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How do I tell my mom she's not walking me down the aisle?
My father has never been around. Ever. So technically speaking, my mother would walk me down the aisle. Well I don't want her to. I want my "adoptive" mom to. And why I say adoptive in quotes is because she's not actually. She's my best friend, but I consider her my mom because that's what I see her as. It started when I was on the brink of death in 7th grade. (I was suicidal). I was completely alone with literally nothing to live for, but this girl in my English class, who I didn't even know. She saw and helped me. We've been together since and I love her more than anything because she is the very reason I'm here today, and I'd do anything for her. My actual mom emotionally neglected me and has failed to show me love, support, and acceptance since I was a child. So honestly, I don't want anything to do with her. I have an anxiety disorder and I just don't know how to tell her that "Hey you're not walking me down the aisle because you don't deserve that honor because you've never even taken the time to show me any sort of love or appreciation." Because I don't wanna be a complete dick about it y'know? Plus yelling and screaming sends me into a full blown panic attack so I don't want to be screamed at. What should I do? Should I not invite her altogether??
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I have panic attacks as well, so I understand where you’re coming from. You should be honest with your mom and you’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t have her on your wedding day. It sounds like you two need closure. Talk to her. Not about the wedding, but about how you want the two of you to strengthen your bond with each other. To let her know about your “adoptive” mom walking you down the aisle, maybe text her or leave her a note. You could have a friend help you write it so you don’t offend her. There’s also the option of both of them walking you down if you want to take that route. Either way, it’s your wedding day. In the end, it needs to be a choice that you make. Just make sure it’s what you want to do. If you have your actual mom walk you down, but really wanted your best friend, you might regret it. Yet, If you have your best friend walking you down and know that you messed up things with your mom you might regret it. I don’t know you or your mom, so this varies among people. Listen to your gut and do what you feel is right. Just think rationally and make sure you do it in a way that keeps your relationships
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Your wedding is your special day. As long as the person you are marrying has no objections, and knows this is your plan, thats all that matters. If your dad was never around, i could guess that alone affected your Mom emotionally in bad ways and she was so wrapped up in her own unhappiness and life, that she couldn't be there for you. I am saying this so you can understand that even if she had actual reasons why she couldn't be there for you, the fact still remains that you never felt she was a mother to you. It is up to you whether you invite her to the wedding or not. You wouldn't want her throwing a fit at the wedding. You want only good memories.
SO here is what I have suggested to people who have had reasons why they didn't want a dad to walk them down the aisle or even for difficult, trouble making parents to attend. If you decide to invite them, you need to lay down to law. I would assign one of the male attendees you trust, to act as a bouncer, you know, the person who at clubs, will toss out rowdy people, drunks causing trouble. You add a short letter in the mailed invite that they are invited to your wedding. However, for reasons you'd rather not have to spell out, neither her or the non existent dad if he were to be found tomorrow, are not walking you down the aisle. YOu have someone else chosen. Heres where you mention the thing that could make such a person angry. You say they are welcome to attend as long as they can behave, go along with your choices, not complain, not confront you, and if yelling, rowdy or hurtful in any way, you have a person who had agreed to act as a bouncer and will remove them from the wedding if you ask them. That person can call police if anyone removed from the wedding hall, tries to come back in, instead of leaving. It may sound harsh but though her child by blood, you are an adult, if you are 18 or older, and this way, you don't have to talk to her. If she calls after recieving invite, you don't have to answer as you know it will be about the invite and what you wrote. At the wedding, if you were with the pastor up front when anyone starts acting up, all it takes is eye contact with the person who is your bouncer and a hand signal to convey to him you want that person removed. You need never have to deal with her. Or you can choose to not invite her. If she doesn't know you are getting married, this is easy to pull off. If Mom knows you are getting married, then it is harder to get away with not sending an invite, or at least mailing a letter or sending an email or text letting her know that you are having a very small wedding, and have your couple of witnesses and so there will be no big wedding to attend. Although, that story only works if she doesn't know any other attendees who may talk to her about your wonderful wedding.If you know from experience Mom is prone to yell and scream, then you already know she is going to likely do so at some point or another. I hope your mate is a strong supportive person as far as standing up to your Mom goes and will do the talking for you, telling her that her calls, verbal abuse and so on, are not cool and they don't want her to treat you that way. If not invited, there may be trantrums afterwards to deal with but as long as your mate doesn't back down from any challenge, it should be fine. I would hesitate at saying nothing in text, that she is not welcome if you so choose, because she could find out from someone else where and when the wedding is and show up. SO if you don't want her there at all, best to let her know, written notice is fine.
Don't let her give you the guilt trip and don't think of it and cause yourself anxiety by feeling guilty. You know there are businesses that have a sign stating "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone." This means for what ever reason, they can ask a person to leave. And no, they don't have to explain why. Explaining will only add fuel to the fire of the person being kicked out. I have witnessed this several times myself. In one case, the parents allowed their children to climb up on tables, and if they fell, the company would have to pay damages. So a manager asked them to leave. Another, a man was obviously extremely drunk, attempting to reenter the store I was leaving and three employees all yelled, "Oh no you don't. You are not welcome here. We told you to leave before. We are telling you again." And the man left. Usually its a food service establishment or a store but a public place. In your case, you reserve the right to refuse to invite whomever you want to for whatever reason, and like store employees, the person is not due an explanation. Only if the police are called to remove a person who won't leave, then you give the police the explanation why. You might keep a written copy of what you wrote her if she is not invited (but shows up) or if invited, that she had to behave and not act confrontational with you. The fact you warned her ahead of time helps to prove your side of the story. There is no rule that a parent or parents must be allowed to attend. So enjoy your wedding day, no matter which way you choose to go.
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