|
Sad social life
Ok, I really need help with this! As you can probably tell from my last questions, one of my friends is really mean. Although she may not be the best friend, she's the one that invites me over the most. Since she treats me badly, I often don't look forward to hanging with her. I know it sounds sad, but because of this, I don't get out much. On top of this, I'm super awkward when talking to people! I want to get a better social life and become more comfortable talking to people, but I don't know how. Any suggestions???
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I had social anxiety from as young as I can remember, before school and through HS. There is an easy cured if that is what you have. If you suspect this to be the case, write me back directly by going to my column 'Dragonflymagic' and writing from there to request that information.
Otherwise, if its just a matter of feeling awkward because you don't know what to say, basically, how to start conversations, then read on.
No matter if school age and up to elderly, most people tend to bed friendly if spoken to first. The problem is when every one is waiting for someone else to speak up first, whether they know you or are a stranger. I have learned that the majority of personality types are friendly and will respond if you attempt small talk or a convo. So its a matter of what to say. If you wish to start a convo, then either it is easiest with a genuine compliment or something pertaining to the circumstances in which you find yourself.
On compliments, by genuine, I mean only compliment people where you really like something. If you don't for example like their necklace, don't say anything just to practice. People can pick up on when someone is insincere/lying. So it can be something like, Hey Alison, i love your new haircut or hair color. Where did you get it done?"
People seem to find those that ask them questions about their self or compliment them, to be really good at conversation. The reason is that most people like to talk about themselves, so even if they did the most talking, just your interest and listening ears makes them like to be around you.
If you can't see anything new to compliment someone on, then go for complimenting on something older, like a friends outfit she's worn many many times, as long as you've never said anything yet. For this, don't feel bad about not saying any thing in the past, just do it now starting with, "Hey Jules, i know I've never said anything before about your outfit, but I really like it. It makes you look really great." Once you get over fear to do this, there are oh so many opportunities to compliment people. I for example a few months ago saw a Mom with 4 kids shopping. Most moms I knew when my kids were young, didn't leave the house with their kids except for church or Dr. appts for the kids. When I asked, it was too much of an inconvenience for all those moms who had to hassle with a car seat, booster seat and keep track of multiple kids in a store. So when I saw the mom and kids, I was impressed how the kids behaved and the fact they were with mom in a store. I didn't know her but she was still putting groceries in the back of her car when I exited and I walked up to her and said, I have to pay you a compliment for being willing to take your kids with you anywhere, even the store. No one I knew when mine were little would even try it. You are a great Mom for doing so." She was genuinely pleased and thanked me. A little thing like that can brighten a persons day.
The other I mentioned is looking for a subject that has something to do with the situation you are sharing. Lets say you're in the same class and just got a substitute teacher for the day. You can always ask a classmate how they liked the substitute and how they feel they compare to the regular teacher. When asking questions, make sure they are open ended, not close ended. A close ended question can be answered with a yes, no or maybe and the convo stops there. So instead of "Did you like our substitute teacher today" it is "What did you think of our substitute today?" They can't answer yes or no because of how you worded it. There was once a woman asking for a drink she had at a Starbucks far away and was in the store I go to. She was trying to tell them what the ingrediants were so they could try to reproduce. I came along as she was taking her second taste test from a sample cup. "Very close, it just needs ....whatever she said I can't remember." HOwever, I was curious and asked her what went into the drink and she explained and told me it was something they made at her local Starbucks but it wasn't on the menu here. Since they are willing to make you something even not on their menu but from ingrediants they have in store, they will do it. They gave me a sample cup of what they'd made for her and it was good. I can't remember the details to have one made for me now, but this was a stranger I talked with for about 15 minutes. Lets say a group of people are asking each other if someone has seen the new movie out at theatres, mention the movie name but no one has seen it yet. YOu went on the first day and have an opinion of it, but they don't know you. I would see it as an opportunity and state, "Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear you all. I have seen that movie. Went on the first day. It is really good. I liked the leading female role because it was a strong one and very believeable." They might ask for more detail and then you give it. Sometimes you get sucked into having a conversation with a group this way. To seem more approachable, for someone to start a conversation with you, if someone happens to look your way, friend or stranger, just give a quick smile. A smile tells the other person that you are approachable, that you are not one of 10% of people who are mean, don't want to talk to anyone and are loners who prefer to hide in their homes. If you do run into someone like this, don't feel bad thinking its you that they don't like. They won't like most people anyways, and the problem is theirs. So don't let it ruffle you, just keep on trying to talk with others.
Also, when listening to someone, listen closely to what they say when for example you ask how their weekend went or what they did. There may be more than one subject you can switch the line of talk to if they don't keep on going long term. If someone answers, "Well, Saturday, my sister and I went riding bikes around Millers lake. I was exhausted after and sat out in the sun reading a book. Later, my boyfriend and I went to dinner and to a movie." What subjects can you come up with to make comments and follow with another question?
If you didn't know she had a sister, or how many siblings she had, you can say, "I wish my sis and I were that close. How many siblings do you have and where do you fall age wise?" Thats one possibility. Another is bike riding or Millers lake. YOu oould mention you also love bike riding but its no fun going alone and say she can ask you next time she plans to go, and all 3 of you could go. Or if you like Millers Lake, tell her so and volunteer a couple other places you like to bike. Then ask her where else she likes to go riding. Another is the book she's reading, if she didn't mention the title, ask for it. If you haven't heard of it before, you can ask next what the genre is, meaning scary, adventure, time travel, etc. Then tell her if you like the same or mention what you do like. Lastly, if you've never been to the restaurant or don't know which one, you can ask about that and it can start a whole different conversation about favorite foods or places to eat. Or ask about the movie. If one doesnt get the person talking, use one of the other subjects. So you have to kind of listen to what they are saying and multi task deciding which things make good second subjects to introduce into the chat.
One thing you should never do with this method is to ask one question after another without making any comments of your own in between, and the reason is that questions only asked rapidly one after the other makes it sound like an interrogation and will turn people off. I hope this helps if its just not knowing what to say. If you are far from this stage and too scared and nervous around people socially, then ask for what I did to get over social anxiety. For me it wasn't mere awkwardness but I was truly scared of people other than my family and a few friends who approached me first to befriend. SO if I could get over it, as bad off as I was, you can too.
]
More Questions: |