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An abusive and controlling father? What should I do?
I am an only child, age 16, and I have a mother and a father. My mother is amazing but my father… is something else.
He makes my mother do anything he wants and controlls her a lot. He does the same to me. He has for years.
He wants me to be the smartest person in all my classes and wants me to do pretty much anything perfectly. If I don't or get something less than an A+ on any of my classes (whice obviously would have happened a lot) he punishes me in ways I don't want to explain.
I'm lucky that he allows me to have friends and some of them knows about this but I made them swear not to tell anyone else or do anything about it. They stay by my side and I love them for that but is it wrong not to have them do anything? What should I do about this? I'm scared and I desperately need help.
Thank you so much.
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It is great you have friends you can confide in. Your friends are not in a position to help you because they are still young, not adults in a profession or with an agency that can help. Your Mother was too scared to reach out for help when she knew he was abusive and controlling. I was with my ex for 30 years before I got the guts to leave him, and by then my kids were grown and the damage to their psyches already done. One choose a partner worse than Dad, one is avoiding marriage and doesnt ever want kids, the last one is married but the partner useless and lazy and they have to be the one and only adult in the relationship and as a result of being the only one carrying the load, plus care of a child, is always worn down and tired. I am afraid it will eventually have an effect on health.
I did what your mother hasn't. I can tell you right now that living like this causes stress. Over time, stress will cause all sorts of issues in your body either mentally or phycially. I had every stress caused illness or medical conditions that could occur, until I left. At 16, you don't have the opportunity to just leave since its your Dad and not a husband as was my situation.
You did ask your friends not to tell and not to do anything. Even if they had, it was up to you whether you want to accept help or not. Since you are writing in, I am guessing you are getting ready to accept help but may not already be there. So I will share from my own family experiences with a very recent CPS case against my oldest child and her husband. Both are mentally ill and untreated by their choice, refusing to take meds or see a Dr. A child in school was found to have bruises and old enough to tell CPS that both beat her with odd objects around the house and that she knew parents shouldn't treat their kids this way. If she could realize that at age 8, surely at 16 you know what Dad does is wrong. Abuse whether physical or verbal is not your fault, there is nothing you can do to warrant a normal person treating you like that. The issue lies with Dad. He needs help. My experience with CPS showed me that they are willing to pull out all the stops to find a way to get a child back with their parents, even if its a parent who is acting badly due to being abusive. Of course, their plan is removing the child(ren) from home into temporary foster care while they put the parent in touch and hooked up with agencies to help them. It may be mental illness, it may be very distorted thinking or that he was raised by an abusive parent himself. So telling your school counselor can get this all started. When official help is offered, even to your Mom is he chooses to not go to a Psychologist, take parenting classes, or do whatever they feel must be part of his treatment, there are people who can help MOm know who to contact to help her build a life without him. Perhaps then when you are an adult and much older and can take care of yourself, you can attempt seeing your Father if he is told by law he can't see you until you are an adult and voluntarily want to meet. Your Dad is not going to be punished or go to jail. Agencies with professionals who deal with this stuff all the time have the same goal, to help the person get better so they can continue to have their family and a happier life. This could have happened years ago if Mom had reached out for help, but it can happen now if you will only tell a person who can really get the help started. Believe me, the counselors at school hear and see much worse than you have to share. My own sister had her daughters friend confide in her that she never went to officials for help but Mom was dead and Dad sexually abused her so she never went home to Dad and started living at friends addresses while finishing HS. It is sad to think what if, what if she had told a counselor, who got a hold of her Dad and got him the help he needed. He may never have grieved properly and the death of wife made him snap or something cus the problem didn't occur until after Mom died.
If you are too scared to talk to a counselor and want to get away from this situation, about the only thing I can say is to find a youth shelter to stay at while you still go to school. Although if they know you have a Mom and only Dad is the problem, I am sure they would be pointing you in other directions for help longterm. If before help gets started Dad becomes violent enough to hit your Mom or you, get out right away, go to a neighbors house and call the police from there. While physically hitting someone is against the law, even if he is taken in for questioning, he will most likely have to be seen by mental health specialists and if he is found to have any mental issues, anger problems, abusive behavior, and he has some kind of illness causing it, he will have to undergo treatment. It is not a crime to have mental illness and they can't lock him away for just that. So please do reach out to a school counselor. Don't hold anything back, share even more details if there are any. They need to know you are not just a grumpy teen but that this is a real issue. If Mom tells them there is nothing wrong, she will likely also have to undergo a mental health checkup. Or she may be so scared for her life, that he could kill her that she would never tell anyone for fear if he found she spoke up, that he would seek revenge by killing. If it is this serious, which I hope it is not, and it usually isn't, then she can get help too.
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I would request that you ask for some help. Call someone that will be open to your problems and let them help you. I believe calling the police would be best bet. When you do, tell them calmly about the situation and they should be able to help.
Abusive people tend to find ways to make you scared to tell anybody, so that's normal. He is trying to manipulate you and your mother. Try your best not to let him do that.
Or you can talk to your mother in private on how you feel and see if you get how she feels. Talk about what you both think might be right for both of you. Compromise if need be. Plan on the future for when he's gone (if that's what you decide). Is he the only one who works in the family? If so, your mother might need a job. You are now old enough to get a job of your own if you don't already have one. That could help.
Is it your mother that's working and not your father? Or are they both working? If you end up going without your father, you will be alone for however long your mother is at work. How to fix this: Go out. Go with friends. Do something. If it's your mother's day off, see if you can hang out with her whenever possible.
You are a woderful person. You don't deserve this. You have amazing friends who want to help as much as possible. Let them. You won't regret it. Trust me, I know.
I hope this answer help you out at least a little.
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