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Mom complains about me to my sister is it right or wrong?
My sister and I were talking about our mom, My sister saying mom always agrees with her when we are in arguement if even if shes wrong and says that our mom gives her the benefit of the doubt. and complains about me to my sister and it makes my sister feel like shes in the middle between my mom and I relationship...I'm conflicted about this infomation my sister has told me...I'm starting to grow a bit of resentment towards my mother I feel absolutly horrible for feeling this way... I want to talk to her but then she will say that I always find the bad in her and her actions are justified. that I need to think postive. She is never accountable for her actions... very set in her ways. I getting to a point where I feel a gut feeling of what she does is wrong or just unacceptable... I'm confused on this incident well this has happen multiple times....Is it wrong that my mom complains to my sister about me?
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A person who complains too much or too often, is actually a very unhappy person and they may not even realize it. To talk about someone behind their backs is not generally good. If my husband and I decline an invite to dinner from an adult daughter, we would have discussed why we both did not want to go. We have to be at our best, and strongest not tired out, getting over being sick because it will take all our mental energy to stay in control and not get upset about the ways she acts as an adult, mainly her expectations in her mind for us, and how she tries to nicely but persistantly prod you to do what she wanted in the end. This happened recently. We begged off saying we were ill because we were overworked and tired. A dinner invite means she expects us to bring food, and the kind she can eat, gluten free, and for us to prepare the dinner. She has never cooked a meal for me. I am hungry and want to eat and though she was trained otherwise as a child growing up, something went haywire as she became an adult. Every family has someone like this, pleasant enough when you can handle and ignore the not so good stuff. So our talking about her briefly is acknowledging something we both see, and it is different than the regular talking behind someones back. The talk I figure you are mentioning is like a Mother whose husband treats her badly, they divorce or he leaves never to return and then for the rest of the childrens lives, she is constantly complaing to them, telling them horror stories of how bad all men are and not worth being in relationship with and its best to be strong and not need them. If two parents couldn't get along or had problems, that does not reflect on all people. Your mom sounds like she is hoping to convince your sister to start agreeing with her and treat you badly. I am wondering if there is a father at home? If there is, this is something that could be brought up to him in private without Mom to hear, by both of you. ONe he could figure is imagining it but if both come tell the same story, its another issue. If they are divorced, and the two of you are still minors, your Mom needs to see a counselor, nothing major like mental illness but likely just one of the ways that average people do unhealthy thinking and they don't want to keep their thoughts to themselves. Its one thing is she is telling the story to a peer, another Mom and there is a real issue and she is asking for advice, much like you are doing here. I don't have to meet your Mom to know this is not healthy behavior yet there are plenty of people who do this. Just because plenty others do it does not make it right or normal. She is either consciously or subconsciously trying to divide the two of you, pitting you as sisters against each other.
I would tell Dad, even if divorced and he only sees you for visitation rights. I am guessing on Dad so I have to mention a few different options. If Dad is dead or no one knows where he disappeared to, then I suggest both of you talking to a relative who knows Mom well, such as a sister or brother, your aunt or uncle. Let them know what is going on and hopefully they have no mental issues themselves and will be able to give you the best ideas of how to proceed with this. If you are both adults living at home, I still suggest contacting and telling Dad or a relative who is willing to say something, and all of you find a time to sit with MOm and have a talk with her. If people other than her kids are concerned over her behavior, we can hope that will have an impact on her to stop and if she feels she cant, to seek out mental health counseling until she had learned how to have healthier thoughts. I am not talking about medicating. If it comes to this, please remember to look for counselors who advertise they are trained in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. Cognitive means thoughts, and our thoughts pretty much lead our behavior. So good thoughts, normal behavior, distorted thoughts, bad behavior. So to answer you, yes it is wrong what Mom is doing. I must add that just the description of not accountable for her actions and set in her ways, sounds like she may never be open to help and getting better. She may be quick to blame any and all of you, including relatives. A relative of mine is like that, won't stick with a CBT counselor for mental health and is now all alone. Any partner they find never stays long as soon as their mental issues become known. I understand how easy it is to feel resentment, been there done that with the relative. A parents role is to prepare you for adulthood. So if a minor, she is not helping by doing this. It is good that both you and sis can see something wrong with this. If you are adults, I would suggest maybe finding another possible room mate and renting a place together, 3 people with incomes should be able to swing it. If you are still minors at home, it depends if you're a year or two from being old enough to move out on your own together at least to start. If you both are much younger, and have 5 years or more of putting up with this, it is unhealthy enough, just think of anything worse than just the resentment and learning to be that way yourself by habit, even if you didn't originally want to. It would not be a good idea to have Mom as your legal guardian if you both find things getting worse than this. Never feel bad to reach out to relatives, and if there are none, your school counselors for help. Mom may need help and this may be the only chance and only way she gets any if she can be swayed to understand the need for help. If you have a church priest or pastor, Ir would be a good thing to at least call and see if he will meet with you and sis, say, after school, sometime when Mom wouldn't know about it. Not saying it has to be a big secret but in my family experience, when the person in question knew of something like this, they became loud, argumentative, unreasonable and very disruptive so the main intent of explaining the situation to find a solution where you are helped and MOm is helped, will happen. The relative I am thinking of, did not want anyone outside of family knowing anything. As it stands right now, I encouraged a niece to talk to me about concerns for my sister who has had multiple illnesses for years and is going downhill fast and I have caught mental lapses. I just figured, over medicated, as that can do it to an older person. However, when speaking to the niece, discovered, she is going against Drs orders, and taking her medicine concoction as before. The Dr. refuses to refill for a month or so but he and pharmacist have to listen to her complaints every day, bitching to get her meds and they finally give in to get her to shut up. She is hooked on her meds and does not want to follow a plan to slowly start using less of certain ones so there will be no drug interaction any more. She is choosing this and everytime I now try to bring things up, she ges upset and cries and asks why everyone is against her. She has stopped talking to another sister. Sometimes, you can't help people who don't want to be helped. In that, she is set in her ways as you describe Mom. Unfortunately, what sis is doing will likely end her life much much sooner than if she had listened to her Dr.. I share my story so you can see that yes, it is not a bad thing for the child to talk to an aunt, like me, or an uncle to advise them of what is actually going on. Hopefully for you, informing a relative will help get things going better for your household
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