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My boyfriend’s family does not want him to date me because I am not Muslim
We are in our 20s and don’t know what to do. The only option given to me is for me to convert to being muslim. It sucks because he does not want to let down his parents and wants his parents to accept me. If they find out he is still speaking to me, they would arrange a marriage for him and force him to marry whomever they choose. They even told him if I decide to convert my whole family basically would have to do the same or do whatever is “halal” like his family. Which I think is nonsense cause my family would never do such a thing. I really feel like his parents just don’t want him with me...There has to be another way to get through this. Yes, conversion is a big step to take in my life but I really do love him and can picture and fully be okay with having a future with him. I really don’t know what to do...I really can’t and do not want to lose him. Someone please help
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Let me ask you this. How far are you willing to go for this relationship? Are you willing to change yourself for this relationship? Your parents will not convert, and his parents will not approve. In the future, even if his parents eventually consent to you being with him, they still will not like you. Are you willing to live your life feeling like your not enough for your boyfriend or maybe future husband's family? And the most important part. How far is he willing to go for you? Is he willing to go against his parents' wishes for you? And even if he does, are you willing to be with him knowing that you possibly caused him to lose his family? If he chooses you, he will possibly lose his family, and your relationship will be strained. If he chooses his family, your relationship will end. So choose for him. How many things are you willing to sacrifice to be with him? I say if his family can't see that you're perfect the way you are, then they don't deserve you. And while it may feel like staying friends with him is a better option than losing him completely, that is not true. It will only cause more pain. I'm sorry but, there is no in-between for your solution. If you decide to break it off with him, break it all off. Grieve, and move on.
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I'll make this short and bittersweet; walk away now before the hurt grows to big.
Your parents will not accept him and his parents will never accept you. This would put a huge strain on any relationship. In the end you will end up hating each other. Walk away now while you can still remain friends.
You're 20 something; there are plenty of fish in the sea. Rebate your hook and start dating others. This man is not your Price Charming he is still out there waiting to meet you.
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All I can say is that obviously, his family is very strict as I have only heard that a Muslim person was able to marry a non muslim who converted but their family didn't have to. I really do not know or understand all their rules, nor do I want to learn as I know I would never want to be in that position.
Since your family will not change how they believe, then it sounds like there is no way it will work. He would have to be willing to be cut off from his family, disowned and shamed for choosing to be with you and marry you. After 18, a person is an adult and should be making decisions on their own, following their own heart, not the wishes or demands of parents. So it may be that your BF, does not really want to convert or even compromise, because he knows what he faces if he disobeys the laws his family follow as Muslims.
I will say this about choosing ones partner, After a divorce, I was looking for a new husband. the first husband I married at 20 and assumed he was a good guy cus he attended church. A pastor coined the following phrase in a lesson of his. "Just because you find a mouse in your cookie jar, that doesn't make him a cookie." So you can't assume all is as it seems and all is what you expect. He was sweet for about a month after marriage and then turned into a horrible person who was verbally abusive to me the entire marriage until I left after 30 years and it took him 8 more years to be ready to agree to divorce.
So after the divorce I was not meeting the opposite of him, a real good guy, as there were plenty who I caught in lies early on, or those who pretended to be someone they were not, ones with a temper that showed up only when they thought I was smitten with them. A guy tends to think they can get a female to put up with a lot up crap all in the name of love. And sometimes, they say the words but have no idea how to truly love a woman, or anyone people outside of a couple relationship. I met so many I got frustrated and prayed and told God if He couldn't send me someone, even an advanced being from an alien planet, that I would not marry again or even date. I got an answer in prayer, to make a list of the qualities I wanted in a man. These had to have things so important to me that if not present in the man, then that was a deal breaker. The example I give other when illustrating this principle is that if you want children and he does not ever want even one child, then that is a deal breaker. If he is one religion and you are another and he will not accept you having your own beliefs but pressuring you to convert, then that is another example of a deal breaker.
I assume you believe there is a God but are not very involved in church or any particular traditional religion or are perhaps just somewhat spiritual. If you really had a true relationship with God/Jesus and don't hold as tightly to being a denomination member like Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran for example, then a person who has such a relationship will always believe that and can not be swayed to adopt ways of what you know and believe that may be very contrary to your own. It could be simply that you still believe what you believe but put on the act, doing all the things a muslim woman does, doing the customs and rituals to their satisfaction. But you would be doing an act to make these people happy. I highly doubt that you would truly be able to agree whole heartedly with all their beliefs if in your heart you know differently.
This is why I put on my list of must haves in a man, that he be open minded to allow me to believe as I do and not want to convert me to anything else. He had to be a spiritual person not religious. Religion to me is more of the scaffolding to help a person learn how to navigate the particular belief, but it is all about your actions, not what your heart believes and has absolutely nothing to do with a persons relationship with God, or shall I say their Heavenly Father.I didn't understand until I grew older, and learned to think for myself rather than believe without questioning all I was told in church. I'll give an example, when a volcano erupted and buried a whole village of people who had never had the benefit of a missionary coming there to preach about Jesus, I asked several pastors, if they believed those people would go to Hell because they never had a chance to accept Jesus. They couldn't answered and some said yes and that's why its important to send missionaries out into the world. No one ever said God would talk to you and accept current vernacular/speech and that he has a sense of humor. I have experienced that humor and God speaking little things into my mind that were funny, just to make me laugh, I find that so precious, and it did what it was supposed to do, help me see Him as more real, very real. Because I know who my heavenly Father is, there is no way anyone could ever make me ignore him and except someone elses belief of a different God Allah, who isn't really a diffent God, its the same God who created people who believe a different way or even an imperfect or wrong belief. But the God they describe is one they have misinterpreted or created in their own minds and from the little I have read on Muslims, their God does not resemble my heavenly Father at all. I hope you put some major research into this all before blindly accepting to go along with their beliefs. There will be some things they don't tell you at first, same thing as in any faith, the stuff they know if much harder to convince a person of or get them to understand it or pretend to even if they don't.
My suggestion would be to walk away from him if he will not leave his family or choose to be with you without you converting and despite his family never speaking to him for the rest of his life. However, I highly doubt that will happen. Muslims and Christians seem to be the only group of religious people who both feel they are right and everyone else is wrong and therefore must come to belief their religion. So already there, you can see, both can not be right and one wrong. Just be careful hon, and don't accept something because you feel love, something you may regret later.
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