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Birthday Trouble
I am going to be turning twenty-six on March 16. For my birthday, I have an entire weekend of activities planned for my birthday. Anyway, I used my Christmas money to buy tickets for Justin Timberlake’s Man of the Woods Concert at Oracle Arena in Oakland on Friday, March 15 at 7:30 PM. However, m parents do not want me to attend the concert because my birthday is the next day and I am going to be meeting up with some friends of mine in Monterey and San Jose the next day. Despite this, I would still like to attend the concert. I gave eye xtra tickets to a couple friends of mine so we can all go to the concert together, but now I may have to sell my ticket to my friend’s parents. Another reason why my parents do not want me to attend the concert is because a lot of Justin Timberlake fans are African American and my parents fear that I am going to get beat up or killed if I go to the concert. I do like Justin Timberlake, but I already have a lot planned for my birthday. What should I do about this situation?
On my actual birthday, I am going to be seeing Shrek the Musical in Mountain View with my parents, my former neighbor, my father’s coworker, and her two daughters. However, I have started a relationship with my high school Spanish teacher’s son, who will be turning forty on March 20. He and his sons have expressed interest in seeing the play with me. He said that he would reimburse me if I gave him the extra tickets, but I have no more extra tickets available. What should I say to Johnny when March comes? I would like to see Johnny again, but I do not want to disappoint him. Please let me know what you think I should do.
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You are an adult. You became an adult legally at 18. That would close to it. If your parents still pressure you to do things their way or insist and make your life miserable until you cave in, then I doubt it's happening only for your birthday but its been going on quite some time. This sounds like a case of the parents taking control over an adult childs life. Their reasons for not wanting you to go are flimsy and don't even make any sense. The only place that can be dangerous and even then it has no bearing on the race background of those in attendance, is the mosh pit. I took my two school age kids to a Christian concert and to the front where they could see the singer. I figured it would be safer, being a Christian concert but I was in danger of being knocked down while trying to shield my daughters from being trampled or hurt and the guards at the front invited us come inside the roped off area by the stage to keep us safe. I will never enter a mosh put again. And there weren't any African Americans there, just white people. So if you avoided the mosh pit, you'd probably be fine. Apparently your parents have issues with the friends you choose if they don't want you to visit them. If they have rap sheets, are drug dealers, drunk most the time, etc. then I can understand and it is good that they care if thats the case. But if they just don't like the personalitys, thats too bad. You need to learn on your own what good friends are and friends of todays time are not going to look like or sound like the friends they had when they were your age. I have to remind myself of that with my grown kids in late twenties and into thirties. I am not saying that I get worried or alarmed over some choices my kids make. But the parenting and training part of a parents job is over. All a parent can do now is be available as your sounding board, and that means if you ask them for their perspective on an issue or descision you are facing, only then can a parent rightfully tell you what they think. If you have not asked them for advice, then it is unwanted. I have tried asking my kids if they would like me to share some of my perspectives on (the subject at the time) trying to get permission to share with them and they have always said no. The only way your parents can hold such control over you is because you gave control of your life away to them. It can be stuff one wouldn't dream a parent tries to influence but where you go to relax, what friends you have, who you are dating and who you choose to marry, what college you go to, what part of town you live in if not with the parents, and on and on These are decisions you should be making for yourself, even if you are not making the best decisions because you lacked input from asking for advice. It is good you are asking now. I have a daughter who is a wonderful person but clueless when it comes to some things. When she heard that her Dad took her younger married sister, husband and child to a weekend in a snowy tourist town, she whined and complained, "Why didn't you invite me?" The answer my son in law gave was,"There wasn't any room." Which is true. It didn't compute with her and she started with "But ...." and he quckly said, "We didn't think you'd like being strapped to the roof and its probably not legal. All seats in the little car were taken and there wasn't room inside. You probably are not clueless as my daughter because you are at least writing in for advice.
Sounds like what they want to do on your birthday is something mostly of their choices with guests that are only their choice. Didn't sound like you had any friends invited. I will assume the parents bought the tickets to the musical. If so, unless you can somehow come up with the extra money on your own to pay for your ticket, Johnny and how ever many sons, IF tickets can still be bought that is, then do it. If it can't be done, let the guy know it is too late to get extra tickets. As for the concert, tell the parents this is something of your choice, and you will be going. If they feel any better, you can send them quick texts through out your time at the concert. A simple "I am still okay." would suffice but you will not be answering them if they text you during the concert. Then I would let them know I will be visiting my friends as well. But thank them for their concern. It is proof that they love you and are concerned for your welfare, no matter how they show it in a 'not so good way.' Basically you have to grow some backbone and thank them for their perspective or concerns but it is your life and you are going to make your own decisions. This does not go against the commandment to Honor your Father and Mother. It is hard for a parent to no longer treat adult children as they did when they were minors. It is hard and many never make the transition to the totally different relationship as far as their role now and how to interact if there is no teaching or correcting needed. They will need to be made aware of this if they persist if you stand your ground. If they whine and cry and throw a fit and say you're being difficult, it is not you but them out of line and acting like kids. Yes, it happens sometimes. In which case, I would suggest turning to a trust adult relative, and aunt or uncle who you know understands the con cept I share of how to deal with adult children properly and have them talk to your parents to set them on the right tract. If they simply can't see you as an adult and not treat you as one, they are doing a great disservice. One day they will be dead and you will still be an adult without any idea how to be an adult and make decisions because they made them all for you.
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