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Intimacy
I am 29 my partner is 33, we been friends with benifits/dating for three years now. We both have one daughter each both are 5. We live in separate places see each other as much as possible. We are always sexuly busy when near each other. He's not one for doing for play even tho I enjoy it very much he just likes to go right at it. I need to orgasm with him he is starting to get faster at ed with this problem as am I. If I can just orgasm with him our relationship will start to get on track again. PLZ HELP AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
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Want to answer more questions in the Sexual Health and Reproduction category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Trouble Reaching Orgasm?
The first part of any advice I give when sex is a problem or there is any form of sexual dysfunction is to communicate. Sex like anything else in any type of relationship requires all parties to communicate with each other.
As well as I know my wife and we have been married 45 years next month, I haven't learned to read her mind. I might be able to tell something is wrong sexually or otherwise but just what that is she needs to tell me or I can't fix it. The same is true for me with her. Be it 45 years or 3 years you cannot have a successful relationship without communication.
You want foreplay, then tell him and show him what you need. Yes my wife had to show me what she liked for it turns out she is more clitoral than vaginal. Something I was not aware of. We could not have had as good a sexual relationship had she not told me no matter how much foreplay I did. So talk with him and tell him you need foreplay to climax. Sex is 50/50 you have to enjoy it and climax too.
You mentioned he has some erectile dysfunction. Sometimes this is caused from to much stress and snowballs because no man likes not being able to perform in bed. He is also at an age when ED strikes. In today's world ED is nothing to be embarrassed about. You can't watch TV at night without seeing a commercial for Viagra or other ED help medication.
Once again communication is key. Talk to him, be supportive and understanding. Ask him if you can go with him to his doctor. Most ED problems can be helped with Viagra or the other medications on the market and can give you both several hours of pleasure without worry.
MY advice is to talk to him but not in the bedroom. Curl up with him on the couch, after the children are in bed. Have a glass of wine and talk to him. There should be no reason to adults should not be able to talk to each other about a shared sex life. Be they friends with benefits or lovers in a long term relationship.
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I understand the need for some to have at least a sexual partner if they do not have a solid loving committed relationship with a long term or life long partner. I've been there, between marriages, having friends with benefits too. You mention the word dating but I would personally call it 'seeing each other 3 yrs', not dating 3 yrs as to me dating infers something of more substance to the relationship than just sex.
Frankly, I am wondering just how important this man is to you beyond the sex. ??? Perhaps you are hoping that this man could become your partner for life? You did mention the 2 kids and may be wondering how the two sides can blend to become a family. It is possible depending on the people. But you also said he's a friend with benefits. I guess I have never heard of sex partners in FWB's with really deep committment levels on both sides.
So both of you need to be on the same page if currently you call yourselves FWBs but one of you is hoping to go beyond that and wants the real comittment.
I know that in most cases, there are other issues that can affect sex and ability to enjoy it fully. In only one circumstance was it something that is outside of ones hands to control and patience is warranted to get thru it. Here's my story before I go on to other issues.
Sex can go stale for periods of time for even long term married couples. Both my 2nd husband and I have had times when not for lack of desire and want, one or the other found it hard to have orgasms. At one point, when he studied our astrology charts (something he is good at) when we were having this issue, it was clearly stated in there that sexual things were going to be off for many months. What i am trying to say with my story is that with a committed relationship like ours, that very committment and being in love is what made us determined to see it through to the end. We still made love and did whatever we can to keep that sexual connection going even if there weren't any orgasms, and in time, things got better. I can't know what is the issue between both of you.
There is no magic trick I can tell you so that both of you can enjoy sex all of a sudden with no issues. As I said, if not something outside of our ability to do something, there are things that can affect sex that you do have control over to change or fix or deal with.
Since our brain is our biggest sexual organ, many other things in both your lives can be effecting the ability to orgasm. The mind is affected by stress, by distorted thinking and much more that can all add up to creating a dampening effect on the brain so it can't get into it, as far as sexually speaking. So if it isn't something that has changed in what both of you are doing to meet each others needs and wants in sex, then resentment, irritation, and more can affect it. You need to be both willing to be an open book and share everything you can that you may not think related to sex and orgasms from your personal life to get to root of problem and fix that before the sex life can get back on track.
You can attempt to just talk between yourselves but most people need a 3rd person, someone outside, who has the counseling experience to help. I would advise seeking a sex counselor. This could very well bring to light the real issues, things you both didn't think might contribute to not having orgasms. And to be honest, sex without orgasms is sadly not fulfilling. Orgasms release stress reducers in our lifes and can relax and even get rid of headaches for me at times. It is a very important factor so this must be taken seriously. For FWB's, the commitment level that warrants a couple seeking help from a sex counselor just isn't there if all they want from each other is sex and they don't have the rest of the relationship. It is the being in love with each other, being each others Best friend and sex partner for life, that makes a couple more willing to seek outside help. I wish the kind of help you seek was a simple trick or two one could share here on advicenators but I believe you need more.
Here's one thing that has clued me in, the things you shared about liking play. Whether it is foreplay you like, or role play and he is not engaging in either, that already is enough issue for me, as a non licensed counselor to already know is a problem. It is not my place to teach why it is the problem but a professional counselor could explain and retrain in how sex works for females and for males, and clearly it sounds like he's okay and getting his needs met but you are not.
A committed couple has their heart and their investment in a relationship so this is the best solution, seeking counseling. It is too in depth to share on here and a professional can explain much better. A couple who are only sex partners, even if for a long time, have two options, seek a counselor or a new sex partner. Hope this helps.
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