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Why should I tell him I have herpes?
I am a 22 year old female and I just contracted genital herpes about 2 months ago. I am taking daily medication for it, and always use condoms, and would never have sex with any present sores. I read that with daily suppressive therapy and condom use, there is about a 1-2% chance of passing herpes from female to male, including shedding.
If it is that tiny of a risk that I would pass it to my current partner, what is the point of telling him I have it? Also, 80% of people who have herpes dont know they have it, and therefore are not taking any medication, making it a lot less risky to have sex with me than just some random girl, especially with such a low percentage of me passing it anyways. So, without lecturing me, please give me a legit reason why I should tell my partner?? If you were in my shoes, would you?
Thanks!
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One of my friends sister in prison right now because she had aids knew she had it, gave it to her boyfriend he died with aids on the accont of her, she told her boyfriend while he was on his death bed that she gave him the aids virus, he told his family, in return his girlfriend got arreested and was sentence for 50 years plus his family filed wrongful death for 3.2 million dollars, and won, If you dont tell him now, it maybe too late, because he can sue you for litigations and sue you for not revealing you have herpes, embarress you by revealing your information of you having herpes in newspapers, or even on the news.Your boyfriend can make your life a living hell. I would if a guy kept a secrect from me like that, he will be embarrassed, I would sue the pants off him, might beat his@$! just thinking about it. You cant be safe with herpes, reading information on the internet, is not the best solution. You have to be responsible, and mature about your choices or you will pay dearly for your dishonesty. So tell him the truth.
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I would tell him. Trust is difficult to build once it's lost, and you telling him this may open a door for him to tell you if he's contracted something from one of the other girls he sleeps with. If nothing else, it may cause him to get tested for STDs, which would benefit you if he finds out he has something else that you don't want to catch.
The best way to maintain ~your~ personal health, would be to sleep with as few people as possible, and to only sleep with people who are not sexually active with others. I'm not saying that you have to stop sleeping with your FWB, but a monogomous sex life is significantly safer. Because as far as STDs are concerned, you've slept with all of the same people he has.
And if you both are truly as good of friends as you say, you/he should be looking out for each-others health and satisfaction, not your/his own.
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If I was in your shoes I would tell him,and if he stays then I would know if he really loved me. If he leaves then he wasn't any good.
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I'd say it's a matter of good manners and good sense to tell him. By nature it's highly contagious and it's possible to keep giving it to one another repeatedly. I imagine you would not like him keeping similar details from you, roles reversed? It's quite difficult to justify NOT telling him. You could perhaps tell him you have a (non-specific) genital infection (like cystitis, or just say a 'womans problem') and don't feel like sex for a while because it's painful etc. Perhaps the biggest worry about non-disclosure is that if or when it comes out it will be a big blow to his trust and confidence in you, which could easily carry over into many, or even every aspect of the relationship. Trust is extremely difficult (maybe impossible?) to rebuild when it's broken. And I don't believe any relationship is worth a damn without it. As you seem quite aware of, herpes is not uncommon. Uncomfortable, but not a massive issue by any means. So why give it a chance to indirectly mess up your relationship? Advice? Either confess the lot and get it over with. Or keep the precise details dark...but don't run ANY (even that 1-2 percent) risk of passing it to him and having a LOT of explaining to do.
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If I were in your shoes, what would I do? Well,I am in your shoes, so to speak, heres my story.
After leaving an abusive ex, went to live with my sister in another state. Started a dating profile. After leaving ex, I had tests done and I was clear of STD's. After years of being with sister and having dated guys through a dating site, I went back to my state because my kids were all there. Once I was back, and ready to date in my state, I got re-tested to make sure all was okay. The test came back positive for He rpes 2. I had never had an outbreak oral or other yet. I went to read up on it on line and realised that like me, many people are carriers but don't know they have it and until they have a break out, they won't know it.(So unless your boyfriend has been tested for Herpes recently, he could have it too and not know.) But there's always a chance any partner I might have in the future did not have Herpes and would want to be able to have the choice to decide whether to take the risk. I decided to update my profile and said 'hey update, I just found out thru testing, that I have herpes, so if you cant handle that, don't bother to continue reading my profile"
I thought that would greatly cut my chances of meeting someone. It didn't. In a couple days I heard from a guy that I ended up dating 6 months who said he was a carrier but had never had an outbreak. I did hear from a couple guys who were on the site just to find activity partners like for dancing. They commented their kudo's to me for being honest and posting that update. I met and married my future husband who said he was also a carrier but never had an outbreak, I still hadn't either. Sometimes it takes something like severe stress on top of all of it to bring it out and thats what happened to me, it was financial stress, one unexpected thing after another and I finally had my first outbreak, not severe enough to go get treatment for the pain and to help heal it. In all honesty, I have maybe 2 or 3 outbreaks per year. It's never been an issue for us.
The reason I told people is to give them a personal choice. Even though I agree that choosing to avoid me as a partner is the least of their risks, cus they so easily can come across other sexual partners who don't tell or just dont know, due to the statistic of how many are carriers. Feeling safe by using condoms is to me a dumb illusion. The only part protected from any 'shedding' I might be doing is the penis, cus my labia comes into contact with the area of skin at the base of the penis or anywhere else i might be rubbing myself up against. If it were the other way around and A guy I was starting to date me and told me he had herpes, and i knew I didn't, I might be torn between wanting to take a chance on it. Its once thing if I was sure this was the person I plan to live the rest of my life with or if I was just dating more for the social thing with sex. I'd want someone to give me the choice.
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You are partially correct when you say 80% of the population has Herpes. Though there are two types of Herpes. There is Herpes Oral Herpes or HVS-1 and Gentile Herpes or HSV-2.
Oral Herpes, HSV type 1, is the most common and the one that infests most of the population. This is the one that puts blisters on your mouth and is passed through oral secretions when kissing, sharing of toothbrushes or eating utensil most commonly revered to as cold sores.
Genital Herpes, HSV-2, can only be passed through sexual contact and is why it is an STD. Both the HSV-1 and HSV-2 can be passed when sores are not present.
Because this is an STD and because it can be transmitted even in a dormant stage, when taking precautions against transmitting it during sex. Is why you must tell a potential sexual partner. Using a condom to protect for Penis to vagina contact it is one only one form of sex. What about other forms of contact during foreplay or maybe before you let him have intercourse with you. STDS can be transmitted though fingering and oral sex.
You became infected with Genital Herpes from someone who either didn't know he had the virus or someone who had the virus and didn't care enough about you to tell you in advance so you could decide if you wanted to have sex with him. Yes the chance of transmitting it in the dormant stage is low, but would you not have wanted the opportunity to make that decision for yourself.
Now that you are infected what in essence you are saying is. I wasn't told why should I tell anyone else. You're putting your needs ahead of someone else's right to decide and that is wrong. This is very much a case of two wrongs not making a right.
I apologize for the short lecture though it was the only way to make my point. Speaking for myself if you were to tell me before we had sex. My view would be that until I learn more about the transmission and how to spot early signs of possible sores. I may not want to have oral sex. Though intercourse and every other part of sexual life with you would probably be okay. I'm a little more medically aware than most men so I'm a little more comfortable with this particular STD. Others may not be.
Below is a link to a page from WebMD that has more information on this subject:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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I would tell him. In fact, I'd be incapable of not telling him, and still being about live with myself.
To do less is to actively deceive him. No sort of relationship can survive that kind sort of distrust and lies.
Does telling him suck? Absolutely.
Will you need to educate him about the reality of herpes, and listen to all the myths he has been taught? Absolutely.
Do you risk him not being able to deal with it and breaking up with you? Absolutely.
Do you risk him being so angry that you didn't tell him sooner that he can no longer trust you? Yeah. You could have avoided that, but yes, if you have sexual contact with him without disclosing there may be extra anger and hurt on his part.
And you still have to tell him, because the risk does exists. You have no right to expose him to a health risk without his consent and he has a right to know the risks he is exposed too (which you are utterly aware of) even small ones. Most importantly, you are a decent enough person to do the right thing even when it may inconvenience or embarrass you - right?
Look, I don't think you are idiot or an evil person. So I'm sure you already know that every legit reason out there is on the side of you being honest with your sexual partners about your STI status. There is only one 'legit' reason to excuse yourself from that really basic ethical responsibility - and that is if you fear that disclosing means he'll beat you up. Really. Fear of physical violence is really the ONLY excuse you've got, and since it doesn't sound like you fear for your life, you are obligated to tell him.
A 'low risk' is not a legit reason to lie. 'Safer than some random chick' is not a legit reason to lie. '80% of people' is not a legit reason to lie. These are excuses to try and minimize the real facts. The real facts that the risk does exist, and that you are aware of it.
I know it's scary, but there really isn't any dodging this.
You have no legit reason NOT to disclose.
If you tell him the truth, you may loose him.
If you don't, you WILL loose him. 100% guaranteed. Someday he'll find out and the lie will kill every good thing you have together between now and then.
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I would still tell him because this isnt about you. You should at least give the knowledge to be able to make the decision if he wants to continue to have sex with you or not. even if the chance is low i would still be mad at my partner if they even think to tell me and then let ME make that choice. Sure ignorance is bliss but do you want him to potentially find out one day somehow, and then resent you later? if your one treatment and what not that why CANT you just tell him then? just tell him in a calm and collected way that you have it and that your doing treatment and that the chances of him getting are low. you dont need to go into details about not having sex when you have open sores, those questions can come later, and sure it make take some of the romance outta things but he deserves to know the truth anyway, and he wont ever be able to say that you wernt ever totally honest with him. ; ) good luck sweetie.
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