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Being honest, and giving jokes
A friend and I have been arguing for the past couple of days now. The first time this started happening over me to funny, like I’m make jokes about real dumb stuff and honest even I would make jokes about me calling myself stuff. Usually he will laugh to it. I always tell people when you get in a relationship/friendship with me I’m going to be honest. Even sometimes I would trying to tine it down how I talk to him even other people. But i does slip out from time to time. So I last argument started because i said we have “big dick energy” and I said sometimes you ack like you have “little dick energy” Thinking about now I can see how it could offend him. I told him if you have an issue come up from it tell me, I always appreciate honesty. Don’t just bottle everything up, sometimes is like that with people yes I can see that how people cope. Just be a front about it, i really do appreciate it. When he does it I try not to force it out, so I leave it alone. He also said that If he walks a way I’m going to force him to talk to me. Honestly in our friendship I feel left out when my other friend is with them hanging out and stuff. I don’t usually get mad sometimes I be like how can you guys go out and leave me like that but I normally just joke about it. I’m not serious about it. Even if it’s a phone call or text I’m always trying to talk because no one want to make the effort to talk so I do it. Which my friend likes to state “ I don’t talk unless I’m talked to”. I don’t say anything. I’m being called self centered because I’m too honest. That I don’t know him, well maybe that true maybe if he had try to actually talk to me, maybe I would know you. But I feel like I’m the only one putting effort. If he’s busy I understand, ttyl type of stuff. But if you have an issue about it, like be my friend and say “hey, I don’t like the way your being honest with me and sometimes it hurts my feelings.” Or like “can you tone it down sometimes”. Honestly why would I not try instead I’m being called self center and I don’t know how to talk to ppl. It’s not people say that it’s you, when you don’t want to be serious with me. If actually took the chance to actually sit her and try to know me, I’m actually really good to people and maybe this time with you, it might not be on my side. I have help many people in my life from the ground up and their doing better everyday, But maybe. I had told him if it’s something that’s hurting you and feel like you can’t deal with it. Tell me I don’t want to cause you pain. Maybe it best for you for me to leave out your life. He said that he doesn’t care. Like if say that now Maybe even you didn’t care before all of this. Maybe I’m the bad guy guy here.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
YOu have two subjects so I will start with 'being honest' and to me, that means just like a dictionary would say it, its about being truthful. There is a catch though, you can be as honest as you want about yourself, but you are better off not being truthful about other people. Well, there is a way to do that, but you can't just blurt it out. Hey, don't worry, no condemning here cus I learned all of the same the hard way by doing it wrong first. If you can learn the next thing I mention and do it right away, it will serve you well throughout your entire life. No one likes to have someone tell them what they see wrong with them. In the case of low on energy, you may have felt that wasn't something wrong with them, just an observance on your part and trying to soften the reaction, you used humor. I understand, but it still doesn't help to do it that way.
The trick is to ask a person, hey, I was just observing something in you, and I may be wrong but it is okay to share it? Alway, always ask for permission. This is imperitive to learn now and perfect it because when a parent has children who are now adults, they may still not be making the best decisions, so instead of just correcting them as when they were younger, a parent has to ask for permission, as in 'would you like me to share something that might help you with scheduling things timewise? Sometimes the person says Yes, or sure, go ahead. And when they do, if they don't like what you said, it isn't as bad because they were given a choice to hear it or not and had agreed, so even if they don't like it, rarely is the person upset with you. If they answer no to your asking permission, then you have to bite your tongue and say nothing and I am older with adult kids so thats why I have used this as an example. I only want to save my kids the heartache of learning by experiences that are bad. So yes, my heart might be in the right place with what I want to do. But it just kills me inside when I am expecting my child will say yes but they say no, I
know what I am doing. While inside my thoughts are screaming, 'No you don't!" but I can't say that.
If having to correct someone or point out a flaw in their thinking, even if you have asked for permission to share, it is much easier received if the person spoken to doesn't feel like they are the only one doing something wrong so I always use myself as an example by sharing how I used to do the same thing wrong and its actually something lots of people don't understand right, so don't think you're the only one. When I say that,it sets the person at ease. Half the time, I can relate and I had the same issue at some point in time. As when I started, I told you " no condemning here cus I learned all of the same the hard way by doing it wrong first. " In this case I was telling the truth about me. If It isn't true for me, I will still say it was true for me because I am saying so for a higher purpose, to make the other person feel more comfortable. Another thing you can do is compliment them first before doing all the stuff I just told you about.
I will share an example, I was visiting my sister and went to her church with her. The pastor considered her a good friend and was comfortable opening up to her. So here I was when after a class, he stated he was worried about his daughter. "Oh no, whats up?" asked my sis. "Well, she is dating a guy from the middle east, its getting serious and he is not a Christian. I don't want to see her unequally yoked, I want her to marry a Christian man so they have the same beliefs." If you are not religious, You won't have heard about the 'unequally yoked part' where oxen were the original example used. So I spoke up and told a truth about me first, "Okay I understand and I have something to share from my life that will tie in with this. I married a Christian man when I was twenty. I was married to him for 30 years and all 30 of those years, he treated me like crap, and verbally abused me, and yet he had a position in our church, was a bible study leader and younger couples were seeing only the side her showed at church and said to me, we want to have a marriage just like you someday. And I thought, oh if they only knew what was really going on. He refused to go for counseling and said I was always the problem. He was a Christian and treated me terribly." My sis picked up on this and asked him, "Do you wish for your daughter to marry a man who treats her really great? " "Well, of course." I then said, "And keep in mind that there is no guarantee on a mans religious beliefs as to how he will treat his wife because in my case, it didn't help that he was a church goer and supposed follower of the faith. How does he treat your daughter?" "He treats her very well." My sis then says, is that more important to you then that she is treated well, even if he's of a different faith or could you really be okay if she was unhappy and treated badly but at least he proclaimed to be a Christian?" Without missing a beat, this Pastor said, " I get it now. Her happiness and welfare is most important to me and this man does treat her well, so I will choose to be happy for her."
Just think, the man was a pastor, a leader of the congregation, and if we had handled it as if he was making a terrible error when he should be one who knows more than us, he would have felt very embarrassed and likely emotionally shut down and not listened to what we had to share.
Now on to joking. I never remember full jokes to tell them but I do love to laugh and make others laugh so I am glad to hear you enjoy the same. However, when I tried hard to be funny or joke, it always fell flat. I started around age 20 or so with this 'trying'. I found that when I wasn't trying to be funny, just sharing things that don't make sense, I was funnier than heck to people and it was never something said about them. They might be able to relate but a good comedian when telling a joke about people in general will have everyone laughing not only because it was funny but because they can relate, that they have also done the same nonsensical things at some point. I found I was funniest when I didn't make it about another person but a phrase, or an object. Here's an example. I wasn't trying to be funny. But hubby and I were shopping for pillows. I am aware of tactics to sell a product and often you see food items with the words, "New and improved" on them. However the wrap around the pillow I'd picked up said new and improved. So I spoke to my husband, "It says new and improved on this pillow. Well heck, all these pillows are new, they aren't second hand for heavens sake. And what about them saying it is improved. How could they possibly really improve a pillow, put more stuffing in it? Like my head is going to say tonight, yes, I can tell, this pillow IS improved, its more cushy." All of a sudden I heard fits of laughter behind me, and as I turned around there were a couple women in the aisle looking right at me. I guess they overheard and thought it was funny.
Now about wanting others to be open and honest with you and share anything, even if its something you said, did, that bothered them. In a perfect world, that would be ideal. But you have to bring it down to wanting it just in your sphere of influence, those closest to you, like friends and most important in a relationship, whether dating or the one you're married to. Wanting is a great thing but for a relationship, you want to really know the person well, how open are they, are they more quiet and a person of few words? I am talkative and could not stand to be married to a man who is too quiet and met such a one from a dating site I was on. I was divorced and looking for someone who might possibly become my 2nd husband. We were to meet at a coffee shop. When I walked in, the one guy who got his coffee turned and exited the store. There was a couple seated and one other guy ordering so I walked up and asked, are you Ralph? He nodded. Did you pick a seat yet, He shook his head No. So I waited, placed my order and followed him to the seating. Is this spot okay I asked, He nodded. So far he hadn't spoken a word. This didn't bode well. So I tried asking questions that could not be answered with a yes or no, Like 'so what do you like to do for a hobby? guess what, he didn't speak, just shrugged his shoulders. I gave up and just talked, telling stories and once I I'd finished my coffee, thanked him for meeting with me and left and never talked to him again. Yes, okay that's an extreme but it is frustrating if one person takes offense easily but then clams act, acts moody and won't let you know whats bugging them. Everyone has a point when the cares of the world weigh a bit too heavy and if its a perfect friend for you, they will be someone with much the same personality, open and sharing or quiet and private, depending on which you are. If two people are opposites, then that created tension that can lead to fights and arguing. Basically, most of it is about different personality types. It isn't bad to be more private but some can go overboard, Just as there's nothing wrong with being chatty, as long as one monitors if the person they are with are okay and just as out going or seem to be disturbed and withdrawing about it. One of the guys came into the shop at the end of day after carpet cleaning, the manager and I was chatty people so I continued babbling on and asking him questions about his day.He was okay answering one or two but after that, he looked at me and said, Geez, can you talk a little less, its driving me nuts. I took no offense realizing there are different personality types. I actually said, "Hey Tim, next time I am talking to much, and its not work related, you have my permission to just say, "Tina, shut up!" It just may be that the friend you are talking about is quite different than you even if you have some things in common. But forcing him to be more open if he's a quite guy will eventually get to him and cause him to be angry or at least act short with you if frustrated. I don't know your friend so I can only guess. Then again, maybe he is alot like you but somewhere in his past, someone ridiculed him in public, maybe as a kid growing up and now he can't handle anything that doesn't sound like a compliment. He could be acting as he does as a way of defending himself, by reacting to any input about him that he doesn't like, whether true or not, and simply not talking about how he feels. Males generally don't do this and keep in bottled up, Its females who have no problem sharing how they feel and being open. As for being called self centered, that description does not fit. There is nothing in what you have shared about what you have said or done that sounds like a selfish person. If you talk only about yourself complimenting just yourself and how good or great your talents, then that would be called boastful, and I can't say that applie either. There is no need to label it anyways, jsut adjust how one talks to another, keep in mind they may have realy different personalities where they can't be as open and sharing when they are upset as you are and wish others were. It could simply be that you are trying to be friends with someone vastly different than you.
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