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I've seriously embarassed my friend a THIRD time...
There really isn't much to it. My best friend and I (both 20,) live in a small town, she's a waitress at one of our most popular resturants. I once made a joking comment about tipping her a bible quote, to her boss, the owner (very friendly guy, talks to everyone,) and when we left she told me I can't say things like that to her boss. Obviously. I'm akward around people but I don't have a good excuse for thinking that was okay.
The second time, we were at the lake with her mom, and her mom asked her if she'd been smoking cigarettes, and she said no. I was teasing and said "don't lie," and she later, obviously embarassed, told me "you can't say stufd like that to my mom, she doesn't need to know, she just doesn't, it would not be good." So there's strike two.
Well, two days ago, I really screwed up, and this time it was much worse. I've been having problems with my mental health, and I wasn't emotionally very stable, but I'm not using that as an excuse. She had told me about how her boss basically told her it was her own fault that the all-male kitchen staff sexually harass her on a daily basis, because she wears leggings, (and happens to have a nice butt.) These clothes are approved for all the waitresses. But they made her buy jeans. The only pair she could find didn't fit quite right, and they're a little baggy around her legs. Anyways, I was already upset about other things, but them basically victim-blaming my friend really bothered me, and I thought it would be a great idea to get back at them by writing a Google review about it, without any names or anything of course. Vaguely ratted them out to the public for letting their kitchen staff sexually harass their waitresses.
I only did it because I knew she had a new job lined up, and I thought it wouldn't matter because she'd be gone soon, way out of town, as she's moving. I told her, and she said "so this is why everyone was acting weird to me today!" And now she doesn't want to go to work. She was already getting unwanted attention, and I just went and put her in the spotlight. She's very clearly upset with me, and I feel absolutely awful, because I'm her friend and I hurt her. I don't even know how I'm supposed to apologize or make up for something this serious. I have told her that I'm sorry, and explained what I was thinking when I did it, and told her I don't have any excuses, because that sort of thing just isn't excusable, it's ignorance.
Should I just sit it out and give her space until she talks to me, or is there anything I can do to make things better? I feel a lot of guilt, and I know that it was petty and not appropriate. I don't know what I should do. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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These are all 3 very different situations. For number one, if the boss and I were prone to joking and teasing alot, and he tended to like small talk with me, then I would find nothing wrong with my saying something like that. Its a different story if she is very religious church goer and the others are not and tease her already for being religious, then making such a comment would sound like I was joining in with them to harass her on that subject.
Number two: there is info missing specifically whether she truly smokes and is keeping it secret from Mom. If she doesn't smoke and you say don't lie in front of a parent, it will put reasonable doubt in Moms mind that daughter is not telling the truth, even if you meant it as a tease. If you know she doesn't smoke, there isn't anything wrong with the teasing, even saying, 'Don't lie' as I would say things unexpected just to see the shock on a face, BUT and this is important, you don't hesitate to follow that instantly with, I was just teasing and turning to her MOm, that isn't true but it sure was fun to watch your faces react. I tease a lot and this is what I do and no one has ever been mad, instead they end up laughing with me as they imagine what the reaction on their faces looked like. If she does smoke and you were trying to pretend like she didn't by the tease, that was not a good move as again, it makes the MOm suspect her more and smoking will changes ones breath and odor can linger in clothes so Mom will find out eventually without help from anyone else.
Number three: OMG, your friend has a sexual harrassment case. Does she want the same happening to another girl in the future? She may be thinking that she will be gone working elsewhere soon, but that doesn't change the problem. Some where else in the future, she may get the unwanted attention and harassment again. I am 60 and remember a time when males grabbed my butt and once was grabbed in plain sight while walking with two friends on a busy street. It was some stranger who ran then. We were all stunned into inaction. And we were younger, late teens and early 20s. Of women I have talked to, it would seem that men who actually like harassing females sexually, in many cases will not pick on older females and they know these women will retaliate and call police. But the younger females don't do such things, they are too scared. So males know they can get away with it. I don't know if you encouraged her to report them all, but just seeing her not take action against them is not you trying to embarrass her when giving the place a bad review. I am glad you did. If any possible future employee read that and decided not to work there, then it will have done its job. I am not exaggerating as just a couple days ago, a person wrote wondering if they should cancel a scheduled interview with a company they researched only to find the company snarled up iu legal matters for abuse of employees. So they canceled it when I agreed that was the best way to go.
You say you were petty and not appropriate and I say, in all of this, your friend is much too sensitive, has a low self esteem because it is too obvious with her reactions of wondering and scared what other people will think. It is not so much your fault as you would think. i Know about self esteem because I used to struggle with that, fear of other peoples reactions and social anxiety as well. And she reminds me of how I was in the past. Your attempt to put humor in life everywhere with the teasing, is more like who I am now. I have a way of looking at things that when spelled out are very funny to other people. So I want to encourage you to never stop trying to be funny and joke because I usedd to be a bit awkward at first but as time goes by you get better and the world needs more laughter as its very healing. I will give you an example. Was working with hubby on a home project, and there was sawdust everywhere. We take the word for granted and just say it without thinking about it but this time, I gave it thought and realized it didn't make any sense. Why call it saw dust if the dust is not from the saw but from the wood. It should be called wood dust. But go just a little bigger to chips instead of dust. Do we say saw chips?? Nope, we call it wood chips. Now that is really twisted thinking. I shared that with many people and everyone who heard it, laughed. As for your friends boss saying it is her fault that all the guys sexually harass her, that is so typical of what men say in these cases. No, its their problem for not behaving better, with respect toward all women, no matter how they are dressed, even if they are dressed to look like they want to seduce like lets say a hooker. We live in an area where there are plenty of them and a side job for us is collecting grocery carts that the elderly walk to the bus stops or to the nearby apartments and ones taken by the homeless to use as trashcans. My husband is not interested in them sexually but he treats them the same as he would a businesswomen or rich woman. every once in a while, he is asked if he has a lighter. No Ma'm I don't as I don't smoke. But have a nice day. I am with him and see no matter even if its a women who let herself go and looks quite haggard, he's a cashier as well, and the haggard woman is going through his line and he will smile and greet her same as any woman much prettier, "And how are you today my Lady." He says that to all women, Ma0am and my Lady.
If she has stopped talking to you, you might have to text her but then, she might just erase without reading. You could try mailing a letter to her and apologize but also ask her if she doesn't think that maybe she might be one of those people who don't like teasing. Its part of who she is but teasings is part of your personality so its not going to change either. You will try to not tease her and you hope she doesn't think of it as you trying to embarrass her on purpose. As your friend, that isn't even on your mind and besides is not a thing a true friend would do, trying to embarrass on purpose simply cus you have a mean streak. How ever, you are truly worried about her being sexually harrassed. The reason they pick on her is because she is young and more prone to not report them to police and get into a court case. You know she would rather not do that but you also worried about any current and future female employees so you did the only thing you can do, write a bad review and spell out the problem. Police can not do anything if a person is not willing to file charges. She should be getting a lawyer, and do it pro bono if she can't afford to pay one.Ghe other wait staff may be witnesses and she doesn't have to worry about losing her job there because she can ask for a chumk of money to cover the emotional anquish of having experienced it. There are laws in favor of women vs sexual harassment in work places and the law takes this seriously, so seriously that men who were innocent still had to go through court. Let her know that the last was because of concern for her and as long as she is a younger woman who will keep quiet about it, this kind of problem could possibly come up again. Yes, I know there are older women who have been abused this way too by men but they are not self assured, quiet, in fear of losing their job and desperate for the income that they will put up with the un thinkable. But men aren't stupid even if criminal in their thoughts, so they avoid the older women.
I'll give an example of a stupid guy. I was sitting at a table with hubby and another couple at a venue that offered live band and dance floor. As couples we traded off partners often. I think this may have given one guy the impression we were 'eary'. I was next to the aisle leading to the dance floor so it was possible someone could accidentally bump against me, so I ignored the first touch across my bare shoulders. I should say I was in my early forties at this time. What the guy did upon returning to his table as he passed me was the same thing, dragging his finger along the length of my shoulders. Harmless, yes but unwanted touch, definitely. The next time he came by, I was watching and noticed he let his wife go first so she had no idea what he was doing all this time. I waiting until the third trip where he again touched me on way to dance floor and when done. I was watching and before he could touch me again, my hand shot out like a snake striking its victim, latched onto his wrist and wouldn't let him go. By now, his wife is still walking and quite far ahead. "I know what you are doing, Getting thrills without the wife knowing, right. So how would you like it if I went and told her right now what you are doing. If this happens one more time, I will." I them let go of him and he never repeated that stunt. I would not have done such a thing if I was20, even 25 or so. But it is important to stand up for yourself, and that is the message you need to get through to your friend. If she doesn't respond to you, just wait. I had family misunderstand a situation and 3 family members stop talking to me for almost a year. Yes, that's drastic and a long time but eventually they got over their anger and started talking to me again. I never brought it up to them about their silence. So if that happens, don't bring up her childish response of not talking to you and just pick up the relationship where you left off.
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