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Losing my best friend in the whole entire world
A while back I started getting really close to a guy (being a girl myself). We became best friends pretty quickly and I felt a strong connection to him. After months of friendship he confessed to me about having a crush on me and possibly even being in love with me. However, I’ve had a boyfriend for over a year and still am very happy with him, so I naturally turned him down. At first we seemed to be able to stay good friends but he has now told me that he feels like he is dependent on me and knowing that I cannot be his really upsets him. I obviously understand that he needs his distance from me to get over his feelings and move on but I haven’t stopped crying since he told me he needed space. I feel like our friendship is over because I have no idea how many tedts would be inappropriate and what I can and cannot talk about. I’m heartbroken at this loss of the best friend that i’ve ever had and don’t know how to act towards him and how to make sure both of us wre happy..
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I was in a situation similar to this. It's tough because you don't want to see him hurt but at the same time you can't give him what he wants: you. You probably don't want to hear this but you need to let him go. Give him some time to think about it and you never know as time pasts he may come back around. I can only imagine that every time he's around you it reminds him that he can't be with you. And I imagine you're upset because of the friendship ending. I suggest giving him some time and space for now.
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Ahh, you are experiencing one of those tragedies in life for which there is no cure.
Often hetero friends stay just friends, neither one developing love for the other. Sometimes, both slowly begin to admire each other, then desire each other. Lastly, only one develops feelings for the other than are the 'more than just friends' variety.
The best relationships for couples are built on two things, one is being best of friends but also having that one thing friendship doesn't have, that romantic and sexual love.
Once love has developed, that is not just a feeling, not a misguiding feeling that has no basis in fact. The fact is, you can not turn off love if one or both feel love. Yes, in time it may not hurt any longer for some people while others still hurt the rest of their lives for a love lost.
If the tables were turned, you'd understand how he feels. So lets use your imagination. Put things in reverse where he is the one dating a wonderful girl, you are his friend and just confessed to him that you have feelings stronger than just friends. He likes his girlfriend so he says he'll keep dating but you can still be just friends. So you try it but it is awkward. Now that you confessed, you see things in a different light and you want to be able to kiss and cuddle but by sheer willpower you have to stop your hand from reaching out to touch him or kiss him. When you are listening to him talk, just the sound of his voice, how animated he is, body language, all of it just makes you want him more when you already know you can't have him in that way. It is pure torture to watch him and now you are afraid that any touching him, even a pat on the shoulder might be taken wrong by him because he knows how you feel. What can be more miserable than being right in front of something you can't have fully. It's like working in the bakery and smelling all those delicious smells but told the rule is you can not eat any pastry but it is all for the customer. That is also torture. I don't know what ages you are but depending on how young, the younger the people, the less the length of time of any relationship in dating until one matures and decides what they need and want for a life long partner, sweetheart. This is not the only time you will experience this. There will be times when you feel something but the other isn't interested and vice versa. This difference is real, not someone just making a snap decision off the top of their head because when things are going good and there is attraction on both sides, what you have here is chemistry or call it very similar pheromones and people subconsciously, without knowing it is doesn't have a scent one can register like all other scents we can smell, pheromones are picked up by the olfactory glands in your nose and that is transferred immediately to your brain. Your brain registers that the other person is hot looking, sexy and your thoughts now generate the emotions to go along with, feelings of excitement, of wanting to preen and pose and be your best to impress, feeling sexual excitement, feeling that comfy friendship, maybe it feels like love at first sight. This is what generally draws people together. However many do not understand how this works or ignore the fact that the feelings don't match up with the other person and many end up marrying a best friend but neither have a rewarding sex life because that chemistry is missing and there is no way to get it. I dated a guy after a divorce, so I was in my forties, and he looked like he had just stepped off the cover of a magazine, a male model, such a gorgeous hunk. The looks alone were enough to generate an instant feeling of desire. However as we dated, we realized that there was no chemistry between us. The draw we felt initially was pure sexual ones and yet we were not even the best match there either. Sometimes new relationship energy can feel like the real thing but it wears off soon and then there are no feelings. In my case, it was mutual. SO I am saying not to be bad that you do not feel about your friend romantically. There might be a slight pheromone connection, enough for him, but not for you. And the best relationship is one where the pheromones are so much the same in strength plus you are both best of friends. Often younger people don't know what it is to be a real friend and describe friends who actually sound like enemies to me. I hope just saying friend is enough for you. But if you want clarification as to what a real friend is, not what the main population seems to think, then ask me. It is important that the BF you have is someone who can meet your needs and wants, is best of friends and also there is romance, he treats you like you are a precious treasure. Think of how some guys treat their cars, as if it was a woman, always pampering, checking for spots of dirt and then washing, waxing, buffing and the list goes on. They are so into their car that they almost miss whats going on in the world around them. They are treating their car like a precious treasure. Unfortunately, many men today have dads and grandads who had no idea how to be a great mate for their lady so men today only have what they learned from observing their elders and thus there isn't much to go on or it was a dysfunctional relationship. Women need to realize that staying with the wrong guy, especially if not treated the best, only trains them further that they can get away with a lot of stuff that should not ever be happening in a couple relationship. So you will have to let your friend go, eventually he will see you less and less because it hurts him to see you, want you and know he can't have you as more than friends. This is something that no one in the world has a magic way to fix or change. It just is. However, I can only come up with thoughts based on what you write and must point you back to the following words as we tend to sometimes put our real feelings into print, when our conscious mind won't acknowledge them at all. You said:
"I’m heartbroken at this loss of the best friend that i’ve ever had." The very best? Really? Better than the guy you are currently dating? You need that close friendship, because that will get you through any harder times in life with a particular partner, any irritating stuff and so on. But there has to be chemistry. So be sure that you have absolutely zero chemistry with this male friend. Do not squash or deny feelings you have just because you have feelings for the current BF you say you're happy with.
Oh and by the way, a crush in the dictionary is: a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate. And I can also state that a crush if they are attainable, never know of another persons feelings, even if they are single because that person is too shy, afraid of rejection or too unsure of themselves to make it known. Since he had the guts to tell you, it is not a crush in my eyes any more. He is actually in love with you. That is why he can't be around you. He can't shut off those feelings any more than you could drum up real desire for him when you never could feel that way before. It just doesn't happen. I suppose there can be one couple who goes against nature here, a fluke of nature, but in general, this doesn't happen, falling for someone you have no chemistry with. The married couples without chemistry, thought that their friendship love was as good as the romantic sexual love, or thought it actually was, because they had never experience the real thing. That is not what I am talking about when I say you can't make chemistry appear. It is either there, buried maybe, waiting to come out or not. Instead of love at first sight, there are loves where it starts as a small ember slowly growing bigger til there is a flame and eventually a blazing fire, the same blazing fire others may have felt the first time they met their sweetie. It is just as strong. However I am guessing if your friendship is only months long, you were already dating the other guy when he wanted to become your friend. He had to know you had a BF. If he truly did not have feelings, then they developed over the months. I feel it is more likely that like many men will do, they befriend the girl first, give her a chance to see what he is like as a male so they might become drawn to, admire, like and later love them. There is a chance that this is what he think and told you since you didn't pick up on it.
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