|
How to fix things w/ my parents after screwing up royally
I'm a sixteen year old high school girl (in a couple months I'll be 17). Some months back, shortly after getting my license, I was responsible for a car accident that severely injured the driver of the car I struck. The accident was due to me texting while driving. I walked away with a few bruises; he had to be taken away in an ambulance. After the police completed their investigation, I was charged with vehicular assault.
Soon I'll have to go to court to accept a deal we've reached w/ the prosecutor. The upside is it'll allow me to be convicted and sentenced as a juvenile. However, I'll have to spend 90 days locked up in the county juvenile detention center.
I own the fact that what I did was stupid and reckless and I know that I'm lucky it didn't end worse than it did. I also know that I totally deserve my punishment. I already plan on writing my victim a letter of apology from juvie if he's not in court to see me sentenced.
I don't know what to do about my parents though. I know they're extremely disappointed in me and I can't blame them. I just wish I knew how to start mending our relationship because I hate how things are between us now. All trust is lost. Any advice?
For whatever it may be worth, I'm really sorry about what I did. I promise I'll never do anything like that ever again.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I believe you dear. You did not have to volunteer all the detailed information. You did not have to admit to being at fault and sorry it happened and learning form your mistake. But you did do those things, and that is not the actions of someone who is not repentant and/or not wanting to better.
I know of adults who still text while driving, I see it all the time. Just yesterday we sat at a turn signal and the person in front was looking at their phone because they were not actually driving. Unfortunately, since not looking at the light, they missed it when it turned green and at the last second realized it had been green and turned through a red light, and we did not get to turn. Hubby was mad as he was driving. But we only had to wait for another light cycle till we could go, no biggie. However, if that person had hit someone who started and had the right of way, there would have been an accident. This is why many lights now are delayed to not turn green for the right of way person but is delayed in case people take risks going through intersections when they shouldn't.
So while there are reasons teens tend to do stuff more often that are bad decisions, I would say with you that it isn't necessarily your age but simply a feeling of, this couldn't possibly happen to me. Sure many take risks and text while driving and nothing happens to them but its like playing Russian roulette. That is when only one bullet is put into the chamber of a Revolver. A person spins the chamber and has no idea of whether a bullet is lined up with the barrel of the gun and pulls the trigger while holding it at their head. An empty click sounds and the gun is now passed to the next person. The odds are pretty good that the majority of people playing this, may not get shot but eventually, one person will die. People like games of odds. Playing the lottery, even though the odds of you winning are slim is another example. But in this game of odds, you can't possibly hurt anyone else or you can't hurt yourself to the possibility of death, but maybe at worst be tight on money or unable to pay a bill if you made a bad decision to spend a lot of money on lottery.
I say this all because these are things an adult, like your parents will be thinking. We too often forget anything dumb we did as kids and teens especially if nothing too bad happened or at least, not to the extent of what you did. My husband even told me when he was a teen, he gave a ride to someone who directed him what house to take him to He invited him to come inside and wait while he picked something up and came back out to be dropped off at home. First, hubby who was a teen then, did not know at first that this house was not his home until the man said he'd pick something up and asked him to wait. Hubby realized this was a high crime neighborhood and a couple of scary men looking like convicts, stepped out onto the porch and ignored his ride but started towards the car. Hubby didn't wait to see what would happen, he hit the gas in reverse not caring if he hit any parked cars and quickly sped out of there. He was shaking, realizing this was likely a drug dealer picking up stuff and his supplier wasn't all too happy about the dealer having chosen any innocent person to drive him there who could identify them and the address ever if need be. Hubby knew he got away with his life and he told me he never did anything stupid like that again. No more rides to people he did not know. He was too trusting in strangers until then. Perhaps you were too trusting in your ability to do two things at once.
I can only guess repercussions for you besides the parents loss of trust. Trust once lost takes an enormouse amount of time to rebuild, much longer than it was to gain originally. It is best you don't try to say things like, see how well I did this, see how responsible I was in that, because every person has their own time in which they regain trust. Simply do and be the kind of person they raised you to be. The trick to earning trust or regaining trust is to be consistent in who you are. I even looked for consistency when choosing a man to be my 2nd husband, I learned the hard way with the first. I learned he was totally inconsistent in everything he said or did. There was no pattern I could count on. Your parents will be looking for how you are consistent in good behavior before they allow themselves to trust again. At least, if they are normal rational adults they will trust at some point again whether it takes months or a year or two. If the parents are fairly dysfunctional people, I can't say that they may trust again, at least not until they forget the past.
That shouldn't be an issue but I mention it in case this is the one case where things don't go as I say.
You may no longer be allowed to drive a car or even have your own cell phone. If this is the case, it may last until you are legally an adult and can support yourself. At that point, if you are working and can pay all car costs, tabs gas, insurance, up keep and of course buying a phone and paying for the service, that may be the only way you will get your hands on a car or cell phone again. You are an adult at 18, but if still living under the parents roof, you will have to comply with their wishes regarding the house, like no playing loud music after a certain time, but if you pay your own phone car, and pay them a little for rent to cover costs of power, water, food, that is reasonable and they can't expect you to date whom they want or have any say in where you go to college if you are paying your own way.
For now, it may be best to assume they are watching what you do all the time, watching your every move. So whether watching or not, take the focus off yourself and what you did wrong, how you hurt an innocent person and focus on what good things you can do for others. This is what you can learn from what you did. I can list a few things to give you some ideas but I am sure you can find ways to help. Once in Juvie hall, if there is any way to go above and beyond the basics that are expected of you, do so. Many kids in there will not be repentant, only sorry they ended up in there and will continue to follow a bad path after they are out. Find ways you can help other teens in there as long as not outside the rules, and offer to help with tasks of the adult supervisors.
When out of Juvie hall, I am sure you will be continuing school. I know some HS allow older kids to take a period when there is no class to be a teachers helper. I did this both in middle school and HS. Remember that saying about 'Paying It Forward', it doesn't mean you pay a favor back to someone who paid you one but do it for someone else. I feel it works the same if you somehow hurt someone, you can't really do anything to pay the other driver back, but you can focus on doing the right thing, and kind things to help others. If there is a church in your area that offers meals to the elderly and homeless, you could volunteer there. Usually its retired people with the time to do such a thing but I have seen young people come occasionally where hubby and I volunteer every Tuesday to do this. Tutoring in school if great at one subject is a good way to help others, or if you ask at an elementary school to help sit with kids struggling to learn to read or spell, that is another way. While in School, it will be hard to find ways to invest much time to helping others, but it can be small things, helping a friend to carry something bulky, saying kind words to a cashier or barista who was just chewed out by a mean hearted customer for no reason. I do that all the time. There are many unhappy people in the world and doing whatever little thing you can do to offset mean hateful words will mean alot. Perhaps someone is shy and has few friends, I once was like that. I appreciated anyone brave enough to start conversation with me. Perhaps you know someone who is having a baby. You can't afford to buy them anything, but you can offer a couple nights of babysitting so the parents can go out and spend time keeping their relationship alive. I have heard of people who check in on their elderly neighbors from time to time to see how they are doing. Lets say you are running to the store to pick up a couple items and you go have a little chat, see how they are doing and in parting say you are going to the grocery and ask if there is anything you can pick up for them. They are too frail to get out, no longer drive, can't afford uber or a personal shopper and not coming to the point and making it the fist thing you ask won't make them feel bad and rather happy to have such a good neighbor willing to think of them. Maybe like a neighbor of my inlaws did, after a heavy snow, they simply started shoveling the path to their house and using rock salt to get rid of ice. They didn't ask to do it because they were on friend terms and knew them well enough that they would have said, you don't have to do that or simply say no. But I know how excited they were to tell me of a neighbor who simply did this. I hope this gives you the idea of what you can do to brighten someones life, band together with others in reaching a goal where you help a person or a group of people. All I can say is that people will start to take notice. Even guests in your parents home, if you ask if you can go refill their cup for them, even if its something they can do themselves, that is an action that parents will see as something good, especially if you never bring up that you are doing this to prove you have learned your lesson. Saying such things will negate your actiion because they will assume you are doing things only to get on their good side. If you do sweet little things like this, offering to help them with whatever they are doing, but not just them, other persons, they will take it all in and eventually realize that you grew up and matured and became a person worthy of their trust again. I hope this doesn't sound too fary tale-ish, but I can say with confidence that this does work. HOw long it will take, I can't say. But I hope you continue to do wonderful things to help your fellow man.
If in the future, some is not willing to trust you as soon as they learn of this accident when you were 16, even though it is way in your past, don't bother trying to prove yourself to those people, they arem't worth your time, even for a job. If they are mature enough to understand that a person is not defined by their past but who they are currently, only then have you found people worth hanging with and associating with.
I have never read such a story as yours before, so if it helps, I am very impressed by what you said and know you will grow up to be a decent adult.
]
More Questions: |