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HELP! MY BEST FRIENDS ARE FRENEMIES!!!
Dear Reader,
Hello. Right now, in middle school, I have 3 friends. We used to hang out a lot together, but one of my friends don't want to hang out with my other two friends. My friend is sensitive and kind, so I know how this feels for her. My other two friends are crazy fun and they cuss. A lot. I really want to hang out with my friend, but every time I say hi to her or stop by, my other two friends follow me. I just really want to hang out with my friend alone. I'm not sure if my friend dislikes me, because every time I ask her if she's mad at me, she says no. I love all my friends dearly and I do not want to break our friendship. Should I be her friend, or should I not be her friend and be my other friends' friend?
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First, I'd like to explain something about friends, or even dating relationships later, and that would be regarding liking people for different traits in personality. You can like people who are total opposites, have nothing in common. I will try even better. YOu be letter C, the sensitive friend is A, and the other two are B's. C should not have to decide between being friends with A or B's. C can like A for being sensitive and kind and thoughtful and sweet. Then for excitement, she can like the B's for being more out there, louder, taking risks, willing to go past boundaries or break the rules or simply talk potty talk all day. All you get older, at some point in life, you will decide which type of friend personality suits you better. I had friends in Middle and HS that were not as close to me because we were so very different. I was closest with those more like me so it is easy to see why you may prefer being with A without the B's around. Very likely, there is more of what she is like, within you rather than what the other two are like.
In school,where you are on public property, anyone can be there and go where they wish, so if the B's are following AC, they can't be stopped. But they can choose to understand you want to see A and Bs separately. So this would mean finding time to spend with A away from school, like on weekends After homework unless you both have same classes and wish to study together.
When there is a delicate situation like this, I will lie, to keep from hurting the feelings of people. In such a case, I feel that the ultimate concern of wanting to protect others in that way is the higher level or goal so lying in this case is not a horrible thing.
The lie I usually tell when trying to keep peace between opposing people, those wanting you to take sides or having to gently corrrect one person who is doing something destructive to my relationship with her. People do not like being corrected by their peers or others even younger than them. It feels embarassing. So I feel if you make the issue about you, as in you are the one with the problem, then no one is hurt and you should be able to get what you want, private time with A and with B's.
Here is how I envision such a conversation. You can say whatever your 'made up' issue is but this is one example: To the B's you say, "Hey, I 'm gonna be brave and share something. Maybe you can help me. You know that both A and you B's are friends with me. I don't know if you see it but it is very obvious to me that she and you are very different types of people and I like you all for your different traits for my own reasons. The problem is that I get anxious and up tight when I spend time hanging with all of you at the same time. It is irritating to me because I feel like I want to act more like you when I hang around you B's but when I hang with A at the same time, and her being so different, I keep flopping back in forth in my mind, thoughts and actions of more like her, more like you and it just gets to me. So I would like to ask that I spend time only with you two or her, not at three at the same time as I can't handle it."
Teens have so many phobia's naturally at this age and older that it will sound plausible and they won't figure you are making this up. You want them to understand if they see you with A, that they automatically not join in. If they see you with her but need to talk to you for a minute, like arranging when to see you later, and you ask them to stop you and say, hey can I talk to you for a minute, share whatever it is, and then release you to go back to A and they leave the two of you.
You don't have to say anything to A. I would counsel you don't because if she is a sensitive touchy feely type, she may take offense to you making up a fib. Best to play the one with the issue, keep everyone happy to still be friends with you and you getting what you want. Now is not the time to choose between friends but think about what you like and don't like in friends. YOu will use the same technique when dating, as to what traits you like and don't like in a bf. If there is reason to break up, you never settle for the next person being the same or a step worse than your ideals. Instead you always go for a step better. If you start dating a guy and after a short while you see things in him you don't like and you've only been together a week or longer, the best excuse, (another lie to protect you from those with anger problems) is telling the guy something about you as an issue rather than him. I have done this after a divorce, when dating, as an adult and it works great. I simply say, I am sorry, now that I've spent time in your presence, as nice as you are, I don't feel any chemistry with you so I am going to have to end this. Guys are able to process this reason without becoming emotionally out of hand. If you say they just don't meet your standards, you will not only hurt their feelings but may make them angry and retaliative. Remember in life, If you have to lie,, let it be only for a good reason and it usually has to do with keeping a good relationship with one person or keeping two forces from fighting each other. Good luck Hon.
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