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My married but separated friend is dating a married man! What do I do/say!?
My friend has 4 kids and is separated from her hubby because he cheated. She is now dating a married man she met through an online dating site. This man lives with his wife and kids. As far as I’m aware, his wife has no knowledge of his relationship with my friend. To top it off, my friend knows firsthand the pain, hurt and trauma inflicted on her and her 4 kids when her hubby cheated. I don’t see how she can turn around and do this to someone else! When she talks about how “sweet” and “wonderful” this new married man is, I literally feel sick. I don’t know what to say/do! I’ve been avoiding her phone calls and texts but I can’t continue this forever. Please, if anyone has some advice I’d really appreciate it. Thanks!
P.S. I’m a 37 y/o female. My friend turns 39 in December.
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You didn't spell it out clearly if 'SHE' knows he is a married man. All I can tell is that you somehow know he is married. If she doesn't know, then it would be a good thing to tell her. I met my husband through a dating site. But before I met him, I met 3 different guys who all ended up being married. One told me at the end of our first meetup. The others I found out by not taking no for an answer about visiting at his home. One for example used the excuse that he was renovating and the place was a mess. To which I replied that I was good at following instructions and not afraid to use tools and had helped a previous boyfriend with a renovation he did to one room of his house. The next day, he had turned off his profile, having spooked because he realized he couldn't pretend well.
If your friend knows and it is bothering you, just remember, you can't be her conscience. Unless she asks you, without any prompting from you what she should do, you can not give her any advice. Any unsolicited advice is not welcome advice. I know how hard it is because I have adult children and when I want to share something that could be done better, I ask if i could share my opinion on it and almost always they say no, so I have to bite my tongue.
Now what you could do is say something like, "I have been avoiding talking to you because I needed time to think of what to do regarding you as my friend." This will kind of explain why you haven't responded to her calls. Then next, you can tell her how you feel. This is something you can do as you are owning your own feelings, not trying to correct her and its a standard psychology move. So what you could say is, "I want to still be your friend but I need to let you know that what you are doing, the cheating with a married man after the husband cheated on you, it goes against the morals I hold so it disturbs me greatly when you talk to me about the new guy you're seeing. I know it's not my place to tell you what to do or not do unless you ask for advice. So the only thing I can ask is that you do not bring him up in conversation, nor any mention of cheating in general, whether your husbands or yours. If you find you can't keep from talking of these things in my presence, then I will choose to not spend time with you until things change."
This is the best way, not burning bridges and tossing out the friendship.
If by chance she does ask if you have questions or what your thoughts are on it, then you can say something. She may just be choosing actions without giving any real thought to what she is doing. You could ask if she began to do this as a way to retaliate at her husband whether he knows or not. Or ask if she is totally done with her husband and doesn't even wish to try marriage counseling. A counselor will get at the underlying issues of what caused the hubby to stray in the first place. Then if what he wants out of a wife has changed greatly since they married, there is no reason to stay together and perhaps divorce is best. Children actually do well with divorce. I know that from my own family as well as other people. One man my husband and I know has a ten y.o. girl who is begging him to get a divorce from Mom because neither of them are happy. Kids don't like the fighting or the silent treatment in parents and would rather see them happily remarried to other partners, as long as they can still see both parents, one not as much as the other if its the one they visit. I mention this because it is important for you to know in case you get an opportunity to talk. People can change and simply become so different from each other down the road that they really do need to find a new partner. That is okay. What is not okay is looking for a new husband by checking out married men. You and I know that, and I'll bet she does. I am thinking this is a tit for tat situation possibly with her thinking, he got to have some fun outside the marriage, I didn't get that so I am going to get my turn now. And that is in a way revenge but it is also competition or jealousy. She may be one who feels that everyone should get to experience the same stuff or everything should always be even and if this is how she thinks, then I'll bet she's done it in other areas, such as gift giving, either people gifts from her have to be the same general price or the same size like a bike vs diamond earrings, the bike being bigger so the earrings need something bigger to go along with or the earring cost more than the bike so something else needs to go with the bike gift. This is all distorted thinking. We all do this at times in our lives but some people do this on a daily basis and its the only way they think, reason and come to conclusions. If she does ask you for opinions, it might be good if she doesn't want to reconcile or even try with her husband in counseling, that she at least go see a counselor for herself. Let the counselor get through to her.
And if you have permission to speak, I would personally ask, "If he hadn't cheated, how do you feel about the husband? Have you fallen out of love with him? Because if you have, that is a good reason to get a divorce and once single, start looking for a single man, divorced man who is a better fit for the person you are today. If you were in love but are so hurt that you can't feel love for him now, then you might want to go as a couple for counseling to see if the marriage can be saved. Counseling doesn't automatically fix a marriage but brings out the true issues so you can then make a better choice without feeling guilt. I had a similar experience myself with a husband who was verbally abusive. He didn't do it to the kids, it was only a mental illness thing directed at adult women. However staying with him til the kids were grown was a great disservice to my children. I see the effects it has on them to see their Dad treat me like that. One has decided to not marry, only date men that she is stronger willed than so she can be in control. Another is confused and on her third husband and he's the worst human being I have personally come across, a candidate for prison someday. The youngest married a man who has twisted ways of reasoning and thinking due to how he grew up, a bad childhood, parents who mentally tortured him so he is difficult to deal with and that was her choice for a husband, thinking that behavior of his is normal because her Dad was similar. If she admits not loving him, there is no reason to string out a long separation, just tell her about the impact to the kids. All kids will cry and beg parents not to divorce. My girls did that but a year later after a divorce, they saw me again and marveled at how great, happy and healthier I looked and were glad I had made that decision. They know my second husband and he is family to them, not a step Dad as they were grown already but they approve. Even when I was dating, the guy before I met my husband, It was the boyfriends birthday and the oldest gave him a bday card with the words inside:YOu are so nice and I find I can respect you. I just wish that I had had someone like you for a Dad growing up.
That hit me hard, that I had certainly done them a disservice by not divorcing sooner and giving them a chance to have a step dad through my remarrying who was better than their father. While the friends husbands may be a good man otherwise and good father example, it still boils down to what the kids witness of they parents relationship. This truly is going to be what they base their own relationships upon, not assuming it can be any better in real life.
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