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Irrational and tyrannical insoler parents-in-law and sister-in-law
My marriage is now 6months old.My husband's parents and sister were pretty nice to me but I noticed that these people are completely insolent and irrational when it comes to handling any situation that they are not comfortable to talk about.On the other hand,my parents were and are so rational and considerating.There is no such thing in this world which I can't share with my parents.Its the complete opposite case in my husband's family.He and his sister do stuff which they know their parents would have not approved of and then they blatantly lie on their faces.Which,honestly,I can't.But my parents-in-law,specially my MIL is very pretentious of a person.She asked me to be totally free and frank with her,as she claimed her children are befriends only with her and not with my FIL.Whenever any crisis happens or any situation takes place in her son's life(be it related with me or not)she goes straight away accusing me of it and start rebuking and insulting me and not her son.So when I tried making her understand frankly and rationally about the incidents,she silenced me with a sentence that I don't know how to talk to my elders and thus I shouldn't talk to her unless and until I learn it.Whereas her daughter has repeatedly insulted me and said on my face that I am not fit to be her brother's wife and to get lost, just immediately before my wedding.Even then my MIL tried to coerce me into talking to her and mend things up with her as she refused to take part in the wedding so according to my MIL it is my responsibility to mend everything alright by talking to my SIL.My husband also forced me into taking the initiative to talk to my SIL.So I texted her and that backfired on me.I sent her the text in a good faith that we would find the common ground and turn into friends again as the situation was taking toll on her brother's mental as well as physical health.What she did was she provoked her mom by saying that I went overboard and her mom directly called my momand started shooting.But then my SIL realize and said sorry.But after my marriage the whole family started comparing me with my MIL.Its like they want to start a nasty competregion between her and me.My MIL started playing mindgames with me.She acts cool in front of my husband in terms of observing tradition and customs and asks me to be loosen up too but rebukes me for loosening up in observing those customs in front of my FIL.She misleads me and then rebukes me in front of my FIL to make her look clean and protray me as arrogant.So when I finally had spoken up about all these misdeeds they did to me,they blocked my husband n me from everywhere.My SIL texted her brother saying she was boycotting me from her life as I am rude,arrogant,and mental patient.I literally cried to my MIL to talk to their son,as he was the one suffering the most and how can a parent block and disown their own son as he is married to a person they don't like!So they talk to him now but the whole family shunned their connection with me.I also recently got to know that before our wedding my SIL and my hubby were discussing about that pre-marital insulting incident my SIL caused me,and she texted him that their father can smash my mother in no times,but they are not doing this because of my husband's sake.She also told him to teach me etiquette as I lack them and my mom couldn't teach me etiquette.Now I don't talk to them but I am hurting to the core of my heart and unable to forget what did they say n do with me.I am depressed and agree. I don't know what to do!.
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You said you knew this all before the wedding, how his family acted. That was your warning sign to not marry so hastily and see if things could be worked out. They sound like high society snobs which means they are all about show and totally empty inside, void of all the things it takes to be a good person like approachable, forgiving, down to earth, sharing, caring, slow to anger and quick to complement, praising others, supporting and building others up, and believing in unconditional love. There may be lots more but this is what comes to mind and it sounds like none of them qualify for any of it. With parents like that, I wonder how much rubbed off on your husband. It could be he thought he was strong enough to branch off, away from them and be his own person. If he and sis didn't like some rules the parents set because they were unreasonable and petty, and there is no changing their mind, I see no problem in keeping this from the parents and yes, the lieing when it comes down to it. People like his parents are so set in their ways that they may never change up to the day they die. That is a long time to put up with them.
If they have written you out of their life, I would think this a good thing for you, less mental anguish. However it still comes down to your husband. The right thing would have been for your husband to tell his parents to apologize to you the moment they first said anything nasty to you which I suspect was already before marriage. If they did it a second time, he would tell them this was their last chance and if they repeated treating you without respect, then they would not see him either as he would cut them off. As it was, they cut him off the family. So if he had the backbone to do it the ideal way, both of you would be happily living on your own and whatever the parents are thinking wouldb't even be on your mind. When I say cut off, I don't mean forever. Dont bar a person forever just because of a past offense if they have really changed. Who knows what it make take, nearing their death bed? But some people after years of keeping their loved ones shut out of their lives, may have regrets and a change of heart and want to ask forgiveness. So it this ever happens, I hope you would forgive and accept and love them as if there wasn't a nasty past with them. That would be the Godly thing to do. I am getting the feeling from how you wrote that this is eating up your husband. He may love you but as far as I can tell, he did not demand respect for you. Respect should be given to all. But he or you and anyone in the world can't demand someone love them. Respect would be treating others civilly, friendly, like acquaintenes but not close friends or family. It's okay if they want to not accept you as daughter in law, but in that process, they still owe you the respect shown to anyone, as if you were the governor of the state at a party of theirs.
It sounds like the two of you going to counseling would be the best move for both of you. You both may have your own issues regarding his parents and siblings. But either way, it is emotional stuff that can and will affect your lives, even if neither of you ever see or speak to his family ever again. Do not allow the load of crap they dummped on you both, affect you the rest of your life or they will have won in destroying you.
Seriously, I believe counseling will help you both to know what to do regarding them in the future S#&T they dumped on you both. Once you get your minds in a place where although you wish things were different and they were pleasant and loving and supportive, you will be able to function without the guilt, the anger, the anguish. You can't ever forget it but the emotions tied to it can be dealt with.
As for MIL saing you don't know how to talk to your elders, that is a way of saying you don't know how to respect her. But in psychology, you learn a person will think they see in others the very thing that they battle with. So this is really about her not knowing how to respect others, not about how you lac respect for her as your elder. Being older doesn't mean you automatically know everything or do everything right. And she is the one messed up. I suspect she is using that phrase as a way to force you to her ways, a way to control you. If she finds that saying this phrase gets you to apologize and grovel at her feet and say you will do anything she wants and says, because you know she is smart and knows all the right things, then its boosts he low self esteem and makes her happy that you didnt find her unreasonable, that you were actually weak and saying those words are the way to get you to do her will. I doubt you ever did, tried to be respectful. However someone like her, if a person gives up and does as they wish just once, they will think they can get the same everytime so when you don't comply with their will next time, they throw a royal fit, and start making threats, which is the next line of defense in their arsenal. Such people are unhealthy to be around. My ex wasn't exactly like that but he did try to get his way, not mine, and was verbally abusive every day, never satisfied, even when I wrote down specific instructions he gave, showed it to him, he approved and I said I would follow it to the letter. When I finished the project and had him check, he called me all sorts of names and how stupid could I be to do it that way. I showed him the note and how I had followed every order which was his ideas only. So it wasn't my ideas as I had done exactly as he specified. I told him he was upset with himself and his own ideas. And from that day, stopped trying to please him, ignored him, spaced out and went to another part of my mind when he did try chewing me out, and somehow survived long enough til I got the guts to leave him. The stress of what I went through affected me physically, with many stress related illnesses and sickness. Stress has to go somewhere, either the mind/emotionally or physically and will build up over time. This is just 6 mos to a year considering time before the wedding. Imagine 5 years of this, ten, a life time! I couldn't and that is what helped me leave. I still treat him civilly and don't hate him, I jsut feel sorry for him that he is still stuck in a rut and has found and lost 3 girlfriends since me. Eventually they all see that the only way to go about it, is to leave him. So as bad as it feels right now, the health for both of you will ultimately be better without contact with them. But I still feel the emotional health will need some help from a professional. The damage already done to you both emotionally can't be ignored and expected to go away. I wish you both the best.
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