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Friend is secretly mean
Recently a new girl moved to our school. I became friends with her, and she seemed really nice. My sister is friends with her sister, and one day the new girl's sister caught the new girl talking bad about my sister behind her back. My sister wants me to stop talking to her, but I don't want to create conflict. If I create conflict, my friends might stop talking to me. What should I do?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
You know, sometimes doing the good thing outweighs the consequences. There might be more consequenses if you continue to be close friends with her. I personally had a friend who did the same, and I chose to drift a little bit away in order to protect my reputation, myself, and the good I believed in. It's hard sometimes (especially if it might damage your popularity, etc) but I always choose to keep my distance from people who might harm me. And if people leave you because of it, then they must not have been the best of friends, either. Your true friends will stick with you, and who knows, maybe you'll meet great people because of it. You can still talk with her and stuff, but my advice is to keep your distance, and make it clear to her or others (if brought up) that you do not affiliate yourself with gossip and such. Good luck!!
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what you didn't say is how your sister heard this. My guess is she knows the sister of the new girl, maybe is even friends with her, but the sister told your sister what her older sister said.
People do tend to say things behind peoples backs. I remember that from HS. I was the oldest, a SR. my sister a Soph. and she was friends with two girls I'll name Terri and Jessie. Jessie was a Jr. One day they both came to our house to see my sister and when they left, my sister told me that Jessie had said she hated my guts. Funny thing is, though I'd seen her at school, I had never spoken to her or interacted in any way so there is no way she could really know if she liked me or not. Hating a person is a pretty strong emotion, so that or anything lesser said about your sister is just most likely, inappropriate words. When people are young and still in School, we haven't matured much yet and in expression ourselves can use words that do not really fit the situation.
What I know from my experience and have seen it through adulthood, is that there will always be people you meet, or if you haven't, just in observing them on a frequent basis, maybe its another person who goes to the same coffee shop the times you do, and just from observing a persons behavior, you can pick up some things about them that you know you would not like or maybe not tolerate in someone who is a friend. The thing is, most the time, the person one can't stand is not that well known in the first place and the person making a judgement doesn't really know the person enough to make such a strong statement and is only reacting to one or two things they see. I am 60 and even I find I meet people, like at a Starbucks coffee and eventually just being friendly and saying hello, lead to her talking to hubby and I more. I can list off three things about her that irritate me. But I had nothing to balance things out, things that I might liike about her until more recently, she has paid attention to things I like or have interest in and have shared or pointed out or sent me pics in Facebook she knew I'd appreciate. No, she could never make a real close, best friend, but there is enough about her that shows me she is a caring person even with her quirks. The trouble is when young we don't understand that. And I'll bet in 10 or more years, this new friend of yours won't feel the same about your sister because she grew up and matured. I don't understand why the sister felt it important to pass on news that would be hurtful to your sister. I guess the ugly, nasty, bad stuff still catches peoples interest more than good ones.
I did not feel bad about hearing that girl hated me. I knew it was the wrong description and that she likely didn't like something about my personality. That is all it was and usually is for everyone who hears such things said about them or say it about others. I didn't ask my sister to stop associating with them because other than that one issue, they seemed to be decent teens. Now if they were into drugs or petty theft, I'd have warned my sister away and if she didn't stop,, tell the parents because I cared about sis. You haven't shared that there is anything bad like that about the new girl, just that she doesn't like your sisters personality. I don't know how long you've known New girl, but in life when making new friends, even in dating, we tend to want to impress and be our best, especially so if the new person in a school and subsconsciously a person like this Newbie will put their best foot forward, avoid any negative behavior that is true to them,show you what they think the kids at your school would like. After a while, the person pretending to be someone they are,'t just to make a friend or get a date to fall for them, will stop and switch back to their real selves which may not resemble who you thought them to be. It takes too much energy to keep up a false persona too long so I am just giving you this info as a warning in case after a few more weeks or about 2 months or so, she begins to show a person who is very negative or a wild one who goes against all the rules, gets in trouble, is mean to many, maybe even a bully, etc... If she does become the type of kid your mother wouldn't want you associating with, then that should be the reason you stop talking to or spending time with her. She was thoughtless as was her sister in passing on hurtful stuff to your sister, but that does not mean you should stop talking to her. Just know that until she matures, your sister isn't the only one she'll say stuff about that isn't all that nice and even you as a friend may find her saying things about you to other friends when you are not around. You wouldn't let that stop you from being friends with her, right? You just will know that she can't be trusted to be a close friend because a true close friend would not treat their friends like this. So watch closely and decide for yourself whether months from now, this new gal is still someone you want to be friends with. If not, you tell her that you feel you don't have enough in common to be friends with her so you won't be hanging out with her. Then you choose to not go out of your way to see or talk to her. If you pass her in a hall or on the sidewalk, it would be childish to pretend you didn't see her and ignore her. All you have to do is look at her, connect eyes and say Hi but keep going. You acknowledge she exists but the fact that you aren't friends won't have changed.
So have a talk with your sister. Show her my answer. You care enough about her feelings or you would not have written me. If talking behind a back and its not nice, and that is the only offense, it is not time to break off contact with the Newbie yet. For your sister, I know she hurts but it is only because she knows about this one thing said by one person. If each of us could know what 'unflattering' things are said in private when we are not around on a daily, weekly or monthly basis and by how many people these things are being said, then a person who finds their worth in the adoration of other people will crumble up and want to go crawling into a dark place to hide and never come out for the rest of their lives. I know people must talk about me plenty and I d on't know what they say but I can just imagine. I have caught people staring at me right after I have laughed aloud at something someone said when out in public. I love to laugh and enjoy making others laugh. When I get the stare, I realize I got their attention not because I laughed but due to something else, maybe I was louder than most the people nearby, or my laugh sounded strange to them. When a couple gets home they could easily be saying to each other, 'That lady at the restaurant tonight was obnoxiously loud, wasn't she? ' or "The lady at the park had such a strange sounding laugh, it was like finges on a chalkboard to me. Boy am I glad you don't laugh like her, Honey." Is that talking behind a persons back. Yes and no. We are talking about a person, often someone we barely know or don't know at all. I know this happens as I do it all the time, just between my Husband and I. He or I will comment something to each other and usually its because we are so grateful that neither of us is like something that irritates us about some other person. Just a few days ago, hubby was emotionally drained after helping an older woman who is homeless and friends with us as she went through car trouble and other stuff and truly she did need a friend to lean on and due to the subject matter, car trouble, my husband and a friend of his helped her as much as they could in many ways others than just looking at or working on the car. But something about how she repeats herself, tone of voice, how she kept having to feel she had ask what they were doing all the time, or telling them what to do when she knows even less than them about cars, etc...all of it is nothing like me, I am not drama Queen at all, his ex was, I can be quiet and content, his ex was always complaining and upset or riled up, and all it is, is realizing how grateful that our mates are just the way they are because they don't have the irritating traits of the other person. The other person may not be irritating to 90% of all humans, just the few. This is how it usually is. That is why in attraction for couples, a guy or gal is not going to feel attraction to every single gal/guy they see or meet, only a few. It works the same for who you enjoy or not for friends or even acquaintences. I am hoping your sister can change how she decides to believe about this situation. We either let others define us, or we decide to define ourselves. If we know what we are, who we are but someone else doesn't see that, so what, they are only 1 of the 10 percent who would never enjoy being a friend of yours anyways. They are the monority, not the majority when it comes to what people think of you and how many like you or at least admire from a distance. I wish it was that people when having a good or nice thought about some one, that they would speak up and tell the person right then. I wish it happened like this and all you or your sister ever hear is like tons of compliments from tons of people. Sadly, the world isn't that way, maybe your sister or you would like to do that and start a new trend? Even with adults much older than you, I still see hesitance to step out and do something different, something that is good. I saw a Mom with 4 kids with her grocery shopping. I had 3 and remember herding them inside and keeping them on good behavior. I watched how she had interacted with her children and when I left, she was already at her car, loading groceries. I had even said to my husband, "That lady reminds me of myself when I was out in public with all my kids. She's great at it." So I walked up and told her this flattering thing I was thinking about her. (see how we're taking the focus off of thinking of a negative trait of a person but looking for the good?) So I tapped her on the shoulder and told her how impressed I was with observing her with her children. I'll bet no one has ever said that to her before in all her years as a mother. Maybe a relative, maybe a friend but never a stranger. And from someone you don't know, someone who didn't have to say anything but did, in a way that has always meant more to me than compliments from family and friends with the exception of my 2nd husband, I love his compliments most of all. You could call this campaign to say nice about people to offset all the hurting a few do by talking behind peoples backs. Your sister knows how it feels, you understand and care because you love your sister but still want to keep the gal as a friend. Often in life, when we experience something bad, ugly, scary, terrible, we can either choose to feel like a victim which means our life was affected in a bad way by someone. A pedestrain hit by a car and crippled for life is a victim of an accident that changed their life in a bad way. Or we can choose to be a survivor and even more...an overcomer. When someone has 'survived' something bad, even if a small thing like someone saying bad stuff about you, you are called a survivor if you did not let the information you got, change and impact your life. I chose that with the story I told of the girl who hated me. I was surviving this. I became then an overcomer, not just unaffected internally but it, but realizing The best thing to combat bad is good, to combat the dark, the light, to combat unkind words, uplifting words. Just maybe, your sister experienced this so she could know how bad it can feel to hear this, but your stopping seeing the girl who said unkind things of your sister, is not going to change how she feels. What she is looking for is the right reaction to it all and is doing what even I used to think, only way one, how everyone would answer, that you stop seeing the girl. Only your sister can decide to believe or not believe that you seeing the girl means you don't like your sister anymore. It is not you who made her feel that, She decided how she would feel. We have to own our feelings and cant blame anyone outside of us. Our experiences will shape how we feel about certain things, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But opinions will vary simply because we are all different, not carbon copies of each other. So maybe this is meant to spark an interest in your sister, even you too, to start something new, saying kind things to people. You've heard of 'Paying it Forward,' where someone does a kind thing for you and instead of paying them back by doing the same to them, you are supposed to do the same thing that was done for you, to someone else you don't know. In that situation, it's not waiting for someone to focus on you to do their paying it forward deed on, someone has to start it first, and you could do it, start it by paying compliments, what you truly feel, to people. If you can't think of anything you like about a person, don't say anything nice to them because it wouldn't be true. People pick up the silent signals, not the words said. Like a radio picks up energy waves, people pick up on vibrations or energy coming from a person and something said can feel insincere if what they are picking up on is that you don't really mean the nice thing you said. Call it Don't Deflate, Elevate. Deflate is for the bad practice of saying unflattering unkind, confidence destroying words about someone, or simply passing on the info to the victim. The 'Elevate' stands for choosing to say things to people that will build them up, make them feel better about themselves, basically feeling up, and elevate is about raising up something, and that something which is being raised up, is peoples self confidence and view of themselves. We feel good when people notice our good points, traits.
I hope my words have stirred your sister into action, wanting to raise up the feelings of others who may have heard, like she once heard, something bad said behind their backs. She could be responsible for saving the quality of others lives by showing them that not all people will see them in a bad way. Thats only a very few people. Most strangers are even more tolerant and okay with a wide variety of personalities. It is only a few, and I can state this from experience, that only a few people are stand offish, avoid me, or reprimand me for whatever irked them. And those few don't matter. I want to focus on, and suggest your sister also focus on how many people like her and have said so in the past or done special things for her because they like her. That number will always be greater than the number of people who dislike her. In my experiences, that is always how it turns out to be.
If either of you feel the need to share any further on the subject, I would be happy to help.
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