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My response to your advice on ‘Guilty Crush’
Back in August, I wrote an advice post saying that I had a crush on my second cousin (my mother’s Cousin)- and I felt really guilty about it- that crush is still there and I still feel guilty about it.
Firstly, I didn’t make my age clear on that post- I’m 16- so you were absolutely correct, Dragonflymagic, to base your advice on what you’d tell a high school student.
Most of what I said in that post still stands- I’m still a little bit put off by the age gap (despite the fact that I’m not planning to act on these feelings and also despite the fact that I don’t know the exact age difference)- I still think she’s really nice, pretty and her accent is still really nice to listen to.
Now, these feelings were forgotten about for a few months- however my uncle recently married his long-time girlfriend and his cousin (the one I have the crush on) was there as a guest- my parents were even seated at the same table as the cousin in question (unsure if the correct terminology is my second cousin or first cousin once removed, but am going to say second cousin).
Now I’m sure this is just a coincidence that me and my family (parents and siblings) were seated at the same table, though I think it’s a very odd one.
I think I managed to hide those feelings pretty well but am worried that my parents will find out and tell the cousin in question.
As I mentioned back in Aug, this is one of mom’s closest cousins, they’re always texting each other- so I’m worried that if I tell her about this situation, she’ll bring it up in conversation (my mom’s a bit of a blabbermouth at times). My dad on the other hand probably won’t take the situation seriously.
How do I handle this situation? I’d like to speak to someone about it but my family can be very big gossips and I don’t trust any friends enough to keep it quiet.
Also, slightly random, how do I manage to find out the exact age gap? Because that could either make me feel better about these feelings (if she’s younger than I expected) or guiltier (if older).
Please reply back as soon as possible.
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It's me again and sorry to hear you're still having a tough time over this.
Since you are feeling guilty about having these feelings and thinking that age gap is the most horrible thing here, I must tell you something that will hopefully get rid of these feelings.
You've already said you do not plan to act on your feelings and that is good, even if the female in question was real close to your age. Telling someone you have deep feelings for them when they don't feel the chemistry in return is Very Awkward. Imagine yourself being approached by a female classmate whom you get along okay with in class but you have absolutely no personal interest in her. Then one day she tells you she has strong feelings for you, possibly love and how does that make you feel. You just received news you didn't expect to hear and what are you supposed to do with that knowledge. The person telling you is hoping you've had a crush on them for eons and will admit at that same point your feelings and you both start dating and marry later. Nope...that is just wishful fairy tales
In reality you will now feel awkward knowing her feelings every time you have to interact in class, afraid something you say or do is going to give her false hope and that is a great possibility with the second cousin, that the feelings are just one sides, yours. I know you probably figured this already but this thing about only one person feeling chemistry for someone is way more common than people think.
Now the part that may help you feel more normal. There are males attracted to older women and this is something they already know from puberty on and sometimes a little before. My second husband is such a man. When he turned 18, he was working as a busboy in high end restaurants and many of the older women hit on him. At a time when younger women haven't figured out what they want yet and gained the self confidence to go after what they want, it is a relief on the man not having to do the asking out or propositioning. So lets see here, I gave his age and at this point he got lots of the 30 something divorcees who knew they didn't want to remarry right now or ever and just wanting the companionship and sex life. After I left my first husband, one of the first guys to hit on me was the age of my kids in mid to late twenties so I didn't take him seriously but later realized he truly wanted to date. I told him he was a nice person and from hanging out just as friends, I could tell there was too much of an age gap mentally for me. Told him I would be open to a friends with benefits for a while but once I found the man I wanted to marry for rest of my life, I would be looking for closer to my age.
Here's examples of the mental differences: He bought something that was important to people my kids age but not to me. I never commented that he bought it, never even noticed it and he was hurt by that, even when I wasn't trying to hurt hi;m. I did compromise and try to learn somethings from him but he didn't know the bands and singers of my time or the past history all of us have, the process of things when we were younger, the types of shows I had watched which he didn't recognize any of, landmarks no longer around, presidents who was in office for me but not him as he hadn't been born yet. There's way more but you may think, thats small stuff and shouldn't make a difference. I understand and there may be the odd person for whom it doesn't matter. But for the type of bond I was going for, it was not working. It is this very bond of having things and interests and even history in common where we can launch from to build a friendship. If one is lucky enough and two people both feel more than friendship for each then those two date, get romantic and possibly marry.
I just want you to know that it is normal to be attracted to a person or in general, person older than you. On the other side, females your age may look at older men and though they would be horrified to be dating one, they are still drawn to watch, spy on, admire older men. What I tell them which I suppose works as well for young men as well (in case you are not another female)
is that young people who have not been in any serious relationship yet, want to be in the best relationship with the nicest person and treated really well and loved. What I tell them, is that something as complicated as finding two lives that fit together til death do them part, is not an instant thing. It takes time to prepare and learn how to choose the right person and not simply go with someone because you were waiting for someones interest and they were the first to show it. I tell females to keep a iis of things they see that they like, admire, are drawn to in these older men. Looks might be it, well able to care for his family may be another but mostly it will be things like how he treats all females, if he has a sense of humor, whether he is a silent quiet type or a great conversationalist, an introvert or extrovert and many personality and character points. So start doing the sleuth work now asking yourself feel you are drawn to this cousin. Is she a friendly bubbly person who is always quick to laugh about something? If so, maybe you are drawn to that quality and it signifies that when older and ready to search for a marriage partner, this should be one of the qualities you look for. What you might do as you decide what the ingredients are exactly that have you developing feelings for her.
And when ever you see her, inwardly smile and tell yourself, there's one of the people with qualities I want to find in the person I will someday date and marry. If you can silently say this in your mind, your subconscious mind will hear it and eventually switch around its way of thinking about her. I might as well launch into talking about how the sub conscious mind and our feelings and emotions are linked. I didn't learn this until well into adult hood and wish I'd known it earlier. Think of watching a movie where you get angry at a character or a situation that makes you cry. Your conscious mind knows those are just actors and a made up story but your feelings are going as if this was a real life situation that was happening to you or someone you know. So basically, what our eyes see, and what our ears hear, will trap the attention of our subconscious. So if your thoughts are wishful thinking that perhaps someday when you are old enough, you and this cousin could fall in love, well...if you think certain thoughts like this and keep dwelling on them, the message it sends to your subconscious mind is that this must be very important to you to be capturing your attention like this and unknown to you, our subconscious's dont see good or bad, black or white so it can't tel'l if something shouldn't be part of your thoughts and the subcon. mind will do everything in its power to help you get what it beleves you want and won;t give up until you tell it that you no longer want to think of her that way. This gets dangerous if what you think about most is something you fear happening. Guess what part of you is going to work hard to make that fear come true because it doesn't see fear as something bad, only something you must want badly because you think of it so often. SO if your fear is the first scratch or dent on your brand new car, it can't make other people choose to do that but it can get you to make some bad judgements like parking next to an extra wide vehicle or a car parked too close to the line and too close to the spot you chose, or parking in a badly lit or unlit area known to be seedy. This makes it easier now for some punk to key your car in a dark parking lot or someones car door giving you a ding. So a lot of this is still happening because of how you are thinking and you haven't given your mind any new commands. Talk to yourself, which is actuall6 talking to your subconscious mind and can be done silently in your head or out loud when alone. You simply tell it, "I realize there are actually aspects I like very much about my cousin. It doesn't mean I can ever be in a relationship with her. But I want you on the lookout for any girls with those qualities.
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