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What do i do when i feel like my besst friend I are drifting apart?
So my best friend and I've been friends for 5 years and in those 5 years of friendship i never felt like we are drifting apart till now. There is my another friend, because whom i feel like we're drifting apart. She would compliment my best friend alot and talk to her alot and leave me out. She would agree to everything my best friend says and would talk about the time when they hung out without me. She has her best friends or that's what she says,but when we all are together, she would come and stay with us and talk to my best friend alot. She would talk about the secrets they have often too and when me and my best friend talk or laugh about something she would ask us again and again why are we laughing which annoys me and when I would ask them the same question she would reply "Oh you won't get it. It's our inside joke". I would just smile at the time but i feel really hurt at times like that. My best friend is not like ignoring me. She still talks to me about everything and stay with me or go out with me whenever I want to but i feel like my other friend is trying to be with us and honestly i wouldn't mind it. I'm not possessive about my best friend but the thing is she talks to my best friend and talks about the things about the topics she knows I'm not interested in. I want to ask what can i do to strengthen my and my best friend's friendship, Is my other friend really trying to become my best friend's best friend or is it just me. I know some people will say things like make a new best friend but i don't want to leave my current best friend. And i also cant just talk to my other friend about this because I don't want to ruin our friendship just because i think like that.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I will assign names so it doesn't seem confusing. Sara will be your best friend for 5 years and Tina will be the one who is trying to horn in and become Sara's closest friend instead of you.
I am going to guess that either the way Tina is acting is something she is dealing with inside of her, a weak trait or acting out due to what she observes in other people she sees often, whether other classmates in cliques or her own family.
The question remains as to why she has singled out Sara, rather than you to try to become the best friend of. There is definitely something wrong if she is trying so hard to win over Sara and frustrate you enough so you'll walk away from Sara.
I can say one thing, just a guess, but it would seem she is jealous of what you and Sara have. She wants the same thing. I don't see why there can't be a three or four member group of girls who are all the closest of friends, all best friends together. It is not only two people max as you may think. I can think of a three way best friend group right off a TV series, H20 a show about 3 close best friends who accidentally become mermaids. Chloe, Rikki and Emma. Okay so that is fiction but there are trios of men and women that are best of friends and this is most visible a nd known in the industry, like Peter Paul and Mary, 3 close friends who became a musical hit.
I will also say I don't believe you are imagining or blowing things out of proportion. Females have intuition and yours is telling you something isn't quite right.
So lets go through the list of things you've had to say about Tina.
Complimenting your friend and talking to her alot. Unless Sara tells you that Tina complements her alot at times you were not around, my guess is Tina is doing this especially as a production in front of you. I am guessing that when she sees you and Sara together, she'll walk up and look at Sara, not acknowledge you are there, compliment Sara and hold a conversation with her as if you were not even there. She is acting like a teen or younger so if she is a teen, that can explain some of it. If this behavior is coming from an adult, then she has serious issues and has not outgrown them or learned and was probably the same kind of mess for a human in the past as she is now.
She agrees with Sara in conversation. I wonder if you mean that she goes as far as disagreeing with you or simply ignoring any remarks you make.
When you and Sara are laughing and she has to ask about it, well, it is natural if people seem to be having a good time and laughing hilariously, to want to know what you have missed so you can laugh too. This is something people will do if they feel they missed out on something or feel on the outside, looking in and wishing they could be part of it all.
However, when you ask her why the two of them are laughing, and she says Oh you won't get it. It's our inside joke, that can't be an inside joke every single time. Maybe once or twice. She is not considering how you will feel, at least that is what it may seem like but saying what she does is meant to make you feel left out, which is exactly how she still feels, no matter how much time she gets alone with Sara. I understand smiling and thats the right thing to do, not let her see that the barb she meant to hurt you, did not, even if thats how it felt. As you say next, you wouldn't mind if she wants to be part of a trio with the both of you and that would mean treating both of you equally, which she isn't doing. Maybe she sees you as the stronger person and not as easy a pushover so thats why she didn't bother to single you out as her new best friend and ignore Sara instead, treating her like she treats you.
My guess is she believe a person can only have one best friend or as I also call it, close friend. Sara is not ignoring you and treats you the same as ever. But I have to wonder if she has noticed what Tina is doing.
Then there is the fact Tina had to point out she has her own best friends. If that were true, her other best friends would have a problem understanding why she is so busy trying to gain another best friend when she already has them. If she is spending most her time alone with Sara or when you are there, messing with you, then she has no time for these so called friends which frankly i don't believe exist. Usually if someone has to tell you that they have other friends, they usually don't.
It might be that you and Sara need to have a private talk without Tina around. If Tina wasn't really the enemy and troublemaker here, what else could she be? Some one who has no idea of proper ways to socialize or make friends, a friendless who feels like an outsider, to put it simply a lost dog that has come to you for help but no's no more than to distrust and bite you when you try to help. You and Sara need to think of Tina as a lost dog and both share with each other what you have seen heard and witnessed, not for the sake of uniting against her, not yet because she may truly need help. If she continuously rejects help and continues to try to divide and conquer, then the both of you will have another talk of making a united front and both Sara and you telling her that neither of you want her to attempt hanging out around you anymore. Yes, Sara would have to do this.
People don't usually put so much effort and energy into breaking up a couple of friends so I can only imagine something else is up with her in her personal life and that is what Sara and you need to try to find out. You might have to agree on what questions Sara should ask if Tina evades you too much. Kids with parents who moved too often and were always in new schools and neighborhoods are some that have no friends and never learned social skills or how to socialize and make friends. It might be a good thing to try to hide out but actually be spying on Tina to see what she is doing when not with Sara or both of you. Does she actually have other friends? How is she doing as a student and do either of you know what her grades are because grades are affected by emotional stuff and not every teen comes from a good stable loving home. The twins my daughter wanted to go see after school has a Mom who was a drug addict and her drug addict friends sleeping it off at late afternoon all over the living room floor. I made sure to go meet the parents of any home my kids wanted to visit. So of course she wasn't allowed to go there but the twins were allowed to come to our house. They. were not a problem and quite pleasant for the situation they lived with. I had a friend in 9th grade whose Dad ask him to drop of out school because his Mom had died and he had to take her place running the house and helping look after his siblings. That guy had no freedom to make and keep friends. She could have abusive parents or who know who living under the same roof who fight or are abusive. She has to have observed some of the language and techniques somewhere. If it was from peers, you'd have seen her hanging out with bad people by now. Maybe an alcoholic parent who threatens and everyone, maybe just verbal abuse, maybe her parents are so busy they ignore her all the time, wishing they'd never had kids. That has to hurt, not being wanted, so a kid would have to act up and cause trouble to get noticed. Kind of what she is doing.
So I actually recommend that you do talk to your best friend whom I am calling Sara. If you can keep your heart right, knowing you won't try to keep Sara all for yourself, and that you dont mind if Tina wants to be part of you both and accepted as long as she would act friendly to both. Tell Sara about what I just brought up. Don't let the problems be the first thing you share. Let Sara know that you want to see what is truly going on in Saras life as she may be hurting, in a bad home life, or moved so often she never had a chance to make and keep a friend. Let her know that its possible Tina feels like an outsider. But if its not due to her circumstances, then it may be just her thoughts and mental health issues. Ask if Sara has noticed how Tina attempts to do all the things you told me. If you can't get Sara to agree there is something fishy going on, then see if she's willing to read this. It is not embarrassing that you asked for advice, that is actually a very smart thing to do, especially when facing a situation you haven't before and have no way to know how to deal with it or look at it from a different angle. It would be ideal if Tina realized both of you want her to be a part of you as a trio as long as she stops fighting to have one friend only and accepts and likes both of you. Sure you will all have things you don't have in common but all friendships do. Focus on the things you do have in common. I'd like to hear back how this is going in the future is you remember.
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