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My boyfriend can't stay hard.
22/female
Mike grew up mormon, but he left that religion a few years ago. Mike and I have been dating for a few months now, just recently we started getting sexual. Last night we hung out and it started to get hot and heavy, we ended up naked in his bed. He grabbed a condom and of course it takes forever to put them on so by the time he had it on the mood was dead. We started making out to get him hard again but after awhile, we were tired of trying, he could not get hard. I was so confused and bummed so I asked him if it was my fault he couldn't get hard, if he was even attracted to me. He said he is definitely attracted to me and the problem is that his old religion (mormon) always gets in his head at the worst time and messes him up, hence why he can't stay hard.
I don't know what to do about that! It has happened both times we have tried, so we still haven't had sex yet. It's not that i'm mad about the sex, it's that I know it upsets him and I wish I could help him somehow. I can definitely get him hard and stuff, but when it comes to the actual sex part its like his brain takes over and he can't anymore.
I don't know much about the mormon religion, but if anyone does I would love to hear if you have any insight on any of this, or any help you can give me.
Thanks!
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Want to answer more questions in the Sexual Health and Reproduction category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Trouble Reaching Orgasm?
I know that you reacted in the moment, but the last thing that you want to do in this situation is start asking him if he's attracted to you when he's having these problems. Clearly he's attracted to you and making accusations because you're hurt over what happened makes the situation much worse for him. "Accusations" may sound like a strong word from your perspective because you were hurt, but that's what it was. His problem has nothing to do with you and you being hurt over his hangups, which he can't control at this point, will cause even more anxiety for him. Not only will he be worried about whether his thoughts will get in the way when the two of you get intimate, but now he'll also be worried about hurting you if they do, making it even more likely for the thoughts to arise. It may seem like I'm being harsh here, but if you want this relationship to work out, these are realities that you must understand.
I'm guessing that you aren't blaming yourself for this anymore now that he's explained the situation to you, but do make sure that you do not start doing it again. If you're not careful, you could end up unintentionally questioning or insulting his manliness out of frustration or anger. It's unfair that you have to deal with this, but if you are choosing to stay with him and deal with it, you have to be very careful or it's not going to work and you should leave him.
If it happens again, don't keep trying. Give him a hug and say something like "thanks, that was fun" with a big smile and lots of love. Both of you know what happened, but just moving on from it and sending the message that you still love him anyway and that he's still good enough for you even with this problem would help. And hey, making out is really rather fun. If that's all he can give you right now, be supportive of it and don't try to force anything.
Here is some information that you should take a look at about his former religion's beliefs regarding pre-marital sex:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
One thing that stuck out for me was that "Chastity means not having any sexual relations before marriage", something that he's already broken without having such an intense reaction. The two of you haven't had intercourse, but I think that I would consider getting "hot and heavy" and "naked in his bed" to be sexual relations. Many religions focus on making sex seem extremely terrible, when really, it's no different from any other "sin" that most people commit on a daily basis without even thinking about it. Why is lust such a big deal when envy and pride are also "deadly sins"?
Sex is a basal desire and religions can do a great job at trying to suppress what is a natural instinct. It isn't our natural instinct to go out and kill one another, so it's easy not to commit murder. Since it's our God-given desire to reproduce, however, church's make rules about it and strongly focus on it, which can end up really damaging people psychologically. It isn't an uncommon thing for some people that are very devout to have problems in the bedroom.
The thing is, if you look further down that page and sift through the scriptures that are referenced when it comes to this topic, not a single one of them says "never for any reason have sex outside the commitment of marriage". The church's interpretation of these scriptures really takes some liberties. The scriptures say not to commit adultery, to treat your body as a temple and glorify God in body and spirit, and to bridle your passions.
Read this article about adultery:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Adultery has nothing to do with pre-marital sex.
Treating one's body as a temple for God just means to take care of yourself, but it's popularly interpreted only as "don't be a slut". What it truly means is to celebrate God and His love through everything you do. Eat well, exercise, etc. Your body serves a divine purpose so it needs to be taken care of. Having sex with a person that you love and trust is not going against this. According to the Bible, sex joins you spiritually with the other person. The example that they use as being a bad thing is having sex with a prostitute. You sort of defile yourself with her filth when you have sex. Being intimate with a committed, loving partner may actually be in support of serving a divine purpose. If God didn't want us having pre-marital sex with loving, committed partners, He would have used that as the example rather than using adultery and prostitution as examples. Of course those are wrong and we all understand that. These activities diminish the meaning of sex and they diminish you if you participate in them.
God is love and if you can intimately express your love through the deepest connection you can have with another human that you love, trust, and are committed to, aren't you closer to God? Today's culture has changed a lot since biblical times. The world is complex, you can't just marry someone because you desire them. Women have careers beyond simply serving their husbands and children. Men aren't seen as being the only ones with sexual desires and women aren't seen as pure objects that men need to control themselves around and be taught to treasure. As most any homosexual person could tell you, marriage nowadays doesn't just serve a religious purpose. There's a lot of legal and financial stuff that comes along with it today. The bottom line is that it should not feel wrong to have sex with someone that you love because unlike something like prostitution or adultery, it just isn't wrong.
The scripture about "bridling" your passions is an interesting one. What I take this as is not to become so enthralled with something that you have no room or time to welcome God's love. It's almost like not worshiping idols, not becoming envious, or not becoming consumed by sex. It doesn't say "no passion" it says to "bridle" your passions.
There are a few problems you may encounter. First, he may not really want to listen to you too much about this because you're the temptress. It's not like he's necessarily thinking this, it could be subconscious, but if you don't get very far with him, that may be why, and understandably so. He may feel that it's hard for you as an outsider to deeply understand his religion and understand why it's holding him back.
Another problem is that I believe (you'd have to check with him on this one) that the President of the Mormon Church is kind of like the Pope. He speaks directly to God and so the Church's interpretations of the scriptures are considered to be the correct interpretations because of that. Even if many of them are a bit of a stretch.
I am not sure if Mormons view sex as a reproductive act like Catholics tend to do, but this could be another hangup for him. Some religions teach that sex is for procreation only. To me, this is the best argument against pre-marital sex because it actually makes sense logically and there's not really a different way to interpret it. Your only ammo against this one is that this isn't actually stated anywhere in the scriptures. Unlike most animals, we have a God-given intelligence, which causes us to desire sex for fun rather than just for procreation. Are we supposed to act like animals in this case, but be higher than them in all others?
If this guy is really important to you, you may want to seek help from someone who specializes in this sort of thing. By "this sort of thing", I mean seeing a therapist with deep knowledge of the Mormon religion or at least someone with experience dealing with men having performance issues due to residual religious hangups. If he won't go himself, you could certainly go and possibly get a lot of good information.
The most important thing, though, is to remember that you've only been with him for a few months. Given time, he may become ready to commit to you at a sexual level. All that stuff that I've been saying about being in a loving, committed relationship, while it's true, may not be strong enough for him this early on. It may seem like plenty of time for you, but he may need a longer commitment and a stronger bond with you before he's ready because he's scared. Have you tried taking it slower? Like, giving him a hand job or oral and seeing if he's okay with that? Full-on sex is a big jump from kissing and touching. Take yourself back and remember what it was like your first time and how you may have viewed your virginity then. Maybe it would go better if he got comfortable with oral for a few weeks first. If you simply don't have the patience to wait for a half a year to a year, this may not be the relationship for you, but if you're willing to work with him on this because you believe he's worth it, then go for it. You'll probably get somewhere if you're patient and kind.
I am actually Christian and I actually waited until marriage for sex. My husband-to-be and I did everything else, but we saved sex until after we were married. This was a personal choice rather than a religious choice. We really did it because it's what we wanted to do. We thought it would be special to save it and it was. The issue in your situation is that I'm assuming you've had sex before and he hasn't. This doesn't really give the two of you the option to save yourselves for each other. It may be that he really wants to wait. If you find out that this is the case, it would be wrong to push him into anything and you'll have a big choice to make. If he's just trying to do this for you because you want it, that's not good.
Good luck! :)
Disclaimer: While I'm a part of it and I feel that I have a good understanding of it, I'm not an expert on religion.
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That old time religion will do it all the time. It is hard to live down your lifetime of teachings. Be supportive of him and let him know you will be there and see him through this.
Then ask him to make an appointment with his doctor for a complete physical. Just to make sure there is nothing medical standing in the way. ED can strike any male at any age so it is best to make sure this is not the problem. Getting an erection and not being able to maintain one is an ED problem. this might not be as he feels all in his head but may be a physical problem.
Once he has finished with the doctors then I suggest that the two of you visit a therapist. The proper therapist would be a sex therapist. No not one like Helen Hunt portrayed in Sessions. This would be a psychologist who specializes in sexual therapy. This type of therapist will be able to help him over come the lifetime of religious teachings. By you going with him you will be able to help him through this.
I also think this will help grow a real bond between you which could last a life time should you feel this way about him.
The type of help I am recommending should all be covered by any insurance he has.
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Tell him that it hurts you a lot to see him so upset and worked up regarding sexual activity and what negative things he may have been taught still affecting him. Ask him to TRUST you fully and try two things.
There's a product that you can get from an adult novelty store that was specifically designed for men who can't achieve or in his case maintain an erection for sex. It's a ring that slides to the base of the penis and traps in blood until such times as intercourse is complete.
That could really help him. Also, ask him about any medication as that could have been the real problem. Just tell the adult novelty store that you need rings for this erection blood flow problem and they'll understand what you mean.
It has a vulgar slang name for male genitals unfortunately that I would probably get in trouble for printing here. It's a universally available product and every adult novelty shop has them.
Next, this sounds like a psychological thing about sex that needs to be addressed with couples therapy. You could suggest going to therapy together to address his religious teachings/hang-ups and how you both can move forward to enjoy sex together as you really want both of you to be comfortable and enjoying.
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