|
can't be friends after a relationship?
24/f
so to make a long story short, this guy and i dated for about two years before i ended things between us. it wasn't a toxic relationship or anything like that, but i had a lot of growing up to do and at the time, i was struggling with a lot of self-esteem issues and basically i felt unworthy of dating someone. the relationship itself was also quite bland. we didn't really do anything, except hold hands, go on movie dates, and once in a while hang out at parties. we were pretty young.
it's been about six years since we broke up. and honestly, he is a good person and i would like to be friends with him still, and I have tried to keep our friendship alive despite breaking up, but even after all this time, he says he still has feelings for me. He's honestly had it really rough since we broke up; he ended up in abusive relationship after we broke up, he lost a very close family member, and this and that. And he has never once forced his feelings for me on me. He never tried to guilt me. he's been very mature about it.
What i'm asking is if this is toxic for him; me wanting to try and just be friends with him. if this is hurting him more than its helping him. i do enjoy his company, he's a good person, i'd definitely say he's probably someone's dream guy because of how sweet he is, but he's just not my dream guy, if that makes sense. Am i hurting him, though? Should I just let it go? Can exes not be friends after a relationship?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
It can vary. Some couples don't have any relationships after a brake. But some of them become good friends forever.
]
In every relationship be it a working type thing, dating or just being friends good communication is a must. Your question are you hurting him is not one that any of us could possibly answer. Depending on him and how he feels the answer could be yes or no.
I think we all have feeling for certain people in our past. First loves comes to mind. While I cherish the memory would I want to have a friendship or any other type of relationship with her? I'm not sure though this would be a question that should be discussed if we ever crossed paths again.
If yo wish to continue this friendship then you need to ask him that question and ask him to be honest with you.
]
I'll start with this: ... "but even after all this time, he says he still has feelings for me".
It depends on those feelings of his. I have no way to know exactly how he feels, you have a better chance if he is really in tune to exactly what he's feeling and if he is willing to be honest with you about that. If he cares about you as a person but does not have romantic desires, then his feelings won't suffer if he sees you as a friend. If he harbors hope that in spending more time with you, that you'd fall in love with him now that you are older and he is in love with you, then it would be torture to him to spend time with you, if you've made yourself clear how you feel as a friend but not a romantic partner. Switch roles and imagine not him but an imaginary guy you were in love with. Now he's back as a friend. If he wants to see you and hang out, wouldn't you with how you still feel, want to spend time to see if he'll change his mind or fall for you? If he says to you that he never felt that spark or chemistry needed for you both to be romantic partners, but would like to see you as a friend, then how would you feel, spending time with him, knowing he'll never change his mind? I don't think you'd want to invest time that way when it isn't really an investment into the kind of relationship you are still looking for. Sometimes, only one person of a couple has feelings and the other doesnt. I did online dating and lots of guys I met said they had feelings but I did not feel anything in return on meeting them, even just the first time. Its about having pheromones that are alike enough to feel that magnetic pull that you feel when you've played with magnets. If you turn them around to their polar opposite sides and try to get them to click together, they won't. Theres an energy between them but one that repulses each of the two magnets ends. That would be when you have no attraction at all to someone. Then theres all the levels in between. For some people its strong enough for them to notice but for others, unless there is that magnetic bond you feel early on with a person, its a no go for an intimate relationship.
So, it may be strong enough for him but its not there for you. Make sure he understands that the next time you talk. And tell him it occurred to you to make this plain to him in case he has hopes that somehow in time you'd want him back as a romantic partner. Ask him if he'd still want to stay friends or not. He may want to and understand. But the bigger issue for many people I've talked to before you, has been for the one who does not return feelings of love but knows the other person still has it, you can hear it in their voice, see it in their eyes or end up overthinking every little touch there is from him, even a pat on the shoulder. More often, its the person who is not in love who feels really awkward and can't find themselves relaxing and just enjoying the friendship because of their awareness of how the other person still feels. So I believe It is equally or even more important how you feel. If you feel you can handle it, go for it. If you get to a point where you can't handle it anymore, you will have to say something to him. He can't change his feelings. He doesn't have to say I love you when his whole body is radiating those feelings when he's with you. And a person can't control body language, the subtle messages that another person picks up on. So what I am saying is that I can't say yes or no, it's really more up to how its affecting you or him. It wouldn't be toxic as in something that would be detrimental to a person's well being, but it can certainly make a person uncomfortable, feelings of having to be on guard, awkward and those are enough to kill it.
]
More Questions: |