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Issues with a forced family friendship.
My mom in-law has a longtime friend who has a late 20’s daughter. They visit and spoil my children and were otherwise annoying but harmless until the daughter started staying weekends at our home. She would call me to ask advice, complain about her mother (who she lives with and pays all the bills even though the girl works). I tried to be nice and play along until she said some things that disgusted me. I’d had enough. We have been trying to do some home improvements, and spend time as a family when we can so I told her that the overnights had to stop. I was firm, gave legitimate reasons, and wasn’t offensive. An it’s us, not you thing. Then some of my family came to stay with me for a couple days and this girl found out, blew a gasket, and tried to cause a rift between her mom and my in-law. I am irate that she did this and want to let her know (nicely) that what she did was unacceptable. She never sees her faults and only hears what she wants. She and her mom are coming to visit in August for the problem girls birthday and I don’t want to cause an issue between the moms, but also don’t see myself being nice to her. We all live together and they come to see my kids, honestly I don’t even want my kids around her. I don’t mind the mom, but she fights her daughters battles while complaining about her all the time, too. I worry that if I say something, she will cause more issues. But I want to set boundaries and tell her what she did was wrong. There is a ton more to this story/girl. She is problematic to say the least. She always plays the victim, acts entitled, expects too much, and has the personality of kale. What should I do? Cause I really want to lay into her but know that’s not going to help matters. I’m torn.
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If I understand correctly, using names will help me get this clear. SO Mom in law is Betty, her friend is Tricia and the daughter Jody is a leech, leeching off her mom and anyone she can get away doing so with, meaning you guys. Betty and Tricia have been long time friends. By that phrase, I assume this is more than a couple years to even five years, but almost a lifetime. Betty should have been able to see that something wasn't quite right in the household of Tricia. She could make assumptions and guess, but the evidence is there in Jody. Something was off. My take is that Jody either has some kind of mental illness which if so, doesn't reflect on the Mom but Mom, Tricia had to have something off about her too, to not see her daughter's behavior as not normal and then seeking help from a mental health specialist. What other possibility do I come up with? Bad parenting. i will explain. I think if I spell this out, you and your spouse will begin to see that this is way more than just a problem that popped up recently with the events that you mentioned. So I am spelling it out so you can see that you did nothing wrong, the problem obviously started long before.
On bad parenting, when raising a child, you give the child responsibilities that it can handle depending on the age and most parents do not expect enough capability regarding their kids. I started as soon sa mine were in high chairs and toddling about. Example: if not wanting to finish a cracker, instead of dropping it to the floor, I taught them to come hand it to me to dispose of, instead of scattering the home with toys dropped all over, I made them pick up toys and drop them in their toy box. Usually kids like to be helpful and the occasions when they weren't, I explained this is something we do even when we don't feel like it, so I put my hand over theirs and forced them to appear as if they were holding the toy, although I was and walk them with the toy to the toy box. By time the child is in their teens they should be given some of the easier adult responsibilities in preparation for becoming an adult, not doing everything for them, buying them anything they want. This teaches them the world revolves around them and what they want. Mom or Dad don't oppose them so it's culture shock when they find other people don't jump to their whim and pleasure and do as they wish.
Bear with me, almost done with this train of thought. When one daughter was about 15, 16 she wanted an expensive brand of shoe for the new school year. So I took her shopping. We had a tight budget and only had so much money set aside to get her a pair of shoes. I said if they had a sale and we could get them for what we had in budet, she could have them. These were tennis shoes. Nope, the cost was more than I can swing alone. So I gave her options. One was that I would put my amount towards the purchase but if she wanted them that bad, she had to pay the rest out of money she had earned. Or I could buy her the non name brand at a much better price and see if there was something on the clearance shelf she might like. She found a pair of cute short boots she liked. She told me she didn't want to spend her hard earned money just to have the name brand. All of a sudden it wasn't important anymore and my budget could handle both the tennies and boots. Of course she agreed to that. Since there wasn't a handout to get what she originally thought she wanted, she rethought things, like an adult would. This is the kind of stuff I am talking about. Of course, I understand there will always be a child who fights against a good parent, no matter what they do. My first daughter became like that at 17, 18 and one would think she had bad parents. The parents mistake in this case, is trying to pick up the pieces and go along with what the child demands, basically allowing a wayward child to control the parents. All my kids are adults. I will spend time with them and help at times but watch to make sure they are not abusing my help or what, so when the one daughter who doesn't cook invites me to dinner, expecting me to b ring food she can eat and prepare it, I tell her, this time, I wlll bring food since you're broke but you must be willing to prepare dinner and be willing to learn if I show you how. Other times I insisted she cook and if I show and she is apologizing too busy to shop or to cook but wants me to do so, I will do it if hungry but tell her that if she can't provide a cooked dinner when she invited me to dinner, then don't be surprised if I turn you down next time. And I have turned her down plenty of times. My kids are adults and I am pretty proud of them but there are still things they do where I do not allow them to get their way on some things they do. They are older than the one you mention, I call Jody. So one of those scenerios fit her. And in all those situations, there is something the Mom could be doing differently. No, we don't know everything, so when a problem comes along, turn for help to fellow parents, parenting books and learn. I had to do that and boy did it help. So in my eyes, Tricia has no excuse. Somewhere along the lines, she dropped the ball, gave up or thought it was normal or even easier to give in than the long hard way of taking time to teach her daughter a better way to be. This brings us to your spouse. I have no idea if you are male or female, therefore IO say spouse. Obviously, your spouse is well familiar with Tricia and Jody. Tricia is his/her moms friends are automatically his/er friend. A friend treats you special, as close as you can get to a family member who treats you well and loves you, they just don't share the same blood. So I would like to rephrase the label 'friend' with family acquaintance. Since Tricia and Jody are only aquaintances, not a friend, they do not need to be treated as your bosom buddies.
Throughout the whole thing you wrote, you always said I, nor We. So I have no idea if your spouse is on the same page. Is he/she willing to put up with this? Do they have a problem with being taken advantage of someone looking for freebies and not giving back in many ways? Is the spouse concerned about your kids being around Jody? Does your spouse know that if their Mom is friends with a person/Tricia with such family issues of her own, that Tricia may be a good friend but Betty realizes Tricia may be too much controlled by Jody. Would it be a surprise if Jody said bad things about your family who has not chosen friendship with Tricia and Jody. Would Tricia even listen. If she does have issues with parenting and tends to do anything to let daughter have her way, yes, Tricia just might listen and break off friendship with Betty, hoping that following through on her ultimatum with you will cause you to bow down to her wishes in the future? She is hoping to steer your family into giving up and going along just like her mom Tricia. Doing her will, is only going to enable her to remain a spoiled adult child forever. If Tricia wishes to do so, that's her business and she can be miserable for it. I know you are concerned about causing an issue with the Moms. I understand you value true friendship and likely see that between Betty and Tricia. However, friends are not inherited, much as Betty, Tricia or Jody may think. It is possible lets say, for one of my sisters friends to become a friend to me, some one who interacts with me on a friend level, and we do things together as friends do, whether the original person (my sister) is present or not. In friend ahip, there is no requirement that the person who initially introduced you must be present. But it sounds like the only time you see this Jody is when she tags along with her Mom Tricia, and your mother in law is present. The daughter Jody may have stayed past a party to stay overnight, or just shown up on your doorstep by herself, or called and asked. I'll bet the two of you never saw that coming and so had no idea how to react or what to say. This is why I am going to tell you, that the most important thing is that both you and your spouse discuss this whole thing and decide now what you are going to do. Heck if I had to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life to avoid a relative being hurt because someone they know is attempting emotional blackmail with me, the first thing I would do is tell my relative what their so called friend or their friends family or friends is trying to attempt with me and let my family know that I will not be blackmailed or controlled by anyone so I will call the shots and tell my relative they can do whatever they wish, which could amount to choosing between me or friend to believe. I wouldn't hold that against them. Actually, this happened to me twice in my family. I watch what I say as I do not wish to be misunderstood or cause a person to feel bad or get mad at me for assumptions. However, sometimes It can't be avoided. My own Mother stopped talking to me for a long time, I forget but it was anywhere from 6 mos to a year. All because I did act as excited as my sister to news she gave me. Then on a separate occurrence, my Dad took personal agrievence to something I said. Then made up a totally false story, I was in my late thirties with three children and married, and he told lies to several people including some friends from his church, one in particular I had become friends with. She believed him for he normally didn't tell falsehoods. My younger sister believed him. And I don't blame them as this was out of character for him. Both he and my sister stopped visiting and talking to me for a whole year. I would have apologized if I had truly done something wrong but I was not about to lie and admit to something I didn't do just to have my family talking to me again. After some time, each of those 3 family members started talking to me again and never mentioned anything about what caused them to stop interacting with me in the first placed and I wisely did not bring it up, because I did not require hearing any apologys. Sometimes, family will make big mistakes and believe the worst of you when it is not true.
In a way, you both are in this situation and it can hurt your spouse more than you as its their Mom, Betty. Do not allow this 20 yr old to hold threats over your head. Thats verbal bullying and threats. In todays time, that is not tolerated starting in schools. It should not be tolerated anywhere else. You never said if Betty believed Jody or Tricia or if it did cause any problem. Worst case, Betty might not choose to side with her child and believe them and give you the silent treatment as I was given when I was not in the wrong. I am one to admit my faults and do not hide them from others but what I have told you is true. I have no reason to make myself look good to you. You can decide to believe me or not.
So about August, I wonder if your house is where the birth day party is supposed to be held. Or if sometime near the birthday or on it, they just want to drop by and visit. Did you actually agree to hold a party for Jody at your place? She isn't even your friend. She isn't even your Mother in laws friend, just her friends daughter. By friend, I do not mean a person stops acting friendly and civil towards a family member of a friend, but treating a person friendly, doesn't make them your friend. Currently, my husband and I have two different people, one female, one man, who tend to follow us around like lost puppy dogs. We had a third but that person screwed us over and we threatened to call the pollce on him if he ever came to our doorstep again, he's an ex con. And still acts like one. Nice people, like me or you, tend to be like lights in the darkness and will attract all sorts of dysfunctional people who are like the moths drawn to the flame. These people force their so called friendship on us but in most cases, it has always been what they can do for us, not what they can ever once do for us. The latest, was getting a call in the wee hours of the morning, like around 2, the woman has an issue on her computer and knowing my hubby is computer savvy, wanted to ask him to talk her through fixing hers....at2 AM? She did ask, did I wake you. MY thoughts, were 'What are you an idiot? Just because we sleep normal hours and you choose to stay up all night and morning and sleep during the afternoon, does not mean we are going to be awake at the hours you keep. My husband said, he had been sleeping and was going back to sleep. Normally he is a helpful person,asking what he can do to help if someone asks for help. But this was her going overboard. SHe darn well knows we're asleep at that hour. You likewise should not feel pressured to do any favors or jump to the whim of a 20 yr old. But I state again, both you and spouse have to be on the same page, even if Betty ends up one day losing Tricia as a because you set your limits, and draw a line in the sand. It will not be your fault. A person had to own their own actions and the consequences of it. And reallize when it is truly their actions causing friction or issues, or whether it is because of 'other' people who not not owning their own actions, that there is conflict in the first place. Any psychologist will tell you that you aren't the problem. That Jody is and that in some way her mother has contributed to it. But neither is willing to see that their actions are the cause of their problems, not the people who choose to not associate with them. So talk about the party with your spouse. If the two of you are not on the same page, this issue can blow out of proportion and actually cause problems in your marriage if your spouse starts distorting thinking and believing you hate Betty because you will not allow Jody or Tricia to be in your lives anymore. I can tell you right now, that I would leave my husband if he chose doing the will of any person that forces themselves into our lives and acts as Jody does. He would have to chose between trying to keep peace with the others, or having a relationship with me. Because after a first marriage of a man who verbally abused and tried to control me, I vowed to myself to never let people have their way with me ever again. My hubby would never do as I suggested earlier. I was very picky and smart this time and chose carefully in a mate. YOu don't marry just a person but their family too. I know the short comings of all my family members and understand when hubby can only take so much of them at a time, even if they are fairly decent people because I feel the same way, and therefore, we are both on the same page and have no issues dealing with family. If you did not agree to have Jody over for her birthday, tell them you wish her the best for her birthday, but it will not be at your home. Have a talk with Betty privately and let her know what you say is only for her, not for her to share with Tricia and Jody unless she wants to see them irate, in which case it will be on her for gossiping and spreading on stuff she shouldn't. Tell her in confidence what you both have issues with, try to see where she stands if she is seeing what you are seeing. In most cases, I find people have no idea what to say or fear the consequences so they say nothing and remain miserable as someone inserts themselves into their lives whom they do not wish to be with. Just because one person like Tricia is a friend to MOm and you both respect Mom, that doesn't mean you both as totally different people from Mom, are going to automatically choose or gravitate to likeing the same kind of people for friends. I am not friends with any of my siblings friends. I know of them and greet them civilly by name if I see them, but they do not interest me as people to spend time with or even allow in my life. You do have the same choice. YOu do not have to feel beholden to accept Betty friends and her friends family as your friends. Life just does not work that way. If you wish to share more, thinking it will help, go ahead and find my column, dragonfly magic by searching advice columnists. However, I do not think that no matter how bad the stories of Jody are or even her Mom Tricia, the real issue lies what how you are going to handle this as a couple and how Betty might react. Hopefully she wont be offended on their behalf regarding your boundaries. But somethings needs to be said, first between you, then to Betty. You need not say anything to the others, asking Betty to say you have other plans. And every time they want to come by your house, she supports you and says again, they have other plans.Sometimes you will never get through to people like Tricia and Jody so its a waste of breathe explaining yourself. I have realized that and act accordingly in my life.
If they call directly to you, all you say is, we have other plans, and don't explain and if they try to keep you on the phone, you let them know, 'I have to go now" and hang up on them. I actually did that once when my boss was listening to my end of conversation. I had to hang up because I gave them two choices in a home service based company and they refused, wanting us to bend to what they wished. Finally I warned them I had to go and catch another call (not true) but it sounds good. They then called my boss to complain and she told them that what I said still stands, choice one or the other, There is nothing else we can do. NO one else we can send to do as you wish. Choose now or I will have to hang up as I have other work to do." Sometimes you have to be this way with unreasonable people, over and over until they get the message that they are no longer going to get their way with you. Same thing if one of them shows at your door step. You say, we have other plans. "well what are those plans, I wont get in the way, I really need your help." or what ever they say or ask, you stick to your rules and boundaries, both you and spouse saying the same thing, 'Sorry but we have other plans." If one of you weaken and give them a crack to take advantage of, they will only take that as meaning if they keep up the pressure long enough, you will eventually crack. I understand about people asking for advice and once you do so, and are nice to them, a normal person would thank you and then go on with their life and only get together with you if you and they mutually want to. They don't try to forcefully insert themselves into your life. But a dysfunctional person will see the nice deed you did and not take it as you being kind and caring and helpful. They see this as a weakness if you continue to let them decide when they will come to your place and expect you to welcome them with open arms, even if they were not invited.
You have problems if Betty is the one doing all the set up and saying, well my friend in lonely and needs to get out, and her place is too small and her daughter lives with her and goes where she goes, so I hope its okay that I invited them to come to your place for Jodys birthday. In that case, Betty, is just as much a problem as the other two. Instead of saying, Sure, okay MOm. Next time, say, no, it isn't okay. Just because we are your family, does not mean we need to cater to anyone who is a friend of yours. We don't mind helping with something once or twice but that list keeps growing and this is getting out of hand. Next time, you ask us first.(or in case Betty does ask you first,) Mom, she is your friend, not ours by choice. People do not inherit friends through family members, they are only acquaintances and they are not exactly our cup of tea, or choice in a friend. She and her daughter may be just fine for you but we choose to not spend any time with them by choice. We ask you to honor this. Yes, defininitely some discussing needs to be done.
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