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Am I complicit
I work in a sex store and there’s an “arcade” in the back where people go to watch porn have sex. The other day I saw a man attempting to lead a woman who was clearly drugged out in there. I told him that they couldn’t enter because she couldn’t consent and they left. I was already beating myself up about not calling the cops then when about an hour later they came back in. Her nose was bleeding but not from drugs, it was bashed in and looked like she had either fallen or been punched. I tried to reason with her, asked her if she had anywhere to go or if I could call someone for her but she couldn’t understand me. I then tried to talk to the man, told him what he was doing was wrong, she can’t consent and if he has sex with her it was rape. He was basically just looking through me so I told them I was going to call the police and they promptly left as I was dialing 911. They were gone by the time someone answered and I was just told to call again if they came back. I have not slept since this happened. I can’t eat anything, I can’t stop crying. I have never felt more guilty in my life. I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself knowing that I let a woman get raped and I didn’t do everything I possibly could to stop it. I keep going over in my head all the things I should have done. I’ve never hated myself so much and I don’t know what to do
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You really shouldn't feel guilty about any of this because you checked off all the right boxes and called police. That's exactly what you should have done and you acted correctly. There's not much more you could have done to assist her. There's no doubt and it's normal to feel traumatized by the event but you have to let yourself know the truth that you did everything you were supposed to and acted swiftly and appropriately.
My next question is how badly do you want/need this particular job? While you'll meet normal people like you and I in a job like that you'll also meet some pretty disturbed people like you just did. It may not be right for you to work in an environment where people are engaging in sexual activity and have to monitor them to make sure they aren't doing anything illegal or assaulting anyone. You may want to consider doing something else and getting a job in a healthier environment.
You can't ans shouldn't hate yourself over anything however as I mentioned this may be a signal to you that working there isn't where you should be.
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This wasn’t about you- you may have been able to help, but that time is over now, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about that because I doubt that many people would know what to do in that situation as many people don’t like to admit that it’s happening and they need to intervene. It’s ok to feel scared- just don’t beat yourself up about it when it doesn’t do any good. If you’re still in contact with the girl who had been drugged, maybe ask her what happened and if she’s ok now, because that’s what matters.
And now you know what to do in the future. And it’s good you are feeling guilt. If you weren’t, only THEN I’d think you were terrible.
You didn’t know what to do and that’s ok- just look out for future situations like this now that you have had this experience.
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We have all these unexpected situations that happen to us and we are so stunned at the moment that we are stunned into inaction, doing nothing, like a deer stopping and staring at your car head lights as you're traveling towards them, When the situation has passed, its then something inside is bugging me, something I could have done differently and I will let my mind be consumed by all the things I could have done. With time to think of what I could have done better, I use that to learn what to do if something like that is happening again, or anything iffy is happening where I could be wrong but its better to be safe than sorry when it comes to someone else. So in answer to your question, no you are not complicit since complicit means: Associated with or participating in an activity, especially one of a questionable nature.
You were not in cahoots with the man, helping him to drug the woman, you were not part of any of his plans to try to have sex with an incapacitated female. You merely saw this unfolding in your store. Al you can do is pray for the woman, that maybe she will remember something and retrace her steps and maybe end up at your store where you'd recognize her and can help testify if it comes to that although its unlikely. Just fill your mind with you in the starring role doing things the right way. No , it didn't happen but it relieves your mind of feeling the heavy load of what if's and guilt. Inaction is not a crime.
What I will say is that next time, it's safer for you to not announce you are going to call the cops. What if he carried a knife or gun and thought you could share his description to police if indeed he did something wrong, that would cause him to want to eliminate you as in kill you so you can't talk. What gets me is that they both came back. He couldn't be in his right mind to even return to a place where he was told she couldn't clearly give consent to enter so he can't do that. That is your store rules and you did the right thing there. The woman could be a girlfriend who stays with him even if he is abusive and unless she is willing to leave him and report him, any help given to her most likely will only be a temporary fix and she will go back to him. I was abused verbally only but already, that was enough for me to see how a woman might put up with and not leave a terrible man. Eventually I did after 30 yrs of marriage and am happily remarried.
If you think it will help, find somewhere to volunteer help, maybe at a womans shelter, any work that needs to be done but they don't have paying positions for. That way you can be hekping others in contributing your effort to making their shelter a clean place to be staying at.
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Hindsight is always 20/20. We've all done things we regret, either through action or inaction. You did what you could when they came back. Beating yourself up anymore isn't gonna change anything. Except be detrimental to your health. You don't know that the woman wasn't a druggie or prostitute and calling them cops on them earlier might have ended up with her in jail. Maybe better than rape yeah, but again, she might have been a prostitute. I don't think a rapist would drug a girl, then rape her in a semi public place that has cameras of the people coming and going. I would think a rapist would go somewhere where nobody sees or knows anything about those 2 people being seen together. So, you don't really know. You can only speculate. When we can only speculate, we believe our speculations and act as if they were true, (which is why you feel the way you feel, because you believe your speculations.) Which you can't really know for sure, can you? For all you know, she's fine and getting high again and you're the one that's worse off right now. You just can't know for sure. You're beating yourself up over something you can't be sure about and might not be true at all.
I once held a deep regret. It consumed me and my health deteriorated, my heart in particular. It went on for a long time and it was harming me physically and psychologically. I broke up with a girl because she her family had a genetic defect and I didn't want to pass it to our kids if we were to have any. But I told her it was because she kept comparing me to other guys and kept saying "why can't you be more like them?" basically. She said she would wait for me if I had a change of heart. I felt really selfish and beat myself up for months. Years later on I found out that not even a month had passed after the break up when she was already seeing someone else. So, I believed my speculation that I was a real piece of crap and I really hurt her and she was gonna hurt for a long time. But it wasn't true. So basically, I tormented myself for months, for nothing.
What ultimately lifted my regret was forgiving myself. I got dragged to a seminar where they did a meditation about forgiveness. I was highly skeptical but I played along and followed the instructions because I had been carrying this huge weight for so long and I did indeed forgive myself there and the change was instantaneous. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off me, so much so that I literally felt lighter. You can probably find guided meditations about forgiveness on youtube.
You can't know what happened after they left, or if she was a druggie/prostitute. You did what you could at the time. There's nothing you can do about the past. You're not perfect, sometimes we don't make the best decisions in that moment, you're only human. So, I suggest you think about that you can't really know what happened after they left. Speculating the worst and beating yourself up for it is not doing anyone any good. You have to forgive yourself. Find a good guided meditation on youtube and really forgive yourself. You seem like a kind person and don't deserve to be tormenting yourself like this.
I highly recommend the book "the 4 agreements" (available in audio, maybe even on youtube) Its basically agreements to make with yourself to live a happier life. One of these agreements is "don't assume". Which is what you are doing, making assumptions, believing those assumptions as if they were true and acting as if they really were true, when in reality, you just can't know.
Maybe the cameras caught the guy and the woman. Maybe even the car and the license plate.
Hope this helps
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