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Slept with friend help!
I slept with a friend last week. We are both kind of into each other. I knew I wasn't into him enough to be sleeping with him but its been a while and he assured me he wouldn't be weird about it.
So we did it and it was amazing sex but now I feel like I sort of got it out of my system and want to go back to just being friends (I know I know it sounds bad). We are part of a larger group of friends and one friend even asked me not to mess around with him unless Im serious so I don't mess up our group. Although it wasn't a wise choice I don't really regret it I just don't think it should happen again and really don't want anyone to find out about it. How to I tell him that was fun but we shouldn't do that again? P.S. it was pretty kinky sex which kind of makes it worse cause now we know A LOT about each other.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Most of the battle here is in your mind and how you are thinking about it. The only sentence I think I may not understand what you meant by is "We are both kind of into each other." That doesnt' sound like strictly friends. But either way, if both of you talked beforehand and agreed this was only about having sex and that there was no way you'd end up a dating couple, then you did right and don't have to say anything at all.
In case you don't know or are confused on the following, I want to go over the differences
between friends, friends with benefits and romantic couple as lovers.
The only difference between friends and a romantic couple is the romantic feelings for each other. I have to call it chemistry. If this chemistry is missing then there's only friendship and no sexual attraction. A happy stable romantic relationship isn't just about the romance and sex but the other half of the equation, a deep best friend connection as well. So now the question is 'what is the difference between a friend and friend with benefits. Not much. As you stated , you felt there wasn't enough connection to be sleeping with him, and you almost have that right, but I can explain that better. Say on a scale on one to five with one being friends and zero sexual attraction to 5 being the strength of attraction needed for a long term commitment or marriage, then a friend with benefits falls somewhere between like a 3, not enough to be a romantic couple, but actually enough to have sex. Without a little bit of chemistry, kissing a guy would feel gross like getting a romantic kiss from a male relative, Dad, brother, grandpa, etc. My face gets a grossed look every time I simply have to write that. Now I will tell you a story that hopefully explains this. When I left my ex and was living with a sister out of state, I happened to make friends with a school teacher just moved to the state and had no friends in the area yet. He was closer to my kids ages and I was late forties. So I felt the generation gap and couldn't have a meeting of minds, however in chatting he discovered we both play guitar and he was the first other musician type I met so we'd meet to play together. Eventually he proposed we become sexual and at first I said no but by now it had been a long time since I'd had sex and I had no boyfriend yet so as friends, we agreed it would be only for the sex. See, I feel comfortable enough and not grossed out so I knew there was a little chemistry, enough for sex but not enough for me to fall in love with him. this I assume is what you are feeling. As long as both are agreed going in, then there is no problem with having sex with a friend or repeating it until you have a permanent lover of choice in the picture at which point you say that the sex has to stop now that you've found someone. In fact, that is what happened a little over 2 months later. I met a guy who became a boyfriend while at the same time he met a gal his age and they began dating. He called me frantic because she wanted to meet me, his friend, not knowing about the benefits part and he asked if I wouldn't mention that as he knew she was a jealous type and didn't want to take the chance of messing it up. Later in the year, I traveled to stay with a daughter having a baby and even though he was dating and we were open about this having been only as friends and it couldn't be more, he had begun to have stronger feelings for me which he confessed in a way when he heard I was leaving to go stay with my daughter. I said something about him looking so gloomy and not happy for me to which he answered, You should know why. I can't be happy because I really want you in my life forever and can see myself with you til the day I die. That surprised me as he had not said anything along the way and was dating. I did leave and kept in touch a while. Some time later, he posted photos of a wedding where he married a woman also older than him. The reason I tell you this is that both of you had an agreement including his saying he wouldn't be weird about it. While not specifically stating this was only about sex and still wanting to be friends regardless, it is something.
the only thing I want you to ask yourself is if you are not considering him for a boyfriend simply because he is a friend? Many great relationships start out as best of friends and evolve into the romance shortly after. So you need to decide if he is more of an acquaintence, a casual friend or like one of your closest best friends. If he is close best friend, and the sex was amazing as you stated, then its a good recipe for a dating romantic relationship and you should not feel bad it started as friends. Many couples end up married who only have the sex or are best of friends but don't have the other half of what is important to a happy relationship.
On an aside, If you want to tell him you shouldn't do this again, males think fairly logically so He will need a solid logical reason why. So you need to search your mind for why you have a problem with this. If you feel things weren't explained clear enough before the sex, its not too late to tell him if he asks to meet you again soon for sleeping with him. If you know for sure the chemistry isn't strong enough for a romantic relationship, in which case the sex can be good but doesnt rock your soul, then you need to be clear that you don't feel strong enough romantic chemistry for a life long committed relationship or dating relationship but enough to make it work just for sex only with a friend. Restate that you only consider him a friend with benefits with no chance of that changing. So is he okay with that arrangement. If he is then go for it and have fun again. You can ask him to not reveal it to your friends but just by watching you both interact in the group, one or two may see that something has changed and guess correctly. One friend already has proved to be fairly alert to the nuances of what is going on between you two as far as some attraction. It isn't anyone elses call to say whether you can have sex or not even if not serious about the person for a long term/life long relationship. That decision is just between you two. If he agrees but sometime down the road falls for you and wants you as more than friend, as a wife perhaps, then you have to let him know that nothing has changed for you. It is up to each individual to let the other know if true feelings come into the picture as it is awkward for the one with feelings to hide it but also awkward for the other to know now how the other has felt for some time but not said anything. You could along the way periodically ask him if anything has changed in how he feels about you as whoever has feelings is not likely to want to share and spoil the relationship. As I said, the younger man fell for me but we couldn't go back to being just friends, even on social media. And I was no longer in his area to keep in touch. He eventually dropped me as a friend on line after a few months and I haven't heard of him since. So worst case scenerio hon, even with just the one time, since you can't erase that as never having happened, if he keeps thinking along the lines of how much he wants you in his life forever and developes feelings for you that you don't want to reciprocate, then most likely you will lose him as a friends because trying to pretend there's nothing up, won't work and the friendship will break up with one or the other of you leaving the group. Yes, that is a strong enough reason to compel a person to do such a thing and not see even their other friends. Since it's already in the past and has happened, even just once, this is your worst case scenerio. However, it may not happen. If it does and it's you instead with the feelings, don't be shy, you know the worst is leaving the group. But if he is keeping silent but has the same feelings, then you two get together as a couple. If you don't say anything, you may go your whole life wondering if his mind changed too from feeling you were a friend to more than a friend.
This is very possible dear. Some folks meet and its hot attraction and feelings for both right from the start. Others start as a little ember and it slowly grows hotter until it becomes a flaming love and it is no different than the one that was felt by others in the beginning. HOw one gets there, to feeling love is not what makes that love more valid.
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