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Suicidal Friend Kicked me out of my own room... Now what?
I invited my friend to my birthday party. We went to a hotel and now we are spending the night at my house and then we will go see a movie. At the hotel she started crying while we were watching a movie and I tried to comfort her and figure out what was wrong but she just walked up and went to the bathroom. I figured she just wanted to me alone. 20 minutes later I got a text from her telling me to come to the bathroom immediately so I did. She had tried to hang herself. I didn’t know what to do so I just cried and told her that life would get better. We went back to bed. In the morning we left the hotel and she was a little bit on edge. We went home and she was only on her phone. I sat next to her on the bed in my room but she told me to leave the room because she wanted to be alone. Now I am sitting in my parents room while she is doing who knows what in my room. We are both 13 year old girls and she has a history of suicidal thoughts and cutting. I am very worried and upset. I have been kicked out of my own room by my best friend at my birthday party. I feel like she doesn’t want me around or that I make her uncomfortable. Please give me advice. I don’t know if I should tell her to go home. How would I even tell her to leave. I don’t want her to hurt herself because of me. Please answer as soon as possible.
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I am not seeing this close to the time you wrote so for all I know, she succeeded in killing herself. If not, read on please.
I have an adult daughter with depression. She hid it well when it started during HS years. It got a zillion times worse after having her first child, with thoughts of killing herself or the baby which she didn't want to have happen and only told me then.
I began to think back on how many teens with depression end up committing suicide. I would have wanted some one who knew of her condition to tell me so that I could intervene and get her help so that would not happen. Until you are a parent you won't understand how devastating it is for a parent to deal with the loss of a child let along even think about it happening. I had a dream once, so real, I thought it was really happening, out on a hike when my middle daughter got too close to a cliff and we weren't near enough to help and seeing her go over. The grief I felt in my dream haunted me for days after and I had to call to make sure she was okay so I could stop worrying. I can tell you that her parents would want to know so they can get her help. Some parents may not be very involved or close to their kids or have the kind of rapport with them where they can discuss anything, like friends on drugs, sex, etc. The topics kids wouldn't want to share with a parent. I was very involved and knowledgeable on the signs to look for if a teen was depressed, or on drugs. I was that involved and yet she was able to hide it from me. I think that most kids are able to hide it from their parents.
So let me give you two stories here so you can make your decision as to which way it wlll go if she's still alive. Even if you are no longer teens, and legally adults, the parents are the closest living relatives and the ones to attempt to get her to willingly go for help.
First story: The suicidal friend tells you to not tell anyone so you don't because she has said she would hate you the rest of her life if you did, and you would lose her as a friend. So you do nothing, eventually she succeeds and dies. And you lose your friend anyways and have to live the rest of your life wondering if things might have gone differently if you'd said something. You might also live with lots of guilt until you yourself go for counseling to deal with it.
At her funeral which you attend, you talk to her parents and by things you say, they figure it out and point blank ask if you knew about this. You could lie or confess but parents radar picks up on that sort of thing. They will know either way and be very upset with you because you knew and didn't say anything. You basically took away their chance to try to get help for their daughter. In a way, you have part responsibility in her death, not the commiting it, but in making it easy for her to do so without someone intervening, its like a form of aiding and abetting which in some police and courst cases are taken very seriously. A person begging for money for food might be a drug addict who doesnt want food but money for drugs. If I just give out money to someone cus I feel badly for them, I might be aiding them in getting their next hit. But if I offer to buy them something, you know pretty quickly if they are really hungry and telling the truth. I had one guy accept my offer of food, and a woman who refused my buying her a meal. I guess she wasn't hungry and now I knew she wasn't actually hungry as I thought her to be.
Story two: Your friend has told you not to tell anyone ever or you would lose her as a friend. But you are confused and thinking, but what if I lose her if she succeeds one time. So you go tell her parents. They are so thankful for the news that they are hugging you and thanking you and a bond is built between you and them right there. They drag her to counseling where she goes unwillingly. THen later at school she confronts you and tells you she hates you for telling the parents and she will never speak to you ever again and never be your friend again. You feel so upset about this, but you did what you did to save her life so you could have her around as a friend, cus she can't be your friend to spend time with after she's dead. You are very sad, even feeling almost depressed yourself at the loss of her friendship. Then times goes on and she gets more counselling, gets the help she needs and begins to see things more clearly, and eventually one day she walks up to you at school or comes to your house and tells you that she would like to be friends again. You are surprised and say, "But I thought you didn't want to be friends ever again and were angry with me." "I was," she says, "But I was saying this out of a mind so depressed I couldn't think straight. I am doing better now and realize I have to thank you for saying something, because my problems that caused my depression in the first place wouldn't have been taken care of if I hadn't got help. So thank you," And then she gives you a big hug.(The only variation here is you telling your parents and begging them to go with you to tell her parents. I was very shy of other adults in my teens and would not have gone straight to her parents. I know I could have told my parents and they would have acted. Naturally, i never had to deal with that, but at one point a friend confessed her parents didn't believe in celebrating birthdays so she'd never had a birthday party. I told my MOm whom was on board with throwing her a surprise party. She still remembers that to this day as I found out at my 40th reunion. So talking to your parents about anything that you can't really fix on your own is a wise thing to do.)
Which story do you want to have be part of your future life? Yes, some points may be a little different but even if she doesn't talk to you again as a teen, give her time, teens brains are still developing long after their bodies have matured and the frontal lobe of brain isn't complete until the average of age 25. It is after this age a person is able to look at things in a different way than when they were younger and able to understand lets say your reasons to talk to someone so she can get help. If both sets of parents are not around much or have proven they dodn't want to be bothered by anything and don't care, then you would have to tell a school counselor and make sure they have all the details you gave me.
The reason your friend kicked you out of your own room is because she was likely trying to figure how to end her life in there and did not want an audience. Imagine if she had succeeded how that event would have affected your parents, her death in their home and her angry parents thinking maybe it wasn't suicide but one of your parents killed her to cover up something she knew and they didn't want her to make known. I know it sounds crazy but it is possible if a parent were having an affair and she saw them out with their date.
So even if nothing I told you makes sense, and you are still scared to act, the best thing you can do at this age, long before you are able to make solid decisions with a mature brain, trust her parents or yours (who have mature brains) to handle what needs to be done.
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