weight. I am only telling you of reasons why people end up in the situation or feel as they do when in the situation. We might feel we love a person for the right reasons as I did when 20 and marrying the first husband. I thought I had chosen well and he seemed to love me but in a month it switched and he surprised all my family whom he fooled. I was verbally abused and yes there were fights, mostly one sided as I didn't choose to be sucked into a verbal war and retreated. So I have some idea as to how it feels to be unhappy in marriage.
The part I don't understand is that you were in a relationship with him 7 years before marrying him. Surely you had seen something or things came up that were pretty bad, long before you got to the marriage point. If he was truly pretending to be someone he wasn't, he would have reverted back to his real self within weeks if not months. Only a few people can come up with the personal energy needed to pull off a fake personality longer, like 3 to 6 months but no longer. I wasn't able to spot the warning sign early on with the first husband but after divorce, I knew what it looked like in a person and many guys met me and went on a total of 3 dates maximum before they let the fake personality slip, thinking they had fooled me and I was in love. I wisely told them I felt no chemistry although I'd given it time and then told them it was over. I was not about to get hooked up to a man who was anything like the last one. I did not fall for anyone else while with my ex. It was enough for me to deal with daily stuff including being a Mom of three girls. I also had to fill the role of Dad partially due to problems the ex had. So there is where my situation is different.
I will say that running into the arms of anyone whom you find sexually attractive is only going to be a relationship built again on interest that runs skin deep. I'll put it this way, pretend you are single, and if you had a choice to marry a guy who had all the great terrific qualities of your current husband, and there were two choices and the only difference is that one loved you skin deep only and one loved who you are inside, the part that will never age and wrinkle, then which would you choose? I had to decide what was most important and critical to have in a mate the second time around. I wrote a document called, Finding Mr. Right based on my experiences and what I did to find the right man for me. If you want it, to check to see if the current husband actuall6 fits that, go to my column, Dragonflymagic and write me from there to ask for it. This info helped me find my second husband.
Not saying you need to do this. In most situations I would recommend getting him to agree to go with you to a marriage counselor first. Then if things can't be worked out or he refuses, only then go for divorce. You will not be the only woman who had ever faced this. Probably half the women you know are unhappily married and the problems range from very minor to major things like neglect and abuse. You need to make decisions and some changes are needed that are going to be the best for both of you. But if it can't be beneficial to both of you, in the end, you have to look out for your own needs first because there is no knight in shining armor who will be riding in to save you. It all falls to you.
I won't skip what you said about honoring ones husband. THere is also the bible verse to honor your mother and father. Honor is a good thing but very misunderstood. A person must be honorable to be honored. If a person were a killer, stole cars, embezzled money, etc. their character alreadt is not one that should be honored simply because they are a parent or a husband. Thats where some go astry and believe they must honor no matter what. Lets use me again for example. My first husband broke every promise he made in marriage vows. Finaaly one day later in life, I actually heard back from God, (or whatever you call a higher source) that I am released from my vows because the husband broke all of his and that nullified the vows and I owed him nothing. I was highly mistreated and mentally tortured on a daily basis, so my only option was to leave. I don't know if that is the case for you. Fighting is a bad sign but might be able to be fixed with couple
counseling but you did mention his weight gain and becoming lazy. Again using myself on that subject, my second husband has a body type that according to ayurvedic medicine is the one that struggles most with weight gain, must excercise the most and eat right to just barely keep weight in reason. I have seen him go down to a slimmer self and back up again. But that has nothing to do with him being lazy. He is very active, calls himself a work horse which is true. He doesn't like to just sit and do nothing much. His activity however doesn't help keep the weight off. He has to go on fasts often if he wants to get his weight down. So is his tummy sexy looking? No. Does he have extra fat elsewhere? Yes. Do I find him ugly? No, but if I focus on the tummy only, I won't see the parts of him I do love. I love his long hair, love the shape of his legs, bottom and the dip at the bottom of his back and private parts I won't go into. I may not be as turned on by his looks as I am by who he is inside, how he treats me like a Queen, how his eyes still fill with desire for me. If a guy isn't looking anymore at his woman like that, he has lost interest, by the way. I in return love him with all my heart, telling myself often how lucky I am. I know I would never trade him for a man who lacks with he has on the inside but has a body builder body and looks sexy and all women drool when they see him. As an aside, I will say that no matter his extra weight, because of how he treats women kindly everywhere, he has women interested in him all the time. I have plenty of funny stories on that. I have shared all I can think on the subject including my own life examples. I can't tell you what to do. Only you can decide what to do next. Hopefully what I've shared will make it easier to know what to do. Talking to each other about what changed and why is needed. If he can't do it without picking fights, go to a counselor who will mediate this and help you get the information out. Once you have more information, you will know wether there is hope or if its over. A friend got my husband to go to a psychologist because as a retired counselor he saw some mental illness in my ex and the ex went only a few times and then told friends he was going only to fool me to keep me, where I would think he is really wanting to get better and save the marriage. But that wasn't his goal and he still felt there was nothing wrong with me and from an eye opening conversation with the Dr. I discovered there was no hope. He was asked if he was in love with me, not that he loved me but in love, there is a difference. He didn't answer but tried to distract away from himself by saying, "You don't know how difficult it is being married to her, she does so many things wrong." The counselor recongnized the tactic as one to lead the focus off him and simply asked the question again. This time he finally said, "Well, I love her as the mother of my kids." "Are you in lover with her?" he was asked again but he'd only said basically that he thought I was doing a good job as mother to our kids. He squirmed a while and finally said, "No, I have never been in love with her." When I heard that, it actually answered many questions as to why he had treated me the way he had. THis is what I meant by learning something important and eye opening to make my decision on when going for counseling. Thats why I suggest it for you.
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