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I hate a girl In my friend group that I am living with next year
Hi,
I need some advice on my current situation. Next school year I am living with a girl (this upcoming june the lease starts) I am going to be living with my friend group and this girl I hate, lets call her sara. Sara is very egotistical and constant bragging about herself. She is an extreme control freak and thinks she is always right. She is also very manipulative and I recently found at she has been saying really mean things about my appearance and intelligence (she is not herself in anyway perfect either). After finding this out I couldn’t imagine having to speak to her ever again, she is abroad with my best friend so I haven’t confronted her about it in order to protect my friend.Myself and my friend both do not like sara. She has not signed the lease on the house because she refused to. I am not sure how to approach getting her to leave the house because I am horrified of her but l know living with her will be miserable. One of the 6 girls that will be living in the house, although doesn’t know sara well likes her, the rest do not know her well but fear her. Please help. I feel bad and afraid about trying to get her to leave. I just don’t know how to confront her due to her personality and behavior.
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If she won't sign a lease, she has no legal right to demand that she can live with you all. Also, as you said, only 1 of 6 girls likes her. I assume you are counting yourself as one of the six. That would mean other than Sara, 5 can decide whether she stays or never lives there. That means it will be Four against one in favor of her not staying. She sounds like a person who forced herself upon the rest of you, because she was wanting friends but has no idea how to be a friend or friendly. So she may not have many, or any friends because of what she's like. This is my guess as I have heard this scenario many times before. The reason she is part of your friend group, even though she is technically not a friend, is because every one else had backbone and said, go away, leave us alone, I don't want to associate with you. A nicer way would be to say, we don't have anything much in common with you so we don't want to hang out with you any longer. It's possible you are exaggerating how bad she is. But I don't think so if you sought out an advice column for this.
Believe me, I understand this very well. Hubby and I have decided to live out of our van to save on expensive rents. There really is no place we could afford unless both of us worked two jobs which is ridiculous since in a handful of years we will retire and be in a worse spot. So we tend to run into a lot of homeless people living out of their vehicles. Its like we are the lantern and they are the moths because they all seem to be attracted to us and force theirselves on us and call us theier friends. Some have social disabiliites and after a while with no break from them, as they know the usual places they can find us, it gets tiring. One guy was always scheming, asking to borrow money, get rides to places. We tend to be kind and will do so a couple times but then we get taken advantage of and are at the point we have to tell the person we no longer want anything to do with them. The one guy is an ex-felon and he would drive around the area looking for our van and then knock on the windows, months after hubby told him on the phone we never want to see him again and we had to threaten to call the police. He left but after we had called and the police said that there is such a thing as being able to file a nuisance complaint against a person and if they come within a certain amount of distance from you, you can call the cops and they will come and get them.
He knows this now and has stayed away. Sometimes it takes a drastic measure like this if telling a person that you no longer want to associate with them but they ignore you.
So I recommend that all of you talk when Sara is not around. Remember, you have the law on your side if she becomes nasty and vindictive. I know you said the others are afraid of her. Although I am in the dark as to why. What hold does she have over you. Does she know some things about each of you that you don't want known and she'd blackmail you to allow her to stay or blurt out all this stuff and get you all in big trouble? If she has nothing on any of you, there is no need to worry. You 5 only need to agree that if a 6 th person is needed to help cover rent, that you all start advertising that and getting someone else and tell Sara you all voted and she is out because she just doesn't fit in. If you all say nothing, guess what happens when its time to study hard for tests, and such, you will all be too miserable to be able to concentrate when there is no peace at home. Are all of you going to travel to separate coffee houses to try to get studying done and hope she doesn't follow you like a lost puppy that has an unpredictable side and bites? Home should be a safe harmonious place. Many people though grow up in homes that are not like that, I know. But as young adults, you don't have to put up with that and can decide to do your best to have a happy friendly place for home. It will not be that if she lives with you. This confrontation must happen so she knows she is out, and you can tell her that her refusing to sign the lease is an issue but not the main reason why you all don't want to live with her. Love yourselves enough to not subject yourselves to living with someone who doesn't treat you right. I lived just shy of 30 years with ex husband who was verbally abusive. Finally God got through to me, saying I had a choice. He knew I was a nice person, the peace maker, so I put up with a lot but the stress wore on my physical health. So maybe you can handle a month or two but as time goes on, the stress of living with someone who is not nice to you will have its effect on each of you. Stress has to go somewhere and it will...either emotionally or physically. For me, I can tell you that daily headaches were my most common physical symptom from stress with about 3 migraines per year. As time went on, I got itchy stress rashs over most my body that came and went and came back gain, I got ulcers in the stomach. The next biggies I didn't want to wait for are Cancer and Heart issues, both which can be caused by stress. My Mom got cancer from a stressful 2nd marriage and died. I didn' want to end up like that. I left him. Five of you can not leave the place you are going to rent. Find another person who is much nicer and looking for a place to live who will sign the lease and be dependable as well.
what I don't understand is your friend traveling abroad with Sara if she doesn't like her. My guess, she was too scared to say, I want to go by myself and don't want you to tag along. If all of you don't learn to grow some balls to stand up to her, then you will have a life like this till the day you all die because there are plenty of people in the world who look for the wimpy, shy, scared people who will not stand up to them. Why would Sara choose to hang out with people who make life miserable for her because they won't put up with her personality and behavior and don't consider her a friend.
I went looking for back up on what I am saying and found it here so read this:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
As the writer says, the actions of the unwanted person who forced themselves on others, should throw up red flags. This type of person will continue to do so until they are confronted.
I like this part: "Particularly if you share walls or floors with the offender in an apartment, townhouse, or condo building, how you handle these types of offenses is very important. It's always best to attempt at least one or two honest and tactful discussions about your boundaries and what is causing you stress or inconvenience. Any adult that truly gives a hoot will hear you out and make an effort. Those that don't can and should suffer a taste of their own medicine or be ignored in my humble opinion."
Now I hope you caught that her recommendation is for after you end up with a person like Sara simply as a neighbor in the apartment building, the next door house, and so on. She doesn't even cover willingly allowin such a person to live in the same living space. YOu will understand if you have read her story. She is talking about the stress already of just a neighbor you share a wall with in a condo or apartment or the same floor in a building. You know that woman would never consider what the group of you are doing which is simply not speaking up and allowing her to have her way and force her presence on you all and actually living with you, not next door or in the same building but in the same place as you. I hope you see how crazy this is, to know you are allowing her to invite herself to be part of this. The stress of thinking ahead to living with her has already caused you to write here for help.
The writer said a couple times that you have nothing to feel guilty about in confronting such a person because they are in the wrong and you have the right to say you don't want to associate with them. It will be easier if all of you do it together for moral support and let her know that if she ever dares to approach any of you again, that all of you will go to the local courthouse and file a nuisance order on her so she can no longer come around unless she wants to be picked up by the police and go to jail if she continues to break that nuisance order. This works like a restraining order where a woman is being harassed by a man who stalks her or a previous BF or husband who has beaten her and she is afraid for her life. You are adults and can't wait for someone older to bail you out of this situation and handle it for you. I know its hard to do the first time but it will get easier and it is part of learning how to do things an adult needs to do sometimes. Pretty much most the people I know have at least once in their life had someone force themselves on as a 'so called friend' when they were not wanted at all. Lastly, in case you have warped ideas of what a friend is, a friend would not talk behind your back, despise you or talk badly about you. A friend is sweet,, encouraging, supportive of your talents and goals, gives you compliments and listens to you when you have issues and need someone to listen, etc. So without having met Sara, I can tell you that she is not a friend. She is more like a leech who forced her presence on you.
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