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Should I cut my grandma out of my life?
I’m gay and my grandma is very homophobic. I’ve been with my wife for five years so she’s had plenty of time to adjust. She’s always said random homophobic things but yesterday she took it too far. My wife was doing her makeup at my moms house and my grandma said “boys don’t wear makeup” I said “she’s not a boy she’s my wife” to which my grandma replied “women don’t have short hair” I so badly want to cut her out of my life and my mom is making excuses for her. I just will feel bad when she dies knowing I stopped talking to her. She sees nothing she did wrong and NEVER apologizes. Help!
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alright mmm .heyi m Rawand.
well what happened is sad iknow how it feels and y have right but why donty stop thinkingbout what everyone thinks . asisaid i know that y r getting hurt a lot by comments but ycant sht everyone on earth y can t do anything bout yrgrand ma . can yimagine that yr grandma died for exmp. and y didnttalk to her for5 y 10 idk bcz of such a thing u ll feel so sad belive me . the point is that s yr grand maa and from another sideyr partner . try to not listen to them tryto ignore them saying anything that bothers y but dont cut yr gndmaa out of yr life.nd i guess yr partner loves y nd should b understanding enough ndloving . if y need more tipes can help y ....
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The decision as to what you do will always be up to you but I have a few things to share that might help you decide. I won't be making excuses for grandma, just sharing some facts that might shed light on why she is this way.
You have heard the saying, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks". I don't know about dogs but I feel this pertains a lot to people. One fact is that when people grow older, they are less likely to change, make adjustments easily, stay stuck in what they know of the past. Since I am grandma age, I had parents who married in the fifties, and if your grandma was around, at any age, during the 5o's, 60's and early 70's, that is a time when women were told how to look and what to do and what their place was in life.
Take a look at this guideline for housewives from 1955. There may have been some improvements but not enough to make a difference in the time frame I mentioned. Girls still only had shoulder length or page boy length hair cuts, but no shorter. They didn't wear pants in some parts of the country until into the 70's. I remember a petition when I was in grade school saying girls should be able to wear pants especially during winter when it was colder, and that was in the 60's. Once you read the list I provided, you should understand it was a form of social pressure against women and if growing up during a time when women were supposed to reapply makeup all the time, have long hair and wear only dresses, and obey what men said, all that stuff was programmed into her brain at a time the brain was still growning and maturing and so it became part of the programming they lived with. Yes, there were always women who questioned what they were told and bucked the trends such as Katherine, a runner in the Boston marathon when women were not allowed. This was 1967 and heres a link although you may have seen it going around Facebook.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
By the way, the use of gay in the first article meant 'happy' back then but is not used as an alternative word for happy any longer.
Until you have been around enough older people to see what I am talking about, you may not understand how they tend to live and think in the past. For one thing, as we grow older, our short term memory of what we did yesterday or the name of someone we met last week just won't stick in our minds. I am starting to have those issues myself as well as any friends in my age range so I know its true. I have perfect recall of things I did as a child and the early years of raising my own kids. It started getting foggy a bit at the end of my forties and has increased since then. So new ideas, new situations, such as gays being accepted as well as any of the LGBTQ, is not something they will remember from the past and they still compare anything of today with a measuring tape of the past so of course they will not see it as being something right. I am not only accepting but see same sex couples as being a normal thing. Its been around in the animal world for eons. It just isn't understood that way by most but I came to understand it at a younger age. If I was supposed to accept it today, or years from now, I probably would have trouble being convinced.
So basically, I am saying that you are not going to be able to change your grandma. She is just not going to accept it. She will likely only see her error after she has passed over and is in heaven. Then it will be too late for her to tell you she is sorry. But she can still see you and watch and hear you if you talk to her then and she'll know you still loved her even if she was unbudging or call it a stick in the mud about how some things have changed and improved. If you can't get your head wrapped around it, then let me explain it one more way, using the word handicapped. Lets say you have a family member who is very handicapped mentally and it frustrates you that everyone pitches in to take care of this persons needs including the fact you are expected to but your expectations are that if the person can do certain simple, limited things, they should be able to change and learn often to get through high school or college, only that it might take more time and some tutoring. Your grandma can't help it now, she's set in her ways, and in a way I see it as being handicapped mentally. You just can't expect the kind of changes and acceptence in her as if she were in her 20s or 30s. I see problems like this for many from older eras. They can't adapt to change. They have never used a computer or a cell phone. I am 60 snd there were rotary phones where you spinned the dial, the more modern phones and eventually cell phones. Computers started coming out long after I graduated high school. But I was young enough to still learn to use them and cell phones and adapt.
If grandma lives with your mom, then you can hardly avoid her. If she lives on her own, then limit time of visiting her. I assume your Mom is accepting of your wife. At least you have your own parent supporting you.
I know it may be hard but look at this as a way to grow yourself, and no matter what she spouts, don't let what she says hurt you or get to you. Let her make her comments and do not react to them or respond in some way. It isn't your job to make her see reason and that times have changed.
I have experience with an unreasonable person, my ex. He was verbally abusive and always trying to bait me into an argument, so I learned to stop responding to any comments, not even to defend myself. Anything I said was only putting fuel on a fire. I can't say what grandma will say next time but if she says, 'boys don't wear makeup' and you and your wife say nothing, she cant start arguing or trying to 'correct you' by basing that assumption on what she knows from her past. She is still applying the recipe for what a male or female are gender wise, and sexual preferance wise, to the past. I know its ludicrous, totally crazy, like trying to work on a Ford car from 2015 using a repair manual from 1975 or later, it just won't work. Cars have changed over time, even becoming computerized. It won't be easy and I will admit that just hearing the kinds of things she says is stressful and can affect you if you are living under the same roof with her and hearing that crap day in day out. After 30 years with my ex, the stress had taken its effect on my body with many stress related illnesses, headaches, migraines, stomach ulcers, full body rashes. This happened the last ten years with him although the headaches and migraines were there from the start.
I fully believe if I hadn't left, I would be dead by now. If you can limit how much or often you see grandma and limit the time of visits, then do so for your health sake, not because you are upset at how she can't seem to accept your life choices. I don't know what your Mom is saying but I will guess deep down, she realizes this isn't something to dig in your heels about and try to make a stand. She is a product of outdated, very backward times. So if she's living in the past, she will never apologize because of course she assumes she is right. Its too late to change her mind. So don't let the fact she never apologizes, get to you. I had three family members, Mom Dad and one sister at separate times make a false assumption and get angry with me and quit talking to me, some for 6 months, and one up to nearly a year. I always kept the bridge open, I never burned it, making it impossible for them to ever get back in contact if they wished. My parents are gone but I had many good years after they cut me off for a while and not a one ever apologized. I wisely never brought it up. I did ask my sister a year ago if she remembered ever getting mad at me and stopping communications with me for months on end. She looked confused, "I don't remember that ever happening. Are you really serious and not making this up?" She didn't even remember. What hurt me at the time, is so insignificant to her? Yup, thats the way life goes sometimes. Grandma may actually hurt both your feelings, but she won't see it as big as a deal as you are feeling it.
So it's up to you and your wife to both read what I wrote and decide if you both will cut her off, or when she get's unruly with you two, to either cut the time short and leave her presence, or even try changing the subject. Ask her about her childhood, what did she do to earn money as a kid, does she remember childhood friends, did she have pets, get her talking of herself and hopefully that will help to get her mind off the two of you.
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Hello! Yikes, Im so sorry to hear about what you're going through with your grandma. I think you're completely justified in cutting your grandma out of your life - maybe not forever, but until she apologizes, and agrees to keep her homophobic and hate-filled comments to herself while you and your wife are around. She may never actually change her mind, but you can come to an understanding that if she wants you in her life, she will need to agree to respectfully
(silently) disagree. That way, if she does pass on, she'll know exactly why you're not speaking and it will be up to her to change things.
I also think you should deliver the same message to your mother, who is also spreading hate by defending your grandmothers words. Let her know she also owes you an apology, and if she wants to see you and your wife she'll need to do that and stop defending your grandmother.
If that sounds too extreme, consider giving them a timeline - like a year, or whatever you feel comfortable with, for them to "adjust". Let them know that if they cant reign it in by a year from now, at that point you will be cutting them out. Often the only leverage we have with family members is our presence in their life. It may take some time for one or both of them to come around, but thats ok. You are who you are, and you should not have to endure hate for one second whether its from a stranger or a family member.
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