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Feeling at fault
I keep feeling like I am at fault for my ex who is now a friend of mine going to prison soon. He has a 2 year sentence, because of doing something stupid. But I feel like it's my fault like everytime we fought, he went and drank or did something that he wasn't supposed to because of him being on probation. So now I feel like it's my fault, because he's in jail right now and I don't know when I will be able to see him ever again. I feel like all I can do is write him letters and let him know how sorry I am. But I did not put the bottle in his hand or anything else for that matter. I just don't know if it really is my fault, because all I did was support him and try to keep him out of trouble the best to my abilities. Thank you for your input.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
What I will share to help you is something that applies to all relationships, whether family, friends, dating or marriage mate, not everyone is perfect for you nor are you perfect for everyone alive today. People are attracted to those they share a common ground with and feel secure and trust the other and feel cared for, maybe even loved. In a family though that we are born into, while this happens, you can't choose family but when an adult, you can finally chose to distance yourself from them. People who fight all the time, not just a disagreement once in a while, tend to not be the best choice for each other. SO there are two problems in your case. Most likely due to whatever circumstances, immaturity, stubbornness, etc... the two of you are trying to be friends when it may be best to let it go, and no longer associate with each other. Eventually your friend/ex will get out and you will have the opportunity to get together again, as friends. I don't know what drove you apart in the first place but I'll bet that something crucial was missing. If an ex as in dating or married, a couple needs a solid foundation for a partnership to work. This foundation is made of two parts, one being each others sexual equal and one being each others best friend. The greater majority of people dating or married are with someone they only have one of those things with. I have an ex like that and though we can be civil and don't hate each other at family events like birthday parties for grandkids, etc. the same reasons that I left him for are still there so I wouldn't even want to associate with him and act like a friend. I am remarried anyways and have plenty of other friends and my husband to hang with.
The other problem is about owning one own feelings, decisions, thoughts, etc. Do you get mad, angry and lash out at people if they are rude to you or say something to you in anger or just being short with you? I still experience things like that all the time with people I come across who are not family or friends. And occasionally even a friend or family member say something just not quite right or nice. I don't react in anger or hurt or disappointment or any other negative feeling or action because I have a choice to react or not. Yes, we all do. So your ex/friend had a choice to not let it get to him. He could have thought, gee this happened while married, and it s till happens now. Maybe we are not meant to associate together in any way or form because we upset each other. And then based on that thought, told you this was it, he can't be even friends any more. Then he could have gone home and done whatever else he likes to do and felt a relief, like a load off his back, smiled and have gone on with his life. But no, he chose to drink when he knows better being on probation. He can yell at you that its your fault but we are only responsible for our own actions so it is best and wise to choose positive actions for ourselves. Thew reason I finally divorced is because the ex was a very negative person, verbally abusive and i finally had enough of that. It is a scary thing to choose change for yourself, even if it is for the better and thats why it took me a long time. I hope that you will see you are not at fault. And if you don't believe what I am saying, go talk to any psychologist and they will tell you the trouble he got into was done entirely on his own and it is not your fault.
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