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Feeling Used and Discarded by Daughter. What Should I do?
I am a 50 year old Mom and I have a 27 year old Daughter. She lives with her abusive and controlling boyfriend. I have noticed a pattern and I do not like it. During Christmas and birthdays she keeps in touch and is very warm, caring and friendly. Other times she does not text and does not want to be bothered. She can be rude. After 3 years of building this pattern I am tired of feeling used and discarded. Every Summer when there are no gifts involved she discards me and wants nothing to do with me. I am tempted to tell her that I no longer wish to exchange any Birthday or Christmas gifts with her and see if she quits visiting and all communication. This way I no if my suspicions are correct that she only uses me for Gifts. Problem is my Mother lives with me and my Mother does not feel the same way as I do. I would hate for my Mother to be punished for my choices and decisions. My Daughter does not text to ask how her Grandmother is doing and did not come to the hospital to sit with her Grandmother while I was in surgery. I am feeling like my Daughter could care less about her Grandmother or I. What should I do?
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I come from an abusive marriage. In the beginning before wedding, he had even my parents fooled, and after, became verbally abusive. When my parents saw the pattern and tried to talk to me to leave him, I didn't want to for twisted religious reasons. I eventually left him when I was ready and also thinking differently.
I have known women who had abusive controlling bf or husbands. It may not have anything to do with her not wanting contact with you. He may actually be controlling that. In worst cases, the male will work to separate her from friends, family so she does not have her support network, they do not allow the women to leave the home by themselves, control their phone, read their mail, its very invasive and the threat of harm if not going along with his demands usually keeps a female from reaching out. Eventually all of this kind of abuse creates enough stress that has to go somewhere and it affects either physical health as it did for me, or it affects mental and emotional health. So your daughter may no longer be able to think clearly/straight. Do not cut her off. You are thinking its all about you and her not loving you, needing you or wanting to spend time with family. You are lucky he even lets her get in touch during Christmas and birthdays. He probably thinks that makes her look more normal but I'll bet he is monitoring even those phone calls. You are not used or discarded. Its your daughter who is being used. Unfortunately, we can't force a person to do something that is better for them, like leave him. Just remain open to her. Always waiting for that one time she gets the guts to leave him. She will be needing you then. It doesn't sound like you have any chance to see her in person for visits. If that is the case, I'd find a way to let my daughter know that any time she wants to leave him, that we will do what we can to help that happen. I would establish a safe word or phrase that she could use on phone to let you know if he is listening in or if its private. If he records calls to listen to later, or has his ear up to phone while she talks letting her know to not say certain things, it would be like having a man with a gun to your head, telling you to tell a possible rescuer that all is fine. All she has to do is something simple like use of a phrase before adding the rest, like 'Did I tell you yet that ...." If she ever uses that one, and you pre arranged without his knowledge that when she uses that phrase right at the start, that he is recording or listening in, then you know you can't ask questions and talk freely. I would let the daughter know if there is a way to, that in one of these allowed calls, if she mentions a certain word, that is a secret cry for help, asking you to rescue her and get her away from him. At that point, you call the police, give them the address and have them go rescue her.
I am 60 and when I was 50, my oldest daughter had been off mental health meds for a while, had married a guy who was a sociopath and from stories told by his mom, dad was a psychopath. She said she no longer wanted to talk to me or anyone in the family because she believes she was abused as a child with us. Her siblings were shocked as there never was any such thing. The stories she shared in detail were the exact same stories that her husband told me once on phone of his childhood abuse. I know hers never happened but in her mental state, she is imagining it all to be true. A few years later, CPS got involved and my granddaughter was taken away from her and given to her birth fathers custody. Funny how the child who says she was abused as a kid, which isn't true, was now abusing her own child along with her new husband. That is what I have to live with hon. In my case, it is not my imagining I am being discarded. I was clearly told she wants nothing to do with me or any family, not cousins, or aunts or uncles either. There is no way to know how she is doing, but without meds, it can't be good. I hear nothing at all. But I do not feel unloved, or discarded. In this case, I know she is not in her right mind. I will never close the doors to her. I know there is nothing I can do to help her but love her even if there is currently no relating with each other, and be willing to help if she asks for it. Other than that, I go on with my life and put thoughts of her on a back burner in my mind. It is not the foremost of thoughts as that would derail my own life, and turn me into a basket case. So the choice is yours as to how you will feel. If you feel that your thoughts on this are distracting you from your own life, then you may want to go for counseling. All we can really do as Mothers, is to pray and ask for Gods angels to watch over and protect our children, when they are adults and possibly not in a good situation.
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Is there going to be any birthdays recently or anything? If so, when you both meet again, try to talk to her and ask if she wants to visit sometime after the holiday/birthday. That would be another way to know if she truly uses and discards you because even if she says yes and she ends up not coming the day you planned, then what you are saying could, unfortunately, be true. If she says no, ask if she has any days where she could, then so on. If she still says no, then once again, she could be using and discarding you. If she says yes and actually comes over they day you planned, then hurray! She might not be!
There might be a reason she is not communicating with you: You said she is living with her abusive and controlling boyfriend. When stuff like that happens, that boyfriend (or girlfriend, depending on the relationship) could be manipulating her. Making her stay away from her friends and family.
How manipulating works in short: The person manipulating make you, or other people, think that you are doing it all wrong, it's all your fault, the only way to do things is how s/he (the manipulator) wants, etc. The manipulator is smart and knows what s/he is doing. That's how it works.
How to stop it: As you are not the one being manipulated, you can't see the problem and leave. You can see the problem, but it is your daughter's job to try and fix it. Unfortunately, if you try to tell her, she (as most people do) will most likely get angry and that could make her still want to stay away from you. So try to just tell her (when she's there to talk to you) that you (and her gandmother) love her very much no matter what. That she can tell you anything and you will still love her. Tell her to be smart and that she is a wonderful and beautiful person. This could make her more open to you, and as a bonus, help her with the manipulation problem because manipulators also tend to tell you the opposite of that and tell the victim that is the reason why s/he should stay with him/her. So tell her that and see if it helps. I understand that I am only 16, but I'm very much experienced plenty of things in my life already.
I wish you the best and I hope that this answer could help.
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