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My Selective Mutism and suicidal thoughts
Although I am pretty young(16) to think about this,but my condition is pretty bad. When I was a baby,i used to get really really sick. It stopped for sometime and started again when I was in 9th grade. During that period,i had to take so many leaves to the point where I couldn't catch up at all. I love studying but then somehow because of all the stress,i tried to commit suicide. Back then,i used to lose my ability to talk but it used to come back after around a week. I couldn't take all that anymore and decided to quit studying for the time being. After that,during summer holidays,i wanted to try studying. So I looked up open schooling syllabus and tried to study for that. But I couldn't get anything to my head and I tried to kill myself again. After two months,while I was being treated for my depression and stress,i decided to give it an other try. I went to a local school one day and I got so scared and stressed that my decided to not let me talk anymore. This incident happened around July. Since then,i haven't uttered a word. I even got admitted and went through this treatment called abreaction. I was okay for around 2 weeks but I got sad and gloomy again. I want to study,but I can't. But I don't want the society to think bad about my parents. And I want to have some satisfaction in life. I really like playing instruments and drawing. So I went to drawing and violin classes for some days but then the mutism kicked in. Now,i am not able to understand what I can do. And I keep thinking of dying. But I have this one ray of hope that I think might help me. Playing instruments doesn't need a voice. So I thought I will complete Keyboard learning property by passing all the grades and then try to do something. I got arthritis during my grade 9 so I had to quit violin. I really want some advice because I want to live and accomplish something and be proud of myself. I would love to listen to anyone if it can help me. And please do comment if my thought about learning keyboard is good or not. Thank you. ^-^
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