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Guilty (?) crush.
I have a crush on my second cousin (my mom’s cousin). Now I’m not planning to act on it or anything; she’s around 16-20 years older than me so most definitely won’t return these feelings (not that I’m expecting her to), however we seem to get along quite well- she’s really nice, and doesn’t have an SO. Maybe that’s part of the reason why this attraction started? It’s only been happening since this year.
However, I only see her around 2-4 times a year, seeing as she lives in Ireland, making this crush more difficult to handle. On one hand, next time I see her, my crush may have disappeared and have just been a phase, but on the other, what if it gets stronger next time I see her and the rest of the family who are there notice (quite a lot of my family are Irish).
I seem to see quite a bit in common with regards to sense of humour etc, and I personally think she’s really pretty and love her accent.
I’d normally address something that bothers me with my mom, who I’m quite close with. However, this is one of her closest cousins; they text each other all the time, so I’m worried that if I do tell my mom, she’ll mention it to the cousin in question (she can be a bit of a blabbermouth at times).
My dad on the other hand would probably just laugh, possibly not taking the situation seriously. Though he could be of great help, he seems to find most of my mom’s cousins attractive too (granted, he’s more in their age group, but still, let’s hope he could find a way to handle the situation).
How do you think I should handle this?
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A crush is strong emotional feelings generated by what you see and hear in observiing one person you find attractive. For whatever reason, the one with the crush usually does not approach and talk to the person they are crushing on.
That is what a crush is, mainly in the head, not a relationship in reality. The thoughts you have, the things you imagine, even to the point of living as a couple together, will then generate the emotions you have. The brain is a powerful tool. So its not so much why are you feeling this way but what exactly is going on with your thoughts and I believe I may have one answer.
In teens and young adults, we tend to look at others in ways that may confuse us, like he's gay, I'm not, why am I so enamored of him? Lets use that as an example. I looked up several questions back and saw you wrote you were male. Often that is important as well as age but you did mention school back then so I am writing this as if you are a male HS student. So you are the age of not just liking what you see when you look at a female, but also more. You may not realize you are doing this but both males and females when young start watching the behaviour first of parents, later peers and looking for traits and behaviors in others that they really love and other things they'd want to avoid someday for whom they date or end up living with life long. It really doesn't matter the age of the person, It can be someone younger, around your age or parents age or even older. When I was a teen girl, I found traits I loved in males my age, they might not have all the traits, but a few good ones that caught my attention. Then the same with men, whether married or not, even a married deacon at church who was such a friendly personable person with everyone, even teens. Everyone loved him. Yeah, I felt strong feelings I realize now were just admiration and not a romantic love. He also was aging well for someone grandpa age and I remember thinking I would hope to find a guy who looked as much a fox as that man did when he get that old. This is all normal thinking if we listen to it, and are aware of it and make notes so when it comes time to find a mate, we will have an idea of what we are looking for and then there will be the extra of whether there is the chemistry or not to be romantic and lovers.
This is most likely why you are feeling this way. So there is no reason to tell Mom or Dad. Just relax and take note of the things you like about her. I guarantee she won't be the only one you will be extracting traits or personality bits tp put on a list, even if just in your mind. I did this after a divorce and it helped me find the right guy for me. I turned down many nice guys because they lacked some of the qualities on my list but my 2nd husband was able to meet ALL those traits that I knew I needed and wanted.
So enjoy her company when she is around. That is you enjoying the friendship part. Successful and rewarding long term relationships and marriage have two things in common that make up the foundation, One is friendship and the other is being each others sexual equal. This would mean both are into pleasing the other first and if both are doing this, both will end up satisfired, both have the same libido or sex drive which translates how often they need and want sex. There is no wrong number so while one person is happy with once every two weeks or once a week, another may want it every day. The problem as I found in first marriage is having different libidos doesnt help bonding and feeling loved. He had very little and I a lot more. Right now you get to feel that comaraderie, the easy flow of conversation, of thinking allkie and how everything in life even the mundane routine stuff seems like nore fun when the two of you are spending time together. That is one aspect of a deep friendship that you will want to be looking for in your romantic partner and the one you will marry or stay with life long. Enjoy her when she's visiting, its a good reminder to you of that level of friendship you are to be looking for when ready to find your life partner. But you must think of this as a learning experience, not that it is meant to be a sexual one as well. With crushes, the other has no idea someone feels that way. The more you dwell on a person, the more chances of desire for, forming in your mind and heart. This kind of love is born only out of the friendship part. The other person may not have any such chemistry needed, and even if the age didn't bother them, may feel no romantic love in return. This is the same with dating any girls your age. You did once say that back in September you crushed on a girl. If you think long and hard about it, I;ll bet you can come up with a personality trait, or characteristic about her that you liked as well. Put that on your list. If you do this, you will be way ahead of all the guys who date, break up and repeat over and over while after a few girls you meet with, you can already tell which one is your dream woman by how she fits the list you spent years making. Maybe as you get older, you might find something that was important to you before, is not now five years later so cross it off. And something you never felt important to you before, you finally realised should be on your list. So don't feel guilty about this. Its all normal. Just learn what you are supposed to from it.
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