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Cousin drama
Hey everyone I just need some feed back and advice. My cousin and I are really close she’s younger then me 21 and I’m 27. She was hooking up with a guy who was hooking up with her and other people being shady. She found out was hurt but continued seeing this guy behind my back and behind other friends back. This guy then gets a beautiful girlfriend who I see out at the bar many times. I do not like this guy for the way he treats woman and for the way he treats my cousin. Him and this girl date and the whole time he is with the girlfriend he is hooking up with my cousin. As far as I know now my cousin is not Hooking up with this guy and I saw the girlfriend out Friday night. I was super drunk and could not be fake to her I said hi asked her if she was still dating the guy she said no and I said thank god he sucks he was hooking up with my cousin while you guys were dating. This then got back to my cousin and now she is not talking to me. I apologized it wasn’t my place or my relationship. I was called fake I didn’t defend my family. I’m not sure where to go from here. I’m upset for hurting someone I love. Help advice ? Will this blow over. What should I do i know I’m in the wrong and I feel guilty as heck. Telling her did not make me feel any better it made me feel worse. Thanks guys
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Dear Devoted Cousin,
It's not always easy to keep quiet especially when you know someone is hurting a person you love and care for. Unfortunately in this situation it makes your cousin seem like she was the bad person because she was hooking up with someone who was already with someone else. I think if anything you write a letter explaining your actions and knowing that you did not mean to expose your cousin or make her feel less of a person but just wanted people to know this guy couldn't be trusted. Granted even if you went about it the wrong way telling her that you did not mean to hurt her even with a letter you are starting to make amends. If she has a big heart she will forgive you. Hopefully she as well learns from this that she should never put herself in that position and reiterate to her that she is better than that. Be her biggest advocate.
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Unless the woman who used to date the douche bag knows you very well and thus knows your cousin or is friends with your cousin, there is no way for her to know who your cousin is. I would suspect this is the main reason your cousin is so upset, the embarrassment of this woman who datee him knowing she also did. Unless this is a very small town, I don't understand how the story of what you said got back to her. I suppose you mentioned you were drunk at the time and not able to make a good judgement. If you wanted to say anything at all, all you had to mention is that you know a person who was dating him at the same time she was and all that would confirm for that other woman is that she did the right thing in leaving him. That is what is important after all, not a list of all the women he duped. I had a lesson to learn with men, not quite the same thing as your sis but once I learned to avoid such men, a few came into my life initially, long enough, a couple dates, for me to tell they were trouble and I stopped seeing them. It was for me to know that I had really learned my lesson and it wasn't a fluke that I left the first one, it was truly confidence I gained, knowing I could spot and stay away from bad guys, no matter how hot looking, how wealthy, etc if they were rotten inside. By your story, I would guess there wasn't anything your cousin learned on how to avoid these kinds of guys. So when future douch bags come across her path and show interest, she will fall for them all over again. I just want you to know to expect this until she learns to love herself enough to not subject herself to partnering up with someone like that who doesn't love and respect her. Right now I assume she is confusing lust with love.
YOu also can't tell her you wrote for advice even though there are no real names exchanged and I don't know who you or her are. But she is still a bit young and so afraid of her image rather than learning whatever lesson she has to learn. What you can do is ahare anything I wrote and just say you read it on the internet or a magazine article.
Scientists have proved that the frontal lobe of brain, responsible for things like good judgement calls for example, is not fully done growing until the mid twenties, so it may be a few years before she wises up yet. Just be patient, be there for her to console her and don't offer advice to her unless she asks for it. Most never ask but some are open to it if you ask permission to share first. So you'd say, Hey cous, I may have a bit of insight on how to handle that situation, would you like me to share? If she says no, I know...it practically kills you to know they are going to be hurt again. I have three adult daughters and in most situations, they have answered no, so I can not say anything. You already know what is borderline iffy to do and best avoided but you were drunk, which affects this part of your brain responsible for good judgements. When we can't help t improve the life of someone else, its best to remember the only person we really have control over changing is ourselves. Again, I know how frustrating it is, but at least you are focusing on something good. I have a feeling as you grow in years and experience, you will be a terrific advice giver or life coach. But for that to happen, its best to focus on what you can improve in yourself, no matter how great you already are right now. There is always room to learn more.
Along those lines, if you use Facebook, I am watching videos from a page done by Jay Shetty. His page is about sharing wisdom in all areas of life and teaches the lesson while you watch a short video of the situation acted out. Even though I know half of what he shares, i am still learning more, not necessarily to tweak my own life as I am doing the things he has shared, but to understand how to explain them better to others in a way that makes sense. I encourage you to look him up and from there, you may find links to other pags full of wisdom. Blessings to you.
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